The difference between having a preference and fetishising someone

[Lily3]

The difference between having a preference and fetishising someone.

I've started to think about this a lot lately..

A little bit of back story -
I'm a cis lesbian, and I have always been "gold star" with no male contact.
My partner is transgender (mtf) post op. We have been together for over a year now.
I immediately fell for her when we met and have never seen her as anything other than her.
We are both very feminine, hair and makeup and both love dresses.
(I don't "look like" a (butch/boi) lesbian, I look very typically like the girl next door average 25 yo)

As far as sex/ sexuality..
She identifies and pansexual and I identify as lesbian.

Quite a few months ago now we bought a strap on, and I used it on her and she wanted to try it on me too, she knew I was curious as I've never had that kind of motion/ sex before.
Right away I could see she was uncomfortable, she couldn't even look down at it, I didn't want to make her suffer
She had just gotten rid of her own after all.
She still went ahead and we did this for a minute or two until it popped out of the harness and that was the end.
I've never asked her to do that again because it was obvious how uncomfortable she was, and that's the last thing I want her to be. I'm more than happy to do that to her anyway.. I like being on top / in charge / pampering her.

However over the course of the year I've felt my desire for that kind of thing growing a lot.  To experience missionary "normal" penetrative sex and to be on the receiving end.

We are both extremely open about sex and things we want to try and we are both also involved in the BDSM scene.

I know my girlfriend wants to be with a guy, she is pansexual and me being a lesbian I didn't want men involved in our relationship at all, I had just come from a lesbian poly relationship and I really wanted stability and monogamy, so we have had a very monogamous relationship so far. But she has said it's something she wants.. Which hurt me a lot at first, but since the start of the year I've been feeling a little different, I think it's now a good time for us, and I think I would be okay if she wanted to sleep with a guy, I know she wants that validation of being with / accepted by a guy. And it's something I really want to give to her to make her happy. This weekend we are going to a fetish play party.. (She is attractive and a flirt and I know she could have almost anyone she wanted) so I think I want to help her find someone this weekend.

Back to my problem though..
At one of the fetish parties a few months ago we were making out on the bed and there was another couple on the sofa right next to us. A pre op trans woman and a girl, .. They were having penetrative sex.. I could hear it, see it..
And since then I feel like I'm getting a bit obsessed with it.. I want to experience that.

My girlfriend also has a friend visiting this weekend who is coming to the party too, a pre op trans woman.. I started to talk to her about a month ago online and we have gotten along really well.
If I get along with her on the weekend.. I think maybe I'd like to be sexual with her at the party. (I think my partner would be okay with this, but I still have to ask, she has the final say)
We have flirted a bit online and seem to get along.. But I haven't told her what I would like or am thinking because I don't know how I would feel on the night and don't want to get someone's hopes up and feel pressure to go through with anything, so I'm keeping it to myself. I'm secretly hoping she is bringing viagra.. (Since hormones mess with functionality)
Then I also have to deal with all my own concerns about loosing a type of "virginity" since I never have done it with male parts before..
I think she seems like the best person to do that with.. Especially since she is undergoing SRS next week.
So.. I kind of see it as a funny exchange, my first time for her last time, haha
But there are a number of things to consider this weekend and it all depends on if she wants to and if my partner is comfortable with it too.

Even if things don't go how I would like this weekend / or if I'm not attracted to her in person .. I still feel like I want to have sex with a pre op trans woman.. And hence my concern I'm fetishising trans women..
(I want to experience that kind of sex.. But I still identify as lesbian and am not attracted to men at all)

I don't believe I'm fetishising mtf transgender persons, because I'm still interested in the person as a person. Unlike idiot men who watch lesbian porn but don't believe in marriage equality etc.

But I am thinking about it a lot.. sex with pre op trans women..






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[Lily3]

Well we did it..
Or tried to.
I have more respect again for the ongoing problems trans women must face in regard to being sexually active.
Nerves and hormones certainly can make things difficult emotionally and physically.
But I'm so happy for the connection and trust we shared.

(My partner has previously told me of her struggles with being with women sexually pre op as they wanted her to have sex with them, when she wanted to feel feminine, so I've always tried to be very conscious of that)

I think we will continue to stay good friends having shared such an experience. And I'm so lucky to have a partner who is open to these experiences.

My original post.. And this whole topic was a bit strange.. I think I just needed to talk/vent to the Internet void.. To think things through.



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[Daniellekai]

I did read your original post, but didn't have anything of value to contribute, I'm mentioning it because I don't want you to have an impression of this place as being cold and unreceptive, lol. That said, it seems like you have a good head on your shoulders about it, we're all different though, so there really isn't any advice that's useful here.

[Floof]

You seem very loving and caring, I think thats wonderful. I expect your instinct with your partner is correct tho, with her discomfort using a strapon.. I've never been able to use my penis for penetrative sex, that is simply far too uncomfortable and distressing for me and its not unlikely she feels the same way.

As for fetishising someone.. I know I disliked very much when I learned my previous relationship was basically built on the fact that I was a pre-op trans woman.. He found me sexy for that reason, and basically pursued and 'wooed' me for it which I greatly disliked and broke it off when I found out. In my case I dont WANT to be a woman with a penis, and I find it endlessly uncomfortable to be in my current -hopefully soon to be remidied- situation. But there are certainly trans women who enjoy being a woman with a penis, and I think its totally fine to be attracted to or interested in those people.. Some girls still enjoy penetrative sex as they are waiting to aquire their prefered genitalia, and thats fine too! As long as both parties enjoy themselves its all good in my eyes.

I'm no BDSM person, but I otherwise hope to gain such an open and caring relationship as you seem to have. <3

[Lilly3]

Thank you Daniellekai
I did start to wonder, with no response to my first post.. If I had said way too much and made people uncomfortable.. I know I kind of just vented some things that were going on in my head.
I think I was looking for a little bit of discussion on what people felt was fetishising someone.. And if they had previously experienced that..
But really I already know the answer, as long as you treat people like people and are genuine and upfront, then you are doing the right thing.

Floof, I can understand why it would make her uncomfortable to put it on.
I've grown to like wearing it anyway..
But yes, I agree as long as everyone is comfortable and enjoying themselves no matter what body types, it's all good.

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Also.. Sorry I've had some problems with my log in so created a new account.
I use Tapatalk for the phone app.. And noticed my email was being displayed on my profile for Susans place.. I didn't like the idea of that so tried to change it to one of my more anonymous email addresses.. Trying to change my email prompted Susan's place to ask for my log in details, which then locked me out.. And when I tried to reset the password to my username it said it couldn't send an email to my email address because it had never been validated.. I never received an email from Susans place to validate my email.. Maybe that because I used Tapatalk to log in the first time.. Oops .. Anyway I got stuck in a loop of errors.. And had to create a new account.


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[HappyMoni]

Lilly,
To me you are describing consensual exploration. You are not hurting anyone. It sounds like you were honest with the person, you encouraged no false relationship hopes, so why worry? 
Monica