Height/size dysphoria?

[ProbablyOliver]

Hey guys and gals and folks who identify otherwise!

So, I've had a really great couple of weeks. I've come out to a handful of my closest friends who have been unbelievably supportive, I've started looking for a therapist just to kind of make sure my head's in the right place with all of this and to work through some additional anxiety issues and stuff, FINALLY found pants that fit my damn hips - American Eagle stretch denim, bless you - and overall things are really good. Thinking of myself as a man and finding the masculinity in my appearance as it currently is has been incredible for my confidence and helped to severely cut back my self-loathing, which is great. I've been thinking a lot about hormones recently and while I'm not quite at the point of being ready for that step, I'm headed that way at speed and the only thing that really keeps tripping me up about it is size.

I'm very small - I believe the word most people use is "petite" but I don't care for it. I come in right around 5"1 and I have small feet and small hands and while I know there's not a whole lot I can do about these things, I really, really worry that it's going to make it impossible for me to pass as a dude even if I do hormones and top surgery and it really, really devastates me to think that even if I do transition and even if I do everything right, I might still just come across as not male. Do y'all have any advice for dealing with this stuff or, my shorter dudes, for not letting it bother you. I've been reminding myself that Wolverine is only 5"3 in canon and he's the quintessential man's man in many ways and that helps a little bit.

It's also probably worth noting that it's not the idea of being a short dude that bothers me, it's the fear that I don't or won't pass as a dude because I'm short, or because of other "feminine" traits that HRT won't affect, that's been tripping me up and making me question myself and feel really down. Kind of like a "well if I won't even pass anyway I guess I'm just stuck like this forever," sort of a feeling.

I would sincerely appreciate any suggestions!

- Oliver

[Daniellekai]

I'm near 6 ft tall and have to remind myself that there are tall women. I work with a guy about that height, he works out, and has that v shape, I don't see how anyone could possibly confuse him for a girl just because of his height.

Part of this affliction is either way we have to work harder to achieve our desired appearance, but we certainly can.

[Inarasarah]

I have to agree with Danielle on this one, as a 5' 15" trans woman, I constantly get the "do you play basketball" comment.  I just automatically answer "Yes, in my past", even though I didn't.  It is just easier.

I also have and know many guy friends who are about your height, some are trans men.  I can tell you that once the T kicks in, you will have no problem passing.  At least based on the folks I have known through the years

[Denise]

My nephew is 5' 2"and no one thinks twice about it.  One thing he does is work out his upper body.  He has the most amazing arms that you could get yourself with a little work.  I think you will be okay.

Here is a 'far out' option.  Move to a prominently Asian country.  Asians, on the whole, are shorter.

[Dena]

I have no doubt that T will push you over the line to masculine. The one issue you might have is appearing as a teenage boy but that should pass with time as well. We didn't have many FTMs in my therapy group but it was shocking to see how effective T was in a short period of time.

[Gertrude]

Hey guys and gals and folks who identify otherwise!

So, I've had a really great couple of weeks. I've come out to a handful of my closest friends who have been unbelievably supportive, I've started looking for a therapist just to kind of make sure my head's in the right place with all of this and to work through some additional anxiety issues and stuff, FINALLY found pants that fit my damn hips - American Eagle stretch denim, bless you - and overall things are really good. Thinking of myself as a man and finding the masculinity in my appearance as it currently is has been incredible for my confidence and helped to severely cut back my self-loathing, which is great. I've been thinking a lot about hormones recently and while I'm not quite at the point of being ready for that step, I'm headed that way at speed and the only thing that really keeps tripping me up about it is size.

I'm very small - I believe the word most people use is "petite" but I don't care for it. I come in right around 5"1 and I have small feet and small hands and while I know there's not a whole lot I can do about these things, I really, really worry that it's going to make it impossible for me to pass as a dude even if I do hormones and top surgery and it really, really devastates me to think that even if I do transition and even if I do everything right, I might still just come across as not male. Do y'all have any advice for dealing with this stuff or, my shorter dudes, for not letting it bother you. I've been reminding myself that Wolverine is only 5"3 in canon and he's the quintessential man's man in many ways and that helps a little bit.

It's also probably worth noting that it's not the idea of being a short dude that bothers me, it's the fear that I don't or won't pass as a dude because I'm short, or because of other "feminine" traits that HRT won't affect, that's been tripping me up and making me question myself and feel really down. Kind of like a "well if I won't even pass anyway I guess I'm just stuck like this forever," sort of a feeling.

I would sincerely appreciate any suggestions!

- Oliver

Well, I have the opposite problem, being 6'5 and not small/thin. I'll probably never pass, but in the end, should I care what others think? I believe that if we are true to ourselves, that's enough. I'll tell you something else: my paternal grandfather was 5'1. I think you'll be just fine.


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[ProbablyOliver]

Thank you all so incredibly much for the truly excellent feedback! I feel a lot better after reading all of this - it's especially comforting to know that there are other people in similar situations to mine struggling with height/not matching an idealized set of measurements. I mean, I know it's something that all people struggle with, it just feels especially important since on the surface it seems so able to make or break the sense of identity that makes me feel right.

It's also really comforting to know that there are other guys out there who are down in my height range. I don't know many guys as short as me, even though the ones I do know aren't outrageously tall either for the most part, and it's really good to hear that y'all have seen men of that height or known of them and not batted an eye.

Here is a 'far out' option.  Move to a prominently Asian country.  Asians, on the whole, are shorter.

That could be a super fun adventure!! Hahaha.

I'm definitely hopeful that taking T will help solve some of the other body image issues that I have, even though I'm really nervous just thinking about it - which is some internalized stuff that I'm going to try and work through before I get to that step, but that's sort of a whole other conversation, haha.

Thank you all so much, again! I really appreciate it and I feel a lot better.

- Oliver

[Kylo]

Most of the guys on my mother's side are shorter than I am. They never had issues because of height, I just look at that and remind myself it's not height that's crucial to passing, it's other things, like the voice.

[J2J]

My height is one of the main reasons why I seriously doubt that I would feel comfortable starting my transition (MtF), especially in the earlier more awkward stages when you're still letting the effects of HRT happen and then trying to find your style etc.

I'm 6ft and although I do see 6ft+ ladies around I feel like people would notice me more thus there being a HUGE amount of pressure to pass.

[Gertrude]

My height is one of the main reasons why I seriously doubt that I would feel comfortable starting my transition (MtF), especially in the earlier more awkward stages when you're still letting the effects of HRT happen and then trying to find your style etc.

I'm 6ft and although I do see 6ft+ ladies around I feel like people would notice me more thus there being a HUGE amount of pressure to pass.

I'm tall too and I think that if I got thin(ner), it would help, but the bigger problem is finding clothes. My measurements don't jibe with female sizing in terms of proportions. Knee length dress for me is 47" and my torso is longer and the torso to leg ratio is different such that if I find something that fits, the waistline is too high. The only place I have found that sells clothes that can be ordered to size is eShakti. I have yet to buy, but maybe someone here can give advice for the "big girls".


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[Elis]

I see plenty of guys in public my height or shorter; so it doesn't really bother me as much as it used too. To help with confidence dressing well always helps (this may help http://ftmguide.rassaku.net/ ) as well as getting your haircut (I don't think the hair advice on that website is any good btw to achieve the best passing ability) and getting trainers with a bit of a lift.

I've also been to an ftm group a few times and the guys there who've been on T definitely look male. You couldn't tell they were trans because of their height or foot and hand size; because cis men call also have the same proportions. It was helpful for me to meet other trans men; happy living their lives. Not saying T will get rid of all your insecurities but it's definitely a huge help.

When it came down to whether I wanted T I realised I'd rather be an ugly awkward looking person who was correctly gendered rather than seen as a woman.

[Cindy]

Can I pitch in? I'm about 175cm - 5'7''? Shrunk a bit on HRT and age. I personally know and meet with a number of transmen and there has never been an issue in public, I might get looked at, probably because I'm gorgeous, but the men pass readily.

But.. I went to an Art exhibition recently (a passion of mine) I was alone and the security guard was small.  5 foot? Lovely beard, charming man, he guided me to the exhibit and we had a nice chat, I have no idea if he was trans or not (it isn't something I think about) he was just a nice man.

There is an old saying that should be resurrected. "Manners make the man" in this case it certainly did, I was a bit sad he didn't ask me for a date but he was a lot younger than this cougar.

So I wouldn't worry about your height if your heart is in the right place.