I started taking T in November. The first 2 months I kept procrastinating coming out to a few family members and people I work with. Now I am nearing 4 months and I regret handling things the way I did (or didn't, in this case).
I still am usually read as a woman. Applying for jobs is stressful because I don't feel comfortable putting my given name but I know in a relatively short amount of time I'll be passing with more regularity and I'll have to come out. Sometimes when I worry about it a lot I will skip T injections and it further messes with my mood.
I also feel awkward at home. My parents are divorced. My mom remarried. She and her wife are supportive. My little sister is distant in general but is ok with it. My dad is awkward about it but hasn't disowned me or anything.
But because of feeling stressed I feel like my trans identity is a huge elephant in the room. I am always paranoid and critical of myself. I don't want to bring attention to it at all so I haven't really clarified things with anyone. Especially my dad whom I haven't been open with as I should be.
When I was closeted I loved reading about trans history and theory and talking about it with a select group of people. It made me feel proud and better. But now that I'm faced with the semantics of transitioning I just hate it. The contrast was stark and sudden. When my friends call me by my given name I don't feel giddy anymore. Just ashamed.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't trans. But I know I am. I hope things will get better when I get through this in between phase. I just wish I could go somewhere no one knows me and totally restart as my new self.
