Quote from: karenk1959 on March 23, 2017, 01:35:27 PM
I have been married for 31 years and through therapy came to realize that a large part of my gender identity is female. I fantasized about being a girl and played with my girlfriend's dolls when I was a kid, as well as dressed up in my Mom's underwear. I repressed the feelings for years. When away on conferences as an older adult, I would buy pantyhose to wear, but it made me feel guilty and abnormal. Now I realize that although I am male, culturally educated to be male and am interested in many male things, I feel like I have been born in the wrong body with the wrong anatomy. I do not want to transition or lose my wife, family and friends. Recently, my wife was open to my crossdressing (I wore panties every day and had bras and pantyhose in a draw that she cleared out for me). I felt good wearing panties like other women, but relatively quickly, it greatly bothered my wife that I was wearing lingerie. It became apparent to me that it was either stop wearing panties or separate from my wife. I feel caught between strong urges to do feminine things and wanting to preserve my present life and marriage. Does anyone have a similar situation or have any good advice as to how to handle my feelings or other outlets that I might pursue? Thanks!
My Advice:
1) Patience - Time is your Friend
2) Ditch your old friends, Shame & Guilt
3) Communicate - Especially those hard open and honest discussions that are needed
When faced with one of life's unanswerable questions, I found a simple rephrasing of it leads to the answer or choice you need to make:
"Which Pain is Worse?"
As a Pre-Juraisic dinosaur I am quite familiar with your feelings and situation all too well. I tried fighting the Trans-Beast since I was about 4 in all sorts of ways. Even "experimented" with transitioning twice in my early 20's to finally settle on being a Normal(ish) guy. My current wife, girl friend, BFF, & Reality Therapist of nearly 40 years knew from about day 1 of my gender issues. By that time I was in the "Settling" on being a CD, though she knew of my history.
She did not exactly encourage that aspect of me, and certainly tried her best not to discourage it. It is a part of me. Still during my monthly or so escapes from maleness when I cross-dressed it was clear that it bothered her, to the point of closeness and intimacy was out for upwards of a week or so because "All she could see was Joanne". A total buzz-kill for her. The end result was me relying even more on my 3D's, Diversions, Distractions and some Denial, to beat the beast. My strength to fight came from my two oldest and (not so) dearest friends Shame & Guilt. What I wanted or needed didn't matter. After all, in the grand scheme of things I was just this thing that existed to do "What was expected". That was until I finally broke and needed to take on the Trans-Beast for real.
Too much too fast will overwhelm any spouse. We've spent a lifetime living, breathing, dealing with, and trying to understand being trans. Our spouses had barely milli-Seconds to in comparison. Often you will see here the "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" attitude after telling an S.O. your deepest darkest and most shame filled secret only to find that the Earth did open up to swallow you, or that meteor did not land squarely on your head. Not even glanced by a lightning strike.
My wife, who knew of my gender issues for nearly 30 years, even saw me cross-dressed, even offered clothing & makeup hints, never the less was in total shock followed by betrayal when I dropped the T-Bomb on her. I had zero plans on transitioning of any sort. Been there tried it twice. Both times utter fails. Plus, as she would often say, "No one in their right mind wants to be a 50 year old woman" followed by a laundry list of reasons why. (yes, there was quite a bit of irony there). We had LOTS of very difficult, especially for this non-talker, especially about feelings person, very open and honest discussions.
During the first year or so she helped me grow as a person. My overall theme in taking on the beast was I needed new tools, healthier ways, to deal with being trans, to better manage my condition. I began reading a ton of self help books. Some spoke to me, others did not. By the time I dropped the T-Bomb on her, I had been to my third ever TG support group meeting and knew for certain I NEEDED to be there. After some 50 years I thought I knew it all. Still I was in shock after the first meeting from being in a room filled with others whose life stories/feelings almost mirrored my own. That shock is still there today some 8 years later.
The first year or so was difficult for us both. All the unknowns, uncertainties, and for her, the Betrayal that I wasn't "Just a CD". BTW - betrayal is a big hot button issue for her. Also during that first year I slowly started growing as a person. I was slowly distancing myself from my two oldest friends, Shame & Guilt. I slowly started changing back into a for-real person, no longer that same lifeless, soulless thing, that "Angry" person I had become after a lifetime of not-handling being trans. She saw the benefits, though still scared of the unknowns the future may bring as I followed this new path.
Now 8 years later, I still live and present primarily as male. My wife, probably loves me more now then back 40 years when both of our hormones were raging. Yes, she is not happy about a loosing "the man". She can no longer see me as one with breasts nicer then hers. I can not doubt she is troubled when I do present fully as female around the house for she can see the joy and happiness radiate from me.
We both have no idea what the future holds. Her greatest fear is me leaving her. Yet today she see's and knows all that I do for her and to preserve "The Us". We both know what a hardship this is for the other. Life in general is a compromise of many conflicting needs and wants, more so in a marriage when the other's needs and wants must also be balanced against your own. We both know how much more of a hardship it was when I didn't do anything about being trans.
So Which Pain is Worse for you? Stuff the trans-beast away in that deep dark dungeon like you tried many times before? Or, knowing there are no "Do Overs", the cat is out of the bag, your wife knows about your gender issues, you know a little of her fears and now try work things out?
