Need to vent about my in laws

[lil_red]

I'm  FtM, 7 1/2 months on hrt. I've been married to a (so far) supportive man for 14 years and we have 3 kids together.  His mom is disabled  and living with us.  She babysits our youngest child while we are at work. 

I'm not out to a whole lot of people at the moment.  Just immediate family and friends.  I still need to come out to my job and dad's side of the family then I'll come out publicly on social media probably but that's for another post.

So far all of my coming out experiences have been fairly positive.  I have been biding my time about coming out to my mother in law because I knew nothing positive would come from that experience but it turns out she figured it out on her own and asked my husband if it was true and he told her it was.  This was two weeks ago and I've been waiting for her to ask me about it but it hasn't happened yet. 

This morning I found out from my mom that my mother in law went on a negative rant about me being trans IN FRONT OF 2 OF MY CHILDREN.  I knew she had been saying not so nice things about me to some of the other adult family members but it just infuriates me that she's saying stuff in front of my kids.

Anyway I just needed to blow off some steam until I can talk to her about it this weekend. I'm waiting until then just in case things go south and I have to find a new babysitter.

I need tips on how to approach this without causing a huge rift in the family. She's very right wing conservative. You know how some people remain willfully ignorant about lgbtq issues no matter how many facts you give them? Well she's one of them. 

I'm so happy with all of the effects that testosterone has had on my body, but it's people like her that make me really doubt if I'm doing the right thing, and make me feel guilty for what I'm putting my family through.

Rant over...thanks for listening.





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[Devlyn]

Big hug! 

"...it's people like her that make me really doubt if I'm doing the right thing"

But your not doing it for them, you're doing it for you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[lil_red]

Big hug! 

"...it's people like her that make me really doubt if I'm doing the right thing"

But your not doing it for them, you're doing it for you. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Thanks Devlyn.

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[FTMDiaries]

This is one of the reasons why I would never allow my MIL to live in my home. Often, a older person who has previously been the 'head of the house' is used to being treated that way and will expect to retain that status, especially if it's a mother moving in with one of her children - where she also expects the parent/child dynamic to continue. It's can be a very toxic situation where your MIL belittles you & your husband... and it sounds like your MIL doesn't realise that she's not the head of the household any more.

I take it that this is your home, an your MIL lives in a home that belongs to you? If so, her behaviour is doubly inappropriate. She should not criticise you in front of your children, and she should not behave disrespectfully towards you in your own home.

So... speak to your husband first and agree between yourselves how you're going to tackle this, and make sure you tackle it together as a team. My recommendation would be for the two of you to take her to one side and tell her that you've heard she's criticised you in front of your children; give her an opportunity to explain her side of the story (after all, your own mother may have been misinformed). Make it clear that you and your husband are joint heads of this particular household, and as such you are both to be respected in your home by everyone who lives there. It is highly inappropriate for anyone to attempt to undermine either one of you in your own home, but especially in front of your children.

And I agree with Devlyn: your transition is about you being happy in your own skin so you can be as good a person as you possibly can be... and as good a parent to your children as you can be. It's a positive thing for your kids, because one of their parents has been struggling with a terrible medical condition that is now being treated. That can only be a good thing!

TL;DR: Tell her that she needs to treat you with respect or you'll be happy to help her find somewhere else to live.

[lil_red]

This is one of the reasons why I would never allow my MIL to live in my home. Often, a older person who has previously been the 'head of the house' is used to being treated that way and will expect to retain that status, especially if it's a mother moving in with one of her children - where she also expects the parent/child dynamic to continue. It's can be a very toxic situation where your MIL belittles you & your husband... and it sounds like your MIL doesn't realise that she's not the head of the household any more.

I take it that this is your home, an your MIL lives in a home that belongs to you? If so, her behaviour is doubly inappropriate. She should not criticise you in front of your children, and she should not behave disrespectfully towards you in your own home.

So... speak to your husband first and agree between yourselves how you're going to tackle this, and make sure you tackle it together as a team. My recommendation would be for the two of you to take her to one side and tell her that you've heard she's criticised you in front of your children; give her an opportunity to explain her side of the story (after all, your own mother may have been misinformed). Make it clear that you and your husband are joint heads of this particular household, and as such you are both to be respected in your home by everyone who lives there. It is highly inappropriate for anyone to attempt to undermine either one of you in your own home, but especially in front of your children.

And I agree with Devlyn: your transition is about you being happy in your own skin so you can be as good a person as you possibly can be... and as good a parent to your children as you can be. It's a positive thing for your kids, because one of their parents has been struggling with a terrible medical condition that is now being treated. That can only be a good thing!

TL;DR: Tell her that she needs to treat you with respect or you'll be happy to help her find somewhere else to live.

Thanks. This is pretty much what I intend to do.

  It is our (my husband's and my) home.  My mom was not misinformed because she went on the rant TO my mom with two of my children in the room.  My mom did shut her down and told her she didn't want to hear her opinions, though. 

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[FTMDiaries]

Thanks. This is pretty much what I intend to do.

Good luck!

Just make sure you do it together, because if you tackle your MiL alone she'll try to paint you as the bad guy. If you both present a united front, she's more likely to learn to behave appropriately. Don't be surprised if she seems dismissive at first, but keep reinforcing the message and stamp down on any further criticism.

Also, tell her that if you're going to allow her to spend any time alone with any of your kids, you'll need her to reassure you that she won't criticise you in front of them. Appeal to her as a fellow parent: point out that she would never want to leave her kids unattended with anyone who is disrespectful towards her... and neither do you.

It's a privilege to look after someone else's kids. She needs to earn that privilege, and the primary ingredient is trust.

[KathyLauren]

How is your hubby dealing with this issue?  It's his mom, so it should be his job to put her in her place.  At least, he needs to be vocal to her about backing you up.

[lil_red]

How is your hubby dealing with this issue?  It's his mom, so it should be his job to put her in her place.  At least, he needs to be vocal to her about backing you up.

He actually wants to speak to her on his own, which I don't want. I don't want it to seem like I'm sending him to fight my battles.  Plus at times I don't feel like he 100% understands trans issues and I don't want him accidently misinforming her.   Like Ftmdiaries suggested, I want to talk to her together. 

We only spoke briefly about it this morning. Tonight we will talk more about it and hopefully get on the same page.

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[jentay1367]

IMHO......it's time for a united front convo with her and with your husband in attendance. In particular regarding the undermining of you with your kids. Not cool. If she balks or argues, it's time to read her the riot act. Your house, your rules. End of story.