So today was a pretty good day. I was filming for a college cinema club short film in which I'm a main character (an activity, acting, which I have never done in such a capacity, so it was quite ambitious for me). I got home and did a little bit of homework, but something was tugging at me in the back of my mind. A few days ago, my mother was complaining about how she had bought this particular top and she liked how it looked but it doesn't fit her anymore so she might give it to my sister. I got a look at it and instantly fell in love with it. Tonight, I had a bit of time when my mother and siblings were out of the house and my father was asleep so I lost the ability to resist and I tried it on. I loved it. Wholeheartedly.
Everything about it made me happy. The material, the color, the pattern, the ornamentations...it just felt right. Looking down on it as I wore the top felt really good. Seeing my reflection in the mirror? Not so much.
One look in the mirror and I saw the boxier shoulders, the stubble that I let be for the filming, and I just...ugh. Dysphoria kind of knocked the wind out of me. I don't know what I was expecting, though. Every time I do this I end up looking in the mirror for Renée, only to find Brent. There were a few times recently when makeup helped me successfully find Renée. And those were some of the happiest moments I've had recently.
I don't quite know why I'm posting about this...I guess I'm sort of looking for emotional support?
Any assistance would be appreciated. :/
