Fear and regret

[Eyie]

Hey everyone,
I really don't even know where I'm going with this post or what advice their really is to give but I need a rant at the very least. I've hardly even known what to do with myself for the past few weeks and have practically just been sleeping all the time if not watching my boys. I feel almost as if I did when I first came out. Filled with fear and regret mainly now I don't even know. I just wish I maybe took my time more or something when I first began. I was just in the worst shape I had ever been at the time.

I made the choice to seperate from my wife in mid October and have just been missing so much the life we used to have to the point I can't stop thinking about it. Besides missing my wife I've been reliving the fear of my boys having a trans parent. I also like don't want to not be their dad as weird as that sounds. I've also worried about finances and giving them the best life they can when me and my wife had always struggled. I worked as a carpenter before which complicated things even more. Both of our families our fully aware of everything going on with me so there's no way things could ever go back to what they were. I just miss being a family. I've shared this all with my "ex" for the record.

I don't know what to do with myself. I've been feeling so torn, like it changes everything to have a family to think about and things would obviously be a lot different if I handled this all when I was younger but of course you can never think that way. I've honestly been debating stopping hormones all together, I don't know. I see my doctor next Thursday so I have to come to a descision by then. I've hardly been a part timer still having never left my house presenting female. I really don't even know where I'm going with this like I've said but I've been trying to just somewhat get my thoughts in a post. I guess I'm done for now even though I hardly feel like I expressed even a fraction of what I wanted. Arghhhhh!

[Eveline]

Eyie, sleeping a lot and feeling like you describe can be symptoms of depression.

Maybe you can discuss this up with your doctor? If you need them, modern antidepressants can be very effective. If you're already taking them, a dosage change may be worth talking about.

Also, hormone dosages can be out of whack, and you end up feeling really crappy. Another discussion item?

I'm not offering medical advice, just some food for thought. I know there's more to your situation than this, and I hope things turn around for you soon!

[JoanneB]

Welcome to the wild and whacky world of "What the F am I doing " meltdowns. I've had quite a few of them. What I found that helped get me through them is constantly reminding myself that "I Know What Does NOT Work". I spent a good 40 years trying things one way.

Change is difficult. Change does not come easily. Wishful thinking hardly ever works. Only you can say if the potential rewards is worth the potential costs.

I constantly struggle with how all I am doing is affecting my wife. Her life has enough pain without me adding to it. I also know all too well that if I went full-time what the potential cost may be. I try to strike a middle ground. Just because I have GD just not demand that I "change teams". There is plenty of wiggle room between cis-male and cis-female for me to explore

[enigmaticrorschach]

honestly, i think i'm having one of these moments since i'm on the road. a little while ago i was like "what the hello am i doing!"

[catandry]

i can understand your feelings on the matter, but i don't think you should deny who you are. that is just going to depress you further. your children, i'll bet, will accept you just the way you are. in a society that is still so unaccepting i believe a parent's job is to teach their kids about acceptance, and i bet you could really do that here and perhaps even change their lives in a very positive way. kids are so adaptable unlike adults who a lot of the times fear change. things may seem bleak now, and believe me i know im going through a lot of changes and pain too but we can all do this if we stick together. you are woman, hear you roar! 

[meganmichelle]

I salute your courage in being who you want to be!  In some ways folks will say you are being selfish, on the flip side others will embrace you and love you and want to be apart of your life. Those are the ones you want in your life.

and yup some days gravity of the situation pulls one way and the next way its in the other direction. The important thing is to decide what you want, what is most important and then follow that.

[Ms Grace]

It sounds like things aren't great for you at the moment and there is nothing wrong with stopping and looking at where you need to go, etc. Even so you still need to work out a way to deal with gender dysphoria since that usually doesn't go away. (Having tried transition for two years and then stopping for twenty years the dysphoria never diminished and I did try various ways to become more actively male but they never stuck). The choice to stop has to be yours and the best thing to do is talk it through with a therapist or a counsellor. Might I suggest that before you make that decision one way or another that you do try going out the door in girl mode at least once? For many people it is a defining moment and could maybe help clarify your feelings.

[R R H]

I came to this post after an engine search on 'regret.' I wonder if you're still around on the forum Eyie and if so what you have decided?

Hugs.

xx

[Eyie]

Well it's been awhile since I've been on here mainly just because I'm constantly so busy for the most part. The other part being that I didn't need it as much as when I first started transitioning I guess but I was just thinking of becoming more active again remembering how amazing it really is to share things with others here. I am probably going to remake my account thou with my actual name since I made this intially in a rush. Anyways, before I start ranting as always and to answer your question I am still very much transitioning. I moved to a lower dose for like a month after this post and then pretty much jumped rite back to what I was taking (actually maybe more but whatever lol.) That said I have still kinda been taking it slow mainly because of my boys and my oldest starting kindergarten this year. Honestly thou I'm not sure how much longer I can keep rocking the androgynous lesbian look anymore lol. That's what people always seem to assume anyways but yea you can't deny yourself that's for sure. I still go through major ups and downs like we all do but hanging it there for now. 

[Dena]

No need to remake your account. Just ask any moderator and we can change your account name. The only restriction is the name can't be used by anybody else. You can check that with the members tab in the upper right hand corner of the screen.

[Eyie]

O I had no idea that could be done. I'd love to just change to "Cailin" if that's possible?

[Dena]

O I had no idea that could be done. I'd love to just change to "Cailin" if that's possible?

The name is available. Check your email address and verify that it's still valid. The name change take place in to parts where the first part will change your display name. When the second change is made, you will received a reactivation notice which you must respond to and you will use the new name as your login. Let me know when you are ready and I all start the process.