Greetings,
This forum has provided me a huge source of information in my journey to understanding who I really am inside. I have wanted to share my story but haven't taken the time to this point. We are currently having and ice & snow storm so this seems like a good time as the family is still in bed.
Like so many have said before, I knew my whole life that I thought differently than other boys/men. I just couldn't figure out why they acted the way they did and why I much preferred hanging out with girls. I could handle guys one on one, maybe two, but more than that and I was way uncomfortable. I figured out over time what amount of feminine could be let out in every scenario. Its funny how this cover up just becomes life as we know it without any real understanding as to why it is.
I was never very good at maintaining friendships and preferred my alone time. I tried lots of different things but never excelled at sports or hobbies, mainly did it all just to be able to talk to people. I was a late bloomer for puberty, overweight and had gynecomastia. I had the largest breasts in my class until 7th grade and was so glad when a girl finally blossomed past me. All of this made for a confusing thought life.
Towards the end of high school I lost a considerable amount of weight and joined the Marine Corps. It was surprising how many said this would "man me up". Did they all know something I didn't? One of my closest friends mom always asked me if I was gay. I didn't even know what that meant back then.
While I never felt like I was a "real" Marine I excelled because of rules. I had learned early in life that following the rules can keep you safe. If you follow the many rules of the military you can succeed even if you don't look the part.
Growing up I remember sitting on the edge of the tub watching my older sisters putting on makeup for school thinking how awesome it would be to be able to do that and dress like they did. I had a love of all things lingerie but never dared touch it. I wouldn't let myself even consider wearing women's things, "against the rules" you know. So I experimented with every alternative underwear available to men and it all left me feeling hollow. This went on for many years and I finally gave up as I got older and was to big to fit into anything remotely fun.
I eventually got serious with a amazing lady from church. She was 15 years my senior and had never been married before. She was a nurse and lived with 4 roommates in a large condo. They would have movie nights which over flowed their place with women to watch romantic movies and have dinner. I was always invited and was referred to as the "token male" because I fit right in and was everyones guy friend. Our courtship was interrupted by the Gulf War but we married soon after my return.
I figured out quite early on I had no idea how to be the man of the relationship. I felt awkward at everything but brushed it off to newlywed jitters. Funny thing is those feelings never seemed to go away. Years passed, kids were born & adopted, businesses and many moves came and went. Through it all we were best friends but had a hard time gaining traction beyond that. Each of us tried so hard to be what we thought the other needed to make this marriage successful.
Then my mother passed away. She had always represented the worlds "they" to me. The keeper of the rule book as it were. I kind of went unhinged compared to my bland self. I grew my short hair out very long, well past my shoulders. I revived my search some type of alternative underwear and began body shaving. My wife didn't know what to do and questioned everything. I merely said I was exploring my options and finding my preferences. After a couple years I gave it up because my OCD had gotten the better of me on the shaving, chasing every little hair and I couldn't handle my wife's comments any longer.
I sought out treatment at the VA for depression that had existed for decades but was becoming progressively worse and effecting every area of my life. The counseling provided some help and we began a series of tests with various pills to see what would help. This went on for a couple of years and we ended up moving back to the state I was raised in as my father had gotten very old and I wanted the kids to be able to see him more as we knew his time was growing short.
I began seeing different doctors and they had a different take on my condition and we began changing medications again. Not all of the side effects were good and fatigue & low libido seemed to plague me. My testosterone was tested at this point and found to be low so I was placed on Androgel. I didn't really see any improvement and was placed in a special test program for Low T and saw an endocrinologist. Regular increases of my dosing seemed to bring me out of my funk a bit and really improved my strength & libido. We had started a new business and began a small farm so the strength and renewed energy was a good thing.
After a few months my chest began to grow. My gynecomastia which had been dormant for decades kicked in with a vengeance. I began researching what was going on and how to deal with the growth. I could just learn to deal with it, get surgery, or go the route of binding or bras. I hadn't mentioned any of this to my wife and we weren't very intimate at the time due to my psych issues and her chronic illnesses. In trying to learn about bras I was looking at hers in a whole new way and found a sports bra she had never worn. While it was a bit small I could get it on and was amazed at how it held everything in place. I felt secure for the first time since puberty. That feeling of "where have you been all my life". I wore it to work that day and every day for a month. I was hooked for many reasons but it also took my internal angst up to a level I had never experienced before.
I approached my wife about my situation and the bras. As a retired nurse she could appreciate it from a medical perspective and knew I needed them. We live in a rural area so you don't just drop in at the local shop and get a bra, especially as a guy. My wife is a total minimalist when it comes to underclothes, you spend as little as possible and wear it till it falls off because its so old. I ordered in literally a while bra shop by mail to figure out what size I needed. The post office wondered for a while because I brought in so many return boxes. I spent lots of money and time wearing the wrong thing and obsessed about getting it right. The more I learned the more I knew how wrong my wife's bras were but she wouldn't change them at all.
When I finally got it right I was a 42D! During this time I wrote her long letters trying to explain this turmoil that was going on inside me. I had read of other men who wore bras for this reason who also wore panties, they said bras and jockeys just didn't go together. I told my wife I was going to wear panties to and she freaked out because there was no medical reason for it, just my desire. I worked a physical job and found that the cheap bras just didn't hold up or feel very good. Along the time I decided on panties I discovered Lane Bryant and literally went berserk buying matching sets. I will admit I was a bit nuts for awhile, but it felt wonderful. To my surprise my breasts just kept right on growing and I quickly outgrew the matched set sizing so that ended rather abruptly.
During this time I was contemplating the wearing of support hose at my doctors recommendation. I had put it off now for 4 years. Two of my brothers we having serious issues with varicose veins and I discovered the beginnings of them on my legs so I got serious. I didn't want to wear prescription ones as they looked horrid in my view and I didn't want full panty hose either. I had worn those when I was scuba diving in cold water under my wetsuit and just didn't like them. I found support stockings from Berkshire and really liked them with a garter belt. Now garter belts don't really come rugged in the US so I got them from Europe and that turned some heads in my house for sure. My leg strain went away, fluid retention disappeared and my knee problems vanished. All very positive but the garters didn't work well without hips. I learned about girdles and decided to try those. My wife had worn them in her younger years and gave me the thumbs up initially. After trying many varieties I found one that seemed to work but had sizing challenges as I did in the early bra days. The other problem is that they didn't hold up to my type of physical work and I had to go to my wife for repairs. That was the cause for some very unpleasant discussions but she did all the adjustments I needed. So I was daily in a bra, panties, girdle and stockings, much to both of our surprise.
My wife could not figure out how I could accept this so willingly and I couldn't get over just how normal and right it all felt. I was seeing medical benefits so thats what I focused on in every conversation but I knew in the back of my mind something deeper was going on but didn't understand it.
On a forum I frequented was a comment about what other types of women clothes did guys wear. Many wore women's jeans and gave many reasons for it. I researched and found that lots of guys wore them on the job because of the stretch benefits. Sounded reasonable to me so I went to find some at Goodwill. After trial and error I found a pair and bought them. I didn't tell my wife but wore them in more of a trial as I told myself. After a few months she noticed my jeans fit different, nice, but different and thats all that was said. I ordered in a pair and also found more at Goodwill and before long I was only wearing women's jeans. The following spring I was updating my uniforms and sent for many samples to try. Even though they didn't have stretch, I decided to order some women's to try as well. After trying them all on and showing them to my wife we both picked the women's out of a line up but she didn't have any idea thats what they were. I finally went to her at that point and explained everything about the pants trial and she was very upset. She finally agreed to them but behind the scenes it was creating anxiety far beyond what I could see.
As time went on and my breasts continued to grow, I experimented with a variety of women shirts as well. Mostly they were flops but I began wearing t-shirts at home and sleeveless T's and sweaters with a covering shirt out in public. I was feeling great and my wife was beside herself in angst. Even though I was on a couple different brain meds at this time I was still experiencing boughts of depression that would just cloud my days as well as times it would literally stop me in my tracks. My breast sensitivity was off the charts and I began to experience female type orgasms which became quite a focus of my private time. I was feeling very conflicted and wanted off the testosterone but a few attempts revealed that it wouldn't be easy.
My father finally passed away and the trauma of that and the outpouring of community love for him really had an effect on me. He was locally revered as such a great man and I couldn't figure out who I was. This really brought on serious depressions and days of planning my suicide. I decided I had to find a reason for all of this. My research kept leading to transgender and I wanted that like a hole in the head. I really had a connection to the people who discussed the relief and peace that are from HRT and that gave me hope.
At the point where my research was really showing that this was my situation, my depression was at its bottom and I couldn't find a way back up. Suicide seemed imminent and I didn't see a road out. I was able to talk this through my head and decided that if I was willing to separate from my family through suicide then maybe I just had to come to terms with this and give them the choice of whether we separate, at least my kids would still have a dad.
On October 22nd I decided to basically divorce myself internally from my male side. The female side was given lead in everything internally, I ended all interaction with my penis, no urinals, no sex related to it and I ended my testosterone use on the spot. My testosterone levels plummeted and I was euphoric. That lasted only days as the reality of this had to be walked out but I have maintained this now for four months and am very content.
Shortly after that I saw my psychiatrist in a scheduled appointment. My normal everything's fine meeting turned into 45 minutes of explaining everything that had been going on in my life. Her reaction was that I was normal and there was no reason to kill myself. I assured her I was past that point. She felt I would benefit from seeing a gender therapist and put in the paperwork for the VA to pay for one. I had a scheduled appointment with my endocrinologist and reviewed my hormone levels. My T was back to very low and my E was normal for a post menopausal woman and at the upper end for a man. I discussed transition related things and he was very open to working with me on that once I had some therapy behind me.
What was supposed to be a couple weeks to an appointment turned into 2 1/2 months trying to get the paperwork done and an appointment scheduled. During this time relations with my wife continued to degrade and her chronic illnesses flared up to a high degree of daily pain. I told her the counseling was for my anxiety which it really was at the time. After 45 minutes with the therapist she asked what I wanted to do about my gender dysphoria because in her opinion I certainly had it. I decided to table that till my next visit. After that one I was comfortable with that diagnosis and she began working on a treatment plan to submit to the VA leading towards HRT.
During this time period my wife experienced shingles which on top of her other issues was nearly unbearable for her. It was no time to come out of the closet. While she wasn't fully resolved I couldn't bear it any longer and on February 10th finally had the tearful conversation about gender dysphoria and ultimately about being a transsexual. She said she has known something wasn't right for 25 years but neither of us had the words to describe it. It began many days of conversations and negotiations on where it goes from here. She did not have any anger or malice about the situation. She knew I didn't come up with this on my own and hadn't hid anything from her over the years. I just didn't have words to describe what was happening inside. She understood that my brain literally didn't think like others guys and never would.
At present I do not want to socially transition as I really do not have a strong desire for that but know that could change. She supports my desire for HRT but is wary of what it will actually do to me. At 50 the physical results are a crap shoot. My main goal is mental stability. I currently wear a 40G bra so I am not looking for more growth there but know it will probably happen. We agreed that the marriage we had longed for and never happened is officially dead. We are trying to figure out what our future looks like because we do not want to divorce and really can't see our lives without each other.
We are planning to sell our farm and move back into town with a bigger home so we can each have our own room and a little space to call our own. Each day together is appreciated and taken on its own with much more communication happening on a level we have never experienced before. I have lost a lot of my hair over the years and wear a beard. Wigs and dresses don't attract me at this point and plan to continue with a more androgynous appearance in pants/tops as we see where this all goes.
She has explained her current limits and they seem to line up with my present plans so hopefully we will make it through this adjustment period of what the new normal is becoming. I appreciate the opportunity to collect my thoughts and share and thanks to the many who have shared before me and helped so much.
Dana
