I dressed really masculine yesterday and wore my hair and makeshift binder so that I could relatively easily pass....
I went to an outlet mall and had to go to the restroom.... an act that has always been filled with anxiety for me if I am not in a comfortable place that I know well, and if it is a public place still makes things hard....
So, on a whim, after looking at my reflection in a window, I made the decision to use the mens restroom.... literally as I was walking between the doors I chose to turn left instead of right.... Up until that point I had my normal tight chest, racing heart, quicker breathing thing going on..... Then I entered the room and it stopped..... I did my business, (luckily the stalls were clean) washed my hands and went back to the store my mom was shopping at.
It didn't even click to me that other people aren't anxious when they use public restrooms.....
I didn't say anything to my mom because she knows I am testing out the waters but I don't want to push things to far with her too fast. (even though she is so far okay with whatever will make me happiest)
I told my mister later and he just gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead and told me I was cute.... We then talked about experiences in restrooms, what things I have anxiety about that he doesn't (something we have had convos about before but in the sense of man v woman) and how he was proud of me for reacting to my whim and following through. While he is of course kind of overwhelmed by the changes going on in our lives, he is happy to see me happy and I am so glad that we are starting to have our old relationship back... the one we had when I wasn't over compensating for my feelings and all messed up from birth control....
I don't plan on doing it again anytime soon as I am not often out in long enough periods to go to the restroom, but I hope that this will help me to feel less abnormal in the future.
