On being Liz

[LizK]

So today I had big plans...shopping and food shopping...neither of which was critical but I kind of thought it was a nice day some shopping might be fun...After slowly getting into the day I finally went and stood in front of the mirror to start getting ready for the day.

I soon discovered that staying home was going to be the more likely option...The area I had "face blasted" yesterday was really swollen and hanging down like a goitre (almost)pockmarked by deep black bruises from the injections (sorry to those eating)...I had forgotten about the side effects. Oh well, plenty to do in the way of domestic chores...when my face is like that I am better of out of the sun and makeup.

Tomorrow my wife and I will be going shopping and then another gardening bee on Saturday...I am not that keen on gardening but with the amount I do you would think it is a secondary love.

Psychology appointment Friday, First since going fulltime, each day my confidence grows just a little bit.

Saturday afternoon I am doing a little piece for an ITDOV video that will be released on the Internet for ITDOV. So that will entail me speaking briefly for a few seconds, I will be pushing the line of correct pronouns and that we have always been men or women just with the wrong equipment and nothing else. I wanted people to treatment as female if I appear that way and not the way the think they should address me based on whatever bias or phobia they have.  So that should be fun

Liz

[Barb99]

I can usually start to feel some small pains after about an hour but by that stage she has usually cleared the area I have numbed. After about 1 hr 45 they are really starting to wear off and by 2 1/2 hour mark they are almost non  existent....from about the 1:45 to the 2:00 hr mark is when it starts to begin to fade and when this happens it happens fairly quickly.

My injections are usually given by about 12:30-12:45, its then 15 minutes to get parked and into the Electrologist...each time I think I have provided her with a big enough are she clears it...she can work way faster.

The injections themselves could be a bit tricky depending on where you live. I had great difficulty finding a Dr willing to do it...by Dr who does my Endo stuff does it for me because she is Trans herself and understands the pain and the need. She doesn't have huge amount of experience (except in injecting her own face)with facial injections but together we are learning as to what works best.

Hope that helps

Liz

Thanks Liz for the info. I'll probably have to stick with what I have. There is a dentist across the hall from my Electrologist. A few months ago I talked him into giving me injections, but he will only do it like he was going to do dental work so it only numbs the area around my mouth. It works great for the upper lip which is the most painful to me.
Next week is my 4th and hopefully final clearing of the upper lip. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I should be done with Electrolysis by the end of summer.

[LizK]

I had 4 hours on my top lip with dental block injections and they hurt way more than the ones I had in the face from my Dr... I have maybe one more session for final clearance on my top lip...Glad to hear you are nearly done...what a relief

[Barb99]

She clears the entire upper lip in about an hour and a quarter. With the dental injections I don't feel a thing for that whole time! Even so I really hope this is my last clearing!

[LizK]

Today looking in the mirror my neck resembles something akin to a strangulation victim...I have scabs and white topped follicles, delicate hues of blue and yellow around dark black patches of bruising. No point in even truing to hide that so just some BB cream and Eyeliner and off IO went with my wife shopping for the first time with me as Liz. We have shopped together heaps fort Liz but never with Liz.

She seemed a little irritable  during the shopping trip. I remained as relaxed as I could and everyone I interacted with was pleasant enough to me. No body "mam'ed" me...but I guess that might come with time...maybe I need to be wearing a dress to get a female pronoun... who knows...didn't matter as really enjoyed the outing with my wife.

We talked when we got home and she asked if I was OK and I told her fine and then she apologised for being ratty...we kind of talked about the trip but there was nothing really to say it was way less eventful that she or I expected. She noticed a kid staring at one point and a few women check me out but other than that nothing. I think she was pleasantly surprised and not expecting such a low key reaction.

Todays shopping trip probably feels to her the same way as the first time I went out dressed in public felt to me....and she handled it brilliantly. I do love that woman

Liz

[jentay1367]

I thought about that, Liz. When I was playing guy (which I did very well, by the way) it occurred to me that very few people ever Sir-ed me. So why the heck would they Ma'am me now?
      I'm blessed just like you, by the way. Got a wonderful wife of 33 years that's stuck with me through it all. It's good to be blessed, regardless of where the blessing comes from! Be well, Hon!

[LizK]

Today was quite a tough day emotionally but I have managed toi get through basically unscathed.

I went and did some filming for the ITDOV (International Transgender Day of Visibility) short video for the day which will be circulated on Facebook and a couple of Internet News Outlets. I had a small speaking part along with a group shoot...which was a bit of fun but the stuff we were talking about was very emotionally draining... but all great if it can help someone.

I had an emotional meltdown just prior to leaving that didn't last too long and was triggered by my wife...bless her...she didn't mean too if was just one of those horrible communication things...once I had everything was back in perspective I was fine...that E is a real rollercoaster sometimes and learning to get it under some kind of control is hard...as many of you know 

I also came out on Facebook to the last few acquaintances I hadn't managed to tell. I also made it clear to all my friends and family that the time  to use correct pronouns and name has arrived. I gave very little background details but instead talked about the wonderful support I have received. I have not had a look at the responses yet but I am told they are all positive...which is great. Time will tell....

Liz 

[JeanetteLW]

Today was quite a tough day emotionally but I have managed toi get through basically unscathed.

I went and did some filming for the ITDOV

I had an emotional meltdown .... that E is a real rollercoaster sometimes and learning to get it under some kind of control is hard...as many of you know 

I also came out on Facebook to the last few acquaintances I hadn't managed to tell. I also made it clear to all my friends and family that the time  to use correct pronouns and name has arrived.

Liz

  Hi Liz,
   Filming huh? That sounds both exciting and terrifying. I'm sure the film makers will help struggling people out there.

   Meltdowns? What are meltdowns? Yes, I have to agree the E ticket ride can be very bumpy. Fortunately the rides up are so much better than the falls down.

  I am so glad for you and your coming out. I'm sure it wasn't all good, but a lot of it was and now it's done.  Bravo.
Wish that I was at that point also to share your relief. I suppose I really shoud get started soon. **sigh**

  Keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. You will reach that goal.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

 

[LizK]

  Hi Liz,
   Filming huh? That sounds both exciting and terrifying. I'm sure the film makers will help struggling people out there.

   Meltdowns? What are meltdowns? Yes, I have to agree the E ticket ride can be very bumpy. Fortunately the rides up are so much better than the falls down.

  I am so glad for you and your coming out. I'm sure it wasn't all good, but a lot of it was and now it's done.  Bravo.
Wish that I was at that point also to share your relief. I suppose I really shoud get started soon. **sigh**

  Keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other. You will reach that goal.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

Fear is what stops us, fear of what may be, fear of rejection...Imagine if you were out to only your Sister? How much different would your life be? It is one of those situations where I started coming out back in September 2015 and have just finished now and I bet I still haven't told everyone. It was about who do I tell that is relevant and make a difference in my life. If you do want to transition then at some point you will want to tell people, if you don't want to transition and are happy crossdressing then coming out will also make your life that much easier...especially in your case with your sister. How much simpler would your life be

Liz

[jentay1367]

To Liz's point about those that fear coming out to others, I wonder how much is simply the fear of unleashing the mechanism that will surely change all you know and how you perceive it?  Seems like just because you want something, doesn't mean you're ready to deal with all it entails. It was like that for me. My first concern was my transphobia. Once I made that hurdle, it became concern for others perceptions and the forced changes on them. Once I made that hurdle, the only thing left was, am I actually willing to do the very hard work and live in perpetuity with all that endeavor entails. It was almost like the the stages of grief that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross details. There really is that divide between your own authenticity and the male privilege you've always enjoyed. I'd be lying if I said I never contested the two. In the end, I simply concluded that the tapestry of my life would be richer in the long run if I presented as myself to those I love and the world at large. If for no other reason than to live with the simplicity and elegance of truth.

[LizK]

I think the Kubler ross theory on grief is bang on...it applies and can be seen in so many aspects of our lives. I know I have gone through a grieving period over this.


You wrote "If for no other reason than to live with the simplicity and elegance of truth."

Nicely put, I couldn't agree more...living authentically frees up a lot of space for other things, who knows what we can accomplish when our minds are not caught up in these gender issues.

Liz

[LizK]

Just went through the replies on my Facebook from my coming letter...I was really surprised to see the level of love and acceptance shown to me by many of my friends and my immediate family...I don't think the comments are over by a long shot...I was surprised by some of the names that have popped up...Social media was the last. I see my Psychiatrist next week and he can actually earn his keep this time by writing me a letter so I can get some stuff changed, drivers licence, bank details, passport that kind of stuff...finally

This is what my Facebook post said...

"Many of you about to read this post will know what it is about. A number of you will find this a total shock, I have tried to contact as many people as possible individually but unfortunately that is not always possible.

I am Transgender and more specifically Transsexual, I began to transition to living as female about 18months ago with the full support of my medical team and more importantly my Family and Friends. In the next few hours my face book page will change to reflect my correct gender and my chosen name.

Meryl has shown me a level of love and care that would be well beyond what many women could and would do. She has always been my soul mate as anyone that knows us would attest. This has to be the most painful, confusing, happy, joyous and frustrating situation she and I have ever encountered, with her strength and love she has been there for bother the sorrow and the4 happiness. We are staying together and continue with our lives together as a family.

My Daughters, whom I love with every fibre of my being, have been fully supportive and have always been one of my first considerations. They have shown me in so many practical ways how much the love and support me.Thankyou my SG & B.

I encourage all my friends to stay as a friends, but I do accept that not everyone will be able to deal with this so I may lose a few along the way. c'est la vie, I hold no grudges

Onwards and upwards, many of you asked when they should use she/her pronouns and my chosen name of Elizabeth or Liz. I began living fulltime as Liz a couple of weeks ago so from now it would be appropriate that everyone use my chosen name Liz and my correct pronouns of she/her. If you make a mistake or accidentally slip up/forget then it really is OK, I understand mistakes happen. If however this is done spitefully or anger then my response will be far less accommodating.

As my family have discovered over the last 18months of my transition, that I am just the same person with the same essence I have always had. I have so far managed to quieten the war that has been raging inside me for the last 50+ years and over the next few years of my transition I intend to end it forever.

Liz"

It has been a very emotional few days with more to come I suspect

Liz

[jentay1367]

As usual...your eloquence and character are showing . Congratulations Liz!

[JeanetteLW]

Very Good Liz,

   I was moved to tears reading you letter. I'm proud of quickly you have moved along just in the short time I've known you.  (Is everything going to make tears run down my face now?) We talk about taking a step along our journey, well Liz you are running. Keep moving toward that goal of yours, girl.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[LizK]

Thankyou Jentay and Jeanette for your kind words of encouragement 

As many here could attest I have wanted to sprint flat out since September 2015 but the good sense of a few kind ladies and gents showed me the value in slowing down. But in this last sprint to the starting line I have not been able to hold back...once my hair began to look good and I dealt a bit more with my self acceptance beast there was nothing stopping me apart from an arbitrary date in April.

So here I am...

Liz

[Drexy/Drex]

Well done ☺

[LizK]

I guess when you think about going fulltime you are never going to think of everything. I had an appointment with my Specialist who deals with my chronic disease issues today(more about the appointment later) but I also have Electrolysis tomorrow. So I have to go with "4 days growth"...Most people would not be able to see if I even have any beard until they get up close and then it looks very very sparse but there is no mistaking it...Like in a lift, or stairwell, or when paying for parking, or in a queue for coffee...to be honest by the time I had the coffee I didn't care anymore. I did wear some light foundation and my new brown eyeliner(getting better) but that was about it as far as makeup...

Whiskers and makeup....Hmmmm...how much do I hate that....let me count the ways

Anyway I wasn't going to shave...I couldn't work out where I was going to have my injections tomorrow as it was because it is so sparse I may even have to draw on my face with eyeliner to ensure I get the right spots
Speaking of Eyeliner again

New Score
Eyeliner 2
Liz 1

As you can see I am improving...I at least got it on my eye lids and even in the approximate area it was meant to go. I do have to admit though when I start mucking around with this I find myself in a zone where time simply vanishes...

Nice start to my day...even after the whiskers issue I got the Dr and they have a new receptionist who looked up at me and smiled. I told her my Surname and the Dr I was seeing and she smiled again at me very warmly and leant in towards me conspiratorially and said quietly to me "How about we Just call you Elizabeth or would you prefer Liz"

Lovely...My Specialist was delightful with me being careful to use my name and correct pronouns...not stumbling....very at ease...he has been seeing me for 10+ years and has overseen my entire care so I know him really well. He did however impress upon me that he thought(for health reasons only) I should not be going out of Australia for my SRS surgery due to the potential complications that could occur with my implanted pump and the rest of my chronic illness...oh yeah and by the way that pump you have...gonna need to replace that sometime soon. That will be 17k thanks...just pay the cashier on the way out!!

Lucky for me the system doesn't work that way here in Australia. I may have to write a letter but the Specialist feels I have been at the clinic for 17 years so they will should fund the new one...but just to be on the safe side I should start that process rolling because if it alarms because it is in failure mode then it will signal every 4 seconds with a soft beep until it is removed...I have had it alarm before due to another reason and once heard that alarm can not be unheard...potentially it could take 2-3 weeks to organise a new one so if it alarmed I would have it beep at me every 4 seconds for 3 weeks...now doesn't that just sound like fun. LOL So best I get it sorted ASAP

Other than that a fairly quiet day

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Oh my Liz you did have one heck of a day. At least you are learning how to use eyeliner. It can be a challenge. I do okay on the upper lid having had quite a bit of practice. How are you on the waterlines? I'm not too bad but do need more practice. Why do women do these things?

I do hope getting the new pump does not turn out to be a chore but you best do it before the dreaded alarm rings.

My own alarm goes off about every 3 months and shut of when my oncologist tells me there is still no sign of my cancer on the CT scan. Knock on wood it never does. The anxiety always returns with each CT scan and lab tests. The only thing worse is hearing those horrible words say it has come back. Believe me it isn't fun.

  I am sure your chronic medical problems isn't any fun either.

Anyway What a day Liz but you have obviously survived it in fine form.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[davina61]

Big hugs you poor darlings, will stop me complaining about my dodgy ankle knee and back. Lets hope its all sorted soon Liz , I have yet to try mascara ,well had a go once and what a mess but then my lashes are very fine .

[LizK]

After the obligatory injection from my Dr I went up to see my Electrologist...two things I now know. She thinks my regrowth rate is about only 10% which she thinks is a huge win...

I grew my entire beard out for 5 days so I could get an assessment of how long to go to finished the entire first full clearance as she finished my neck today...3 hours...the next after that is all new and regrowth but only about 10% of my face...it won't be long before I can give up shaving altogether and be cleared one a week

Thanks to the replies about my crappy day. Most days my chronic illness is under control as long I rest, don't stress, watch what I eat and keep distracted. Been doing it for 17 years so am getting good at it.

Jeanette are you talking about a mental alarm or a physical alarm...mine is a physical sound... had it go off once for 4 days...that was incredibly annoying because it is one of the sounds that worms its way into your head...before 12 hrs was up I was sitting with a pillow across my stomach to try and shut it up...if you meant a mental alarm then I get it...that can't be ple4asant to have to continually deal with

Liz