Hey everyone, I'm so glad I found this place! It just feels so good to find a place on the internet where I can openly talk about this sorta stuff... So, a bit about me.
I've only recently finally decided to come on terms that I am transgender. I've been born a man, but I feel and want to be a woman. Pretty sure this is a standard introduction here, haha
I am soon gonna be 23, btw.
For years I've been secretly fighting with something I at that point did not know is gender dysphoria. I can remember that even as a 10 year old I've been having thoughts such as ''But what if I was born a girl?''
That developed as puberty came in. The more I asked myself that question, the more I liked the idea. You see, I am a very imaginative person and I'm often daydreaming, making up fantasies and stories and am very creative. I even wrote a few stories where I changed my own sex and name. The funny thing is, I didn't really.... question myself is something may be wrong with me. It's a bit hard to explain, but it's like I didn't even stop and think something like ''Hold on, thinking and feeling like this isn't right!''
As a kid and a young teen, I was interested in a lot of things boys traditionally wouldn't be. I hated sports, I didn't like outside activities. I much preferred to stay inside and play with girls. Most of my friends were girls too, even now they are. I just feel more comfortable socialising with them as I can understand them better.
When I was 18, I started playing a lot of multiplayer online roleplaying games, MMORPG for short. I realised I HATE playing with male characters and I much preferred my characters to be female and I played these games as some sorta dress up game because these games tend to put a lot of emphasis on the outfits you can put on your character. Not just that, but I started to roleplay as a female (but I never abused this to trick people for my own personal gain) and realised that I feel super comfortable like that! I loved the my new feminine persona and I completely changed. It's like I became a whole different person, but more than anything, I felt, for the first time, like I am finally myself.
But then came frustration, sadness and depression. As years went on, I've come to realise I hate having body of a man. I hate masculine gender roles. I do not want to be a big, strong man, be the money provider, be the alpha... you know what I mean. I would be much more comfortable being a ''housewife'', be the emotional support, dress up in cute clothes, have makeup... It's so difficult getting right clothes for myself. In 5 minutes, on female section I can find more things I'd love to wear than I'd find in half an hour on male section. And I never was comfortable wearing more masculine attire such as shirts etc.
And as this went on, I bottled these feelings down and tried to be more manly. I despised how I looked, so I even grew a beard. It didn't make me feel any more masculine, though. Now I simply have it because I think it suits my features better but I would be perfectly fine not having it. I tried to appear stronger, more masculine, especially after I got a very serious girlfriend... but through last 3 years I've realised I just can't be like that.
So recently, about 2 weeks ago, I finally came out to her with my feelings. She's bisexual and we've jokingly tossed the idea of me being a woman here and there, like ''What if...'' type of ideas. But recently we've talked more and more seriously like ''How would it affect us if you transitioned?''.
I've told her before that if I had the power to magically change my body to female, I would do it. Funny enough, she didn't think something may be wrong with me back then. But now the truth is out, we've seriously discussed it and after some tough days she's fully prepared to support me.
I am now facing new issues, though. The country I live in, Slovenia, is not very accepting towards transgender people like me, especially those who go through entire process of HRT and surgery. Getting diagnosed here is hell as well, as the doctor requires you to live like a woman for an entire YEAR before they CONSIDER putting you on HRT. By living like a woman I mean go out in public dressed like one, act like one... all the while you obviously look like a man or a drag queen. This does not help my case AT ALL as all I would receive is hate, teasing and overall resulting anxiety.
So my plan is to get diagnosed abroad and us two can move to a country that's supportive enough. Netherlands is the most optimal candidate because we have a relative living there who could help us.
Another issue I am anxious about is... what if I am just crazy? Do I really have a dysphoria? At this point I am SURE I do have it, I went through a lot of articles, even did some online tests (I know they're not meant to be taken as a legit diagnosis, but they helped me a lot) so I really am sure. But I'm just anxious about the entire thing. I mean, I plan to go through the HRT and possibly SRS too, which means my entire life will change, I'll eventually have to come out to my family AND her family (I already came out to a few friends - all of them said ''A lot of things make sense now!'') and all of this makes me just so anxious. Sometimes I even think that maybe I should stop all that before I cause someone any trouble. I'm just like that. And then I get depressed about my little identity crisis.
Phew, that was a longer post than I planned! So sorry to make you go through all this. If you're still here reading this, thanks so much. It feels good to just voice out my stuff like that. I hope I didn't overdo it...
But all in all, all anxiety aside, I am super excited about my newfound accepted identity!
