Starting HRT at 59

[Billie B]

Hello Lovely Siblings,

I started Estradiol 2 days ago and I'm keeping a gender journal. I'm a young 59 and am excited to transition for the final 3rd of my life... give or take 

I'm curious about the experiences of my sisters who transitioned when they were over 40. Apart from the physical, mental and emotional changes which I would love to hear all about, I'm also curious to what degree, if any, my siblings still identify with their assigned at birth sex.

I believe that I will always be on the non-binary spectrum but I am keeping an open mind to all the goodies that the future has in store for me.

I know we are all unique and respond to HRT differently but I would love to hear about anything you want to share regarding your changes at all the various stages of your transition.

Hugs!
Billie

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Billie!  Congratulations on starting HRT!

Well, I am 6 weeks into HRT at age 62.  I was just noticing in the last couple of days that I feel lighter and more like myself.  While I am still only part-time, the old male person is feeling more like a disguise I put on when I leave the house and take off (with relief) when I get home.  I *AM* Kathy and I can do anything. 

This transition no longer feels like something scary that I have to explore carefully or tentatively.  I am becoming myself, and it is me that I am exploring.  Before I started HRT, I still had doubts about whether this was the right path or whether I was deluding myself.  No longer.  I know that is is the right path for me.  There is no turning back, ever.

I posted in another thread about a presentation, not trans-related, that I have been asked to make to a local hobby group this summer.  I will be newly out at that point, and it will be the first time many in that group see me as Kathy.  Yet, although I am nervous, I can't see myself not doing it.  I feel this reserve of confidence building up inside me.  I can do this, and I am going to enjoy it!

And, on the physical side, I am enjoying the pain in my nipples.  I had to start wearing a sports bra when out in guy mode so that I don't poke someone's eye out with them.  (Well, okay, it is to protect the nipples from irritation. )  This week, there is a suggestion that there may be a little bit of growth happening underneath them.  Yay! 

[laurenb]

Happy for you Billie!

I'm 55 and just under 3 months along on HRT. All I can say is it just feels right. LOL - I'm aware of my breasts in ways that I didn't know I could be. My mental and emotional world is much sunnier now. I'm starting to care less that, in spite of still being in the closet, I'm viewed as feminine or female. Of course I always wanted that but the fear of being found out was crushing. Now I'm starting to just be myself without as much self consciousness. Still a long way to go in this transition, but if I think about where I was last year ... You'll feel that way soon too.

[Deborah]

I'm 57 and I haven't really identified with my assigned birth sex since I was 11 years old.  I have kind of a funny story that illustrates that pretty clearly.  Way back in 1987 I was in a two month long Army school that involved severe sleep and food deprivation while taking turns leading continuous operations in the woods.  One night, about half way through, I was feeling particularly tired and overwhelmed and generally just wishing I was somewhere else.  I vividly remember thinking to myself, "Why am I here? Women aren't supposed to be in this school!"  LOL.  (I did go on to finish the course)

Nevertheless, while my mental identification was always consistent I did faithfully play out my assigned role and I think nobody would have ever guessed.

Mainly, what HRT has done for me was mostly eliminate the dysphoria and completely cured a bad depression that had me wishing for death every day.  I am no longer overwhelmingly cynical and no longer use my wife as a whipping post for my own misery. This in turn has greatly improved our relationship and our daily fights, mostly started by me, have disappeared.

I also dropped my religion and switched my political affiliation.  Both of these were largely part of an intricate coping mechanism I had developed over the years to assist in maintaining a facade of total suppression of what I knew I was.  These things became no longer necessary and I'm much happier without them.

It might seem then that I have had a major personality change.  I do not think that is the case but rather I simply cleared away the extraneous infrastructure that held up my false facade against overwhelming internal pressure to burst out.

My mind has also become much more focused without the constant loud buzz of dysphoric thoughts that filled nearly every waking moment.

Physically, with my testosterone now completely non existent I am happy and full of energy.  Since I started I have lost 38 lbs and gotten back into decent physical condition.  I haven't cut my hair in over two years and as my avatar shows I'm pretty lucky to have not ever had any hair loss.  That, maybe as much as anything else, has helped my recovery.  It did take my wife a while to get used to the hair though as before, for 30 years, she was my barber and kept it cut in a strict military style.  LOL. 

My body has changed a fair bit although since my bodyfat is now deliberately kind of low it may not show as much as if I allowed myself to be heavier.  The measurements and proportions are definitely different though.

If I had to summarize the extreme difference HRT has made for me I might say that "I once was in darkness.  Now I am in light."  This short paragraph describes me before; I do want to ever return to that again.

"I open my eyes and it's dark.  I'm in a box, dark, cramped, very small.  I feel around with my hands and its sealed.  There are no openings and there is no escape.  It's completely silent and as I begin to beat on the sides of the box the sound is muffled and I realize the box is buried underground and there is no escape.  I scream and nobody can hear, nobody can help.  Deep dark despair embraces me with its icy arms as I realize I  am trapped . . . alone . . . for eternity."




It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[Dayta]

Heya Billie, Congratulations on taking this important step! 

I'm 56 going on 57, and have been taking E for almost six months now.  I am much more at peace and comfortable with myself since I began, but generally I feel as if this transition is a gentle and gradual one, almost more evolution than revolution.  I'm finding preference in more feminine aspects of my existence, but I don't regret my past choices, nor do I hold any resentment toward my former and fading maleness.  I have four sisters, all from a fanatical football family, so some things like loving American football, I don't see as gendered where others might. 

I'm having to get used to taking more time and care in my appearance, and sometimes miss the convenience of putting a cap on and walking out the door in the morning.  But things like that seem more about rearranging priorities than about association with my birth gender. 

Sometimes I see the whole process like a caterpillar/butterfly analogy.  The caterpillar was a necessary condition for me, not one I regret, nor wish to repeat.  Gender is certainly about performance, at least in part for me. And the performance of it demands some concessions, in order to be perceived as I perceive myself.  Each of us has different ways that we can and might stretch and test those societal norms, and at what cost. 

The more time I spend thinking about it and living it, the more comfortable I become in accepting and showing the woman I am, rather than "becoming" a woman.  In a way, I am finding that my birth gender was a kind of a sham, and that the maleness I had, besides the hormone-driven physical (and psychological) attributes, - my "caterpillar," wasn't really male at all.

Thanks for posing the question.  It's fun to think about my journey from different aspects and perspectives.  I hope that your own journey goes well, and will be looking forward to hearing some of your own insights as you go along. 

Erin

[jentay1367]

The advice I was given was to settle in and throw your mirrors away the first year. It's a roller coaster. That's for sure. The best part is that if you're truly trans....it will shut the committee in your head down. That's been the best part. Shutting them up. And it does shut them up. Good luck!!!!♥

[Billie B]

Ladies, Ladies, Ladies [emoji173]

What a gift to wake up to all your encouragement, generosity and insight. I'm on day 4 now so my body and mind is just starting to adjust to the new chemistry. My spirits are high, I'm a little less anxious and I've been craving a wee nap in the mid afternoon.
In my excitement to encourage transition I've been thinking about talking to my doctor again about Spiro but have reservations based on warnings of complete erectile dysfunction.
Does anyone have any experience with spiro or other t blockers?
Also, my girlfriend was put on a progesterone anti androgen cocktail and she functioned well in the Willy until it was turn into a vagina last month.
All thoughts, reflections and suggestions are very much appreciated.
Hugs
Billie


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[Deborah]

I'm on a pretty high spiro dose.  It took a while but it did eventually reduce my T to an undetectable level.

This is guaranteed to lead to ED.  For me that was desired.  Maybe a lower spiro dose would work for you.  You might also wait until your next blood test and see what your T level is then.  E by itself may or may not lower it enough to give you your desired results.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

[davina61]

Will be 62 in April and waiting to start , lets hope it makes me fell ME 50 years is a long wait.

[Billie B]

That sounds like sound advice, Deborah.

Part of me wants to hurry things up,
Another part wants me to take her time.

Since the part in my pants isn't done having fun,
I will hold my horses and walk, not run.

Thanks,
Billie