Hi everybody,
First of all, I apologize for my English because I'm from Spain and I don't practice it often. I'm sorry if I make many mistakes in this writing.
Well, I have arrived because I'm really lost in my sexuality and I need to express it.
I'm 26 and I'm still doubting about my sexual identity. I would consider it like an eternal adolescence.
The most of people has defined it when they are between 16 and 20 years old. I'm still looking for it.
This confusion does not let me progress through my life. I don't know if my problem are insecurities, obsessed disorder, a repression or if I should consider my gender non-binary. Although I don't like to be a non-binary because I would have to give many explanations constantly. I wish it was easier. I would like to know my label and enjoy my life and my sexuality. Whatever.
I have tried use labels to define me. Sexual orientation labels and gender labels. I have used from heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, asexual, transexual... And I don't feel comfortable with any.
When I was a child I think I have never dream that I would have be a girl. I I remember that I was 7-9 years, I used to dream I was with girls of my class. They were like "sexual" dreams. I imagined myself being with them in the same bed. I used to have imagination when I watched films and there were some sexual scene. I used to feel excited altough I was a boy. I don't know what was I feel excited me. I looked forward to grow up to know to practise sex.
When I was a child my friend were boys. However I got along with the girls. I used to talk with the girls more that my friends. And I understood them. It wasn't as the most of the boys that the boys want to do "things" of boys. And they ignore the girls.
I was like a point between the two genres. I get along with both types. Often I liked was not anyone to join me and I felt quiet. Adults who knew me, like my mother, they told that the girl who would be with me would have luck because I knew very well to understand them with my sensibility. Really I liked that they told me that. I imagined having much success in the future with the girls.
I have a brother and a half years older than me. He had much success early age with the girls, he was very bold since he was a child he had boyfriend. Since adolescence he was single at most two months, no more.. Because when he had had a relationship then another. I think he also sensible I think he has a very healthy masculinity. Well, he more open and outgoing and he always respected me very carefully. Always let me go to him. He gave me security and he assumes full responsibility. Usually everything he did what I did then. For example if he said it was cool go in shorts, I wanted. Among the friends and my brother, my childhood was the best period of my life until now. It has been when I have felt most happiest.
When I Was a boy I used to be embarrassed when somebody told me that if had girlfriend. I remember when more of one girl liked me I could not say who liked me to do no harm to anyone. Although I used to like to somebody. I don't know if I liked the opposite sex. But I woke curiosity. Also now I doubt if I would have liked to be the opposite sex for my sensibility. At the time I don't remember thinking about it this way.
For a time when we were 8 or 9 years home alone. My brother, me and a friend were doing to see that we performed sex. We undressed and we hug pretending someone was a boy and one girl. I think I liked being the girl.
When my brother was 13 years since I gave up because he was busy with his girlfriend. I lost the protection that I had it. But I also believed that I took also tend desire to be with a girl when I grew up. As the teenage years spent my friends felt that they were men and I have not had the feeling of having grown. I wanted to feel that fit the group of friends. BUt I did not feel it. He believed that what happened is that I had a delayed puberty or organic problem. But this feeling is still here when I'm with them. With the girls I amused to be friendly with them. From that I felt more comfortable being with girls and understand better emotionally and sexually. But what I wanted was "to make me a man." That did not feel well. From that moment I began to question my sexual orientation, not yet defined.
I am excited with heterosexual pornography and I don't like homosexual pornography . For me being gay and knowing it, it would be a release for me. But when I watch porn hetero I am confused because what excites me is to see how the girls enjoy with the penis. When I have heterosexual sex (I'm the man) I have never felt so pleased as see pornography. The "group sex" is my favourite porn theme. I get the feeling that I want to be the girl and I feel penetrated to the place that I have my penis.
The question is that I have never suffered from gender dysphoria my body. But socially, yes. I am a man who likes my beard. And when I tell to my friends that I question my sexuality, they don't believe me. I have had just heterosexual relationships (I'm like the boy) And It doesn't fill myself emotionally and sexually. Then when they tell me that I have not found the ideal person. But what I do is questioned my orientation. The truth is that the boys give me security that the girls do not give it me. I like to be with them emotionally. But I dont like the Gay relationship for me. I am not homophobic. As I said I would like to be gay to be quiet.
I like guys heteros then when I feel uncomfortable with my body and I think I prefer to be a girl to please them. I tried crossdresser (although I do not need to do it) but I feel ridiculous and comfortable. In adolescence the confusion I hide a lot with music and the way I was excited and I liked the rocandroll groups singers whom play with their sexuality. Very hair glam-rock type KISS, Twisted sisted, Poison or the type singers David Bowie and Mick Jagger.
Well, to sum it up, I have a lot of confusion because I think I'm a guy, but sexually I think I identify more with the girls. I do not define my sexual orientation. I think that I feel like a woman but it's ok my body in the most of situations. But In love and sex.. It's not. I used to be confortable with this when I was a child. But after teenager age I haven't felt a completely man. I am very lost and it's not easy.
Thanks for this forum and this website. I don't have internet in my home and I can't conect it often
