I've finally gotten up the nerve to test the waters of community, which I think will be a good move for me but is pretty nervewracking in its own right. I've only recently begun therapy and been diagnosed and started the big important comings-out, and it feels like nothing is happening and everything is happening all at once, just rather terrifying in general. The local support group sounds like it'd be helpful, but I don't drive and can't get transportation to it right now so I thought I'd best try to at least touch base with folks online. This looks like a nice place. Good to meet you all.
I'm 48 and have only
just this last hour even heard of coming out to *oneself*. Man, I wish I'd have known that for the last few times I was asked, "Why has it taken you so long to realize/decide/come up with this?" That's a hard question to answer when the answer feels very lame--it just wasn't on my radar to think I could ever do anything about the way I felt. I've always been a very emotional person and my family tagged me as "the dramatic one", and you can't help sort of believing it when people say that for so long, so my feelings that my body was wrong and my social gender role was wrong and all these related things were wrong...I just wrote them off as my not being happy with those things, and never considered it was A Thing.
Even when the concept of transgender did come into my awareness, via a friend I'd lost contact with for many years who suddenly showed up the opposite gender, I didn't right away figure it out. My gut reaction to this news about my friend was envy. You'd think that would've tipped me off, right? But nope. I was dense. I didn't come out to myself until around five years ago when I told my then-therapist I thought I had gender "issues", and just as we were about to delve into that, she moved away and I did not find another therapist I liked. The thought didn't go away, though. It kept percolating in my head and feeling more and more like it was really a thing. I think I came out to myself and my best friend at the same time a couple of years ago, and with my friend's complete and unwavering support I've been working at figuring it all out since then.
I've recently begun to see a counselor who specializes in transgender and in trauma (I have chronic PTSD and anxiety disorder). The catalyst that got me off my duff to go find a new one was very spontaneously coming out to my mother. Contrary to my utter conviction that she would scoff and tell me I was being overly dramatic and to knock it off, she's been amazingly, awesomely supportive and non-judgmental. Turns out she was not attached to my gender, she just isn't wired that way. Knowing that she has my back helped me to get my feet under me for the reeeeally hard part...
I came out to my husband the week before last. Oh my gods. I've heard that coming out is the hard part...it sure as heck was not for me. He loves me, he's re-confirmed that he loves me over and over, but he is hurt and needs to process and we still have not begun to talk about it as a topic and hash things out, and the waiting is scary and awful. And seeing that he's hurt is scary and awful; I feel like I've done something bad and I am constantly battling the impulse to tuck my tail and just say "screw it, let's pretend this never happened and I'll just pretend I can be happy this way". I just can't, I've dug my heels in and I'm refusing to do that to myself, but gods, I sure want to. He's responded as best he could get his thoughts together, but it's slow going and I'm desperate for real communication to start. It's hard to give him his space to think when silence feels like danger. As well as I know him and as much as I know he loves me, there's still that vicious nasty little voice in the back of my mind saying "but what if". I wish it would shut up. I wonder when it shuts up, or if it ever will.
Anyway, that's my personal info dump, I feel like I'm going to just ramble so I will leave it at that. My work has just begun. I haven't even found a new name I like and I feel so very slow and dim in some aspects of this. Hopefully I will find some inspiration here!
