It's not them, it's me

[zamber74]

Sorry for the lousy subject line, I've just been thinking again.. I really should stop doing that, it never leads to any good 

I'm a loner, I have always been so, and will always be so.  Give me a computer, a few games, the Internet, and I am as happy as can be.  So, when I think of transitioning, the question always pops up in my mind "why?"  I don't want the attention from others, so it is not to be treated differently, I mean that would be nice, but is not the goal.  I'm not fashionable, I would like to look pretty, but realistically if beauty is the only reason to transition then I'm SOL. 

I'm not even much into cross dressing, so it is not the clothes, if I had the body for it, sure I might do it more, but right now I just look horrible and it feels worst for me to do so than not.

My body feels so out of place.  I feel out of place in society, I feel like I am always living a lie when I am around people, even worst I feel like a liar around them.  It is just so weird, you know?  I can not rationally explain to myself why I feel the way I do.  It is like I have to put on an act, most of my interactions with people feel fake, I'm sure many of you know how that feels.  But transitioning is not going to change that for me, unfortunately.  I don't think I will ever feel *real*, instead it will always be acting the part.

Transitioning is not going to make my life any easier,  I just would like to see myself as I've always wanted to see myself.  As I lay here on the couch, I would rather not see muscular legs spread apart, but rather feminine ones closed together, the manly hands replaced by delicate ones.  I would like to look in the mirror, and see a heart shaped face looking back at me, with soft skin, and a gentle smile.

And it is not sexual, it is not eroticism, just how I have always felt.  Even as a child, I would look at my beautiful teachers and neighbors, yearning to look like them one day, to be a thing of beauty just as they were.  Just a pure innocent form that to me felt natural.

The other boys, would want to be tough, strong, manly.  They would play with one another in a manner that was not natural to me, you know?  I could never understand their desire to be that way.

And it makes no sense, you know?  But that is the way it has always been.  So, this would be for me, not them.  It would not be about glamouring myself up, to be gawked at, to be showered with compliments, to be swept off my feet and treated as though I were a princess. 

Just so I can look myself in the mirror, and feel right for once of my life.

But then, I have to ask myself, will I ever feel right, lol.. can't win for losing with me.  I think I will always see flaws in the mirror, my body will probably not change that much.. bleh..  I think I'm gonna pig out on some food now

Sorry about the post, it is nonsensical, but I had to type it out.

[ImSomething]

Hi!

So I was surprised to find that when I read your post I related to it on almost every mark. I think what you're describing is rather normal, if not good, seeing as you were able to recognize it. I may be wrong, but that's my impression. The only thing for me is the desire to be female didn't come until onset of puberty for me. Before that, I was just me. I was unhappy with how I looked so I focused on personality and intelligence. I didn't want to be tough or strong (beyond the influence of the type-cast social norms from being AMAB), but because I was the kind of AMAB that didn't quite realize the internal disconnect until at least age 11. Sometimes it makes me feel inauthentic, but I try and ignore it by realizing everyone is different.

I hope your day is going well!

[Daniellekai]

Sounds familiar, although my physical dysphoria isn't as bad, my social dysphoria is right up there. If you did crossdress, and someone treated you as they would a female about your age, would you be embarrassed, or embarrassingly happy?
I ask myself that kind of question a lot as I make these life altering decisions. As you may notice, there isn't an option for not embarrassed, because until you're comfortable with being trans (I'm not yet, but it's entirely obvious that I should expend the effort to get comfy with it), you won't be able to say you wouldn't be embarrassed about it. So the question is "would you be happier if you were a female, or if you were male in X or Y situation?"
It doesn't have to come up female every time for transition to make sense for you, just most of the time. It sounds like you'd be very happy to be a girl gamer, yes?

[zamber74]

I would be many times more happy with my own body, if I resembled more of a female.  As far as social dysphoria is concerned, I honestly don't know.  As it stands right now, I already experience it on almost any social setting.  In general, I dislike being placed in the spot, where I am the center of attention.  I don't think that would change regardless of how I looked.

[zamber74]

Thanks ImSomething, I'm having a pretty good day.  I'm a little bit tired, and have to drive for the next hour   But, otherwise it has been pretty good.  I hope you are doing good as well

[Sno]

...
My body feels so out of place.  I feel out of place in society, I feel like I am always living a lie when I am around people, even worst I feel like a liar around them.

... It is like I have to put on an act, most of my interactions with people feel fake, I'm sure many of you know how that feels.  But transitioning is not going to change that for me, unfortunately.  I don't think I will ever feel *real*, instead it will always be acting the part.

Just to continue the theme, in a campfire/group therapy kind of way... I'll put a trigger warning here, as well as a [hug] because we are not alone.

I can see the agenda and emotional play on the other and know that I am missing cues, but I see the ploys, the stories, the loves and hates writ large, and cannot understand why those around don't see it, I stand out because I ask those awkward questions, it would be easier if I wasn't here.

I've developed strategies for survival, mimicry at the lowest level. I make mistakes often and I stand out because of that, I am a visible misfit. I am angry with myself because I can see your confusion, your hurt, your shock, and I am aware. I know you would be glad if I left.

I've expectations to be allowed to care and nurture, to hold and make safe, not fight and compete. So much so that I am hurt, jealous, or angry when it is presumed that is not my role, and it is denied to me and feel unwelcome to remain.

I get despondent, when I am silenced by both sides. So please excuse me if I'm not 'joining in', I am hurt because I feel I do not count, and you really wouldn't notice if I left.

I move like no other, a weird wired half form, with poses, gestures and flow that make my misfit plain to see.

I am unable to follow the patterns expected. I am a misfit, I've lived with the label alien, alienated, and isolated.

I feel lonely in the bubble you have created, and I will try to smash the bubble with gatherings, to prove to myself that I am not isolated, but the tenuous links to inclusion, mask the near perfect excision.

I struggle somedays, trying to play your game and my emotional regulation suffers, I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't be around.

Just like a bad actor in a mystery play, changing role will not really change the ending, although it may change the costume.

Rowan

[Dena]

Try this out for size. The reason you want it is to stop the hurting. Imagine going through a day, week or month and never thinking about being the wrong gender and not feeling the pain associated with it. That's what my life has been like for almost 35 years. I have to think back and remember what it was like because it's no longer a current memory. It's somewhere in the way distant pass and some what faded from the passing of all those years. That is what it's like to be CIS and that's what awaits you.