Hello to all. I have been lurking here for a while; decided to register and post today. First off, I want to say thank you to everyone here for sharing your stories and experiences. I am really grateful to you all and have been learning a lot.
I am really unsure about what my ultimate status will be. I have not seen a therapist or started any medication. I am in my late 20s and have been living as gay man. On Valentine's day, I finally expressed to my husband that I am having some gender identity issues. Luckily, he was very supportive. (He's bi, so that helps.)
I have struggled with gender identity a couple of times before, but I always played it off. I would think something like, "Gender is a social construct, so I can just dress how I want and act how I want, and I don't need to label my feelings." (I am not trying to say this to be offensive to anyone here who has different knowledge/experience of their own gender. Just trying to share my state of mind at the time.) That worked out okay in college. I went to a very liberal school where I was constantly hanging out with LGBTQIA+ people and could safely cross-dress often without raising too many eyebrows. But as I have settled down near my husband's family, lost that queer community, and stopped wearing makeup, painting my nails, and cross-dressing in order to fit into family life, I have really begun feeling mixed up. I have noticed that if I spend any time around transgender people or watching transgender media, I feel insanely jealous. But I must say that my level of discomfort with my body itself is relatively low, at least for now. But my desire to dress and be perceived as a woman/femme is very strong.
So, now that I have sort of let myself say out loud that I am having gender identity issues, I feel really uncertain about how to interpret my past. Part of me feels, frankly, a little ridiculous for not having seen the signs earlier. My Facebook photos are 20%+ of me dressed in drag. I have worn makeup and painted my nails on and off since high school. I have also worn articles of women's clothing since high school. Even when I was a little kid, I would put my grandma's hat and shoes on and sweep the floor. My progressive parents put male and female clothing in our dress up box as kids, and I loved to parade around in my mom's old pumps with long-nailed witch fingers on. My closest family and friends have always used a feminine nickname for me. So one part of me feels like these experiences are a long trail of breadcrumbs I have been leaving for myself. And at the end of that trail is a sign that says "Duh, you're trans!"
However, I have always just chalked up much of this to being a gay man who is just more feminine in his gender presentation. I have always told myself that "I've known I was gay since I was a little kid." I came out when I was quite young. I haven't necessarily had such concrete feelings re: gender in the same way. And, unless my denial is very, very potent, I am mostly satisfied with my body. I would prefer it to look more feminine, but I am fine with my sex organs and I enjoy sex. So this leads me to worry that if I seek out trans support groups, they are going to laugh me out of the room. To say that I overthink situations is putting it mildly--I could give a list of questions/concerns a mile long at this point.
So, to pick just a few questions: have any of you experienced any of these feelings of confusion re: transition? Difficulty separating the feminine components and rituals of gay male sexuality (more attention to appearance, makeup, occasional cross-dressing/drag) from the desire to present as a woman on a full-time basis or medically transition? Does anyone have any tips or strategies for sorting out these feelings?
Yours with love and confusion,
P
[note: I edited the above a little bit to comply with the site's terminology policy]
