Mental body image vs reality.

[staciM]

For those of you in the midst of transitioning or possibly have been doing it for several years, how has your body image changed and are you or have you had difficulty getting "into" the new one?

I feel I have three body images to consider.

1.  Current reality
2.  Historic physical body image "imprint"
3. "My" Ideal female image

I'm discussing the disconnect between 1 and 2.

Let me clarify. 

I'm considered a later in life transitioner at 43yo, compared to what is "ideal".  I've lived these years with a female mind but half a life in a male body nonetheless.  Even though my mind is female, I have a male body image because that's what physically I've lived in.  For most of my mature adult life I've been a pretty tall (186cm) and muscular man, so that's the image in my head i have to contend with.  With several months of diet and exercise, plus a month of HRT I've slimmed down considerably compared to what i was.  Woman's XL were required for years and now I swim in them....Medium is more my reality.  However, when I think of myself I still see in my mind the large framed figure and it really gets in the way of my confidence.....which brings doubts of a successful transition.

Has anyone experienced something similar and how did you deal with it?

[Rambler]

I'm only just about to start on HRT, but I've had a similar experience. I've always focused on things like my voice, shoulders, jawline, and other features that have stood out as masculine and seen them as roadblocks to potential transition, but when my doctor, therapist, aesthetician, voice coach, etc are all telling me differently, at some point I had to accept that I've created an overly masculinized imagine of myself that just isn't realistic.

[Rachel_Christina]

I have similar mental images of myself, and distinguishing between how I think I look and how I actually look is very hard. People often complement me that know about me about how feminine I look how I can pass easy, or my pics on Instagram or even here people complement me quite often.
But when I look in the mirror which I feel is the real image of me i think I'm really ugly, I pic myself apart all the time. It's probably the worst part its like I feel like a little dainty girl, which may be the reality (i hope) but when I look in the mirror i see myself so masculine. Like i know it's how i am mentally perceiving myself so I may be wrong. But I believe when I look in the mirror that big ugly sod is the reality :/
Being trans is so damn hard.

[Kylo]

I tended to have almost no image of myself, it's as if I barely saw myself in a mirror for 20 years, or looked right through the reflection.

It's only now with transition I'm forced to look at it.

I'm not actually dealing with it at this point - I'm just taking the gear and letting it do its work and we'll see what we'll see. I can always go back to looking right through myself I suppose, if the result is very strange.

There is an ideal... but I rather don't want to hope for it. In some areas I am lucky - muscle is something I can gain and keep without much effort, always... quite masculine frame because of my shoulders. My voice is getting quite deep etc. However I'm aware of how blinded I can be about certain things and don't want to be unaware of the reality.

[LizK]

I am coming up to a year on HRT and have found for myself that I still see the "Man in the mirror" mainly when I am feeling my worst ...I know I appear much more feminie that I ever have and some people suggest that I pass...I didn't think that when I walked into a public office yesterday and it felt like 60 pairs of eyes swivelled in unison to look at me...imagine something from the twilight zone... From Behind I am difficult to pick and I no longer get sir'd but I don't get mam'd either...I mentioned in another post today that yesterday for the first time in my life I didn't mind the face that was staring back at me...yesterday I saw Liz in the mirror without any makeup or props...So I guess time will help and going full time has made me acutely more aware of my shortcomings but also highlighted what strengths I have to play to. I can see her on a more regular basis now and the more I am "her" the more I see "her", the easier it is to be "her"... I hope that makes sense

Liz

[audreytn]

mine are height, shoulder broadness, hands and feet. nothing I can do about these at all. I must accept them for what they are and live with them.

everything else has either feminized naturally or is overcomable with surgery.

FFS will take care of the face
voice surgery will correct the voice
body contouring will take care of hips and buttocks

eventually dental implants will give me the nicely pearly whites and a gorgeous smile I desire.

I already learned posture, sitting, walking and talking. struggling with makeup, hair and fashion, but getting there. believe it or not these go a long ways.

[StillAnonymous]

I mostly look in the mirror and see the same thing although my hair is longer and I weigh less than before, but people seem to see it even though I've said nothing  I think it's just something that is difficult for us to overlook as the transition is a long road with gentle baby steps along the way... we've been seeing our reflection for our entire life, and so it's hard to see these small steps.

[femfem]

For those of you in the midst of transitioning or possibly have been doing it for several years, how has your body image changed and are you or have you had difficulty getting "into" the new one?

I feel I have three body images to consider.

1.  Current reality
2.  Historic physical body image "imprint"
3. "My" Ideal female image

I'm discussing the disconnect between 1 and 2.

Let me clarify. 

I'm considered a later in life transitioner at 43yo, compared to what is "ideal".  I've lived these years with a female mind but half a life in a male body nonetheless.  Even though my mind is female, I have a male body image because that's what physically I've lived in.  For most of my mature adult life I've been a pretty tall (186cm) and muscular man, so that's the image in my head i have to contend with.  With several months of diet and exercise, plus a month of HRT I've slimmed down considerably compared to what i was.  Woman's XL were required for years and now I swim in them....Medium is more my reality.  However, when I think of myself I still see in my mind the large framed figure and it really gets in the way of my confidence.....which brings doubts of a successful transition.

Has anyone experienced something similar and how did you deal with it?

I can relate!!!! I've mentioned that pre-transition I had a fitness model physique, and that I routinely did push-ups (800+/night, in sets of 25), to make myself as toned as humanly possible.  This was a direct result of having been bullied for years about my small size for a guy---and it actually made me quite big for my frame (~170 lbs.).  I was like that for maybe three years.

Now, literally every single day, I will look at my biceps (like if I'm reaching down to scratch an itch on my foot or something) and see the "massive" arm right in front of me---the same arm that I was constantly trying to make bigger for years---and think, "Ewwww.....it's every bit as muscular as it used to be. God, I hate my body, and the vein doesn't make things any better."

But, then I see myself in the mirror---and I even flex that same arm in front of the mirror---and I realize how clueless I am emotionally to how small I've gotten.  To my own two eyes. it looks like the same 14-inch bicep, but then I catch sight of it unexpectedly and realize it's not big at all.  My body image perception is really, really out of whack because I look so starkly different from how I did pre-transition.  Hopefully you'll be able to report the same thing, minus the obvious body image issues!!!

K.C.

[Kitty June]

I had this discussion with my partner tonight. When I look in the mirror I still see this ugly guy. Yet, I've been getting mammed much more, at least until I speak.
I can't stop seeing the dude and I hope that will stop soon.

[The Flying Lemur]

One of my excuses for not transitioning for so long is that I'd be a ridiculous-looking guy.  I'm quite short, tend toward very rounded chubbiness, and have enough breast tissue for three women.  Believe me, ladies, if I could donate, I'd make a few of you very happy.  In my head, I had this idealized male image and I thought that if I couldn't match it, I should just give up and live as a woman. I think middle age has helped me in this regard . . . I'm not going to be conventionally "hot" no matter what gender I appear to be, and I no longer care.

Since I've made a few changes in my appearance, I find I often see a guy in the mirror.  Now, I am one ugly dude.  But so what?  I'd rather be an ugly man than an average woman.  I may have a bit of an advantage in that as a male-identified person, I'm not expected to care about my appearance as much.  Ugly is okay.  Misshapen is not ideal, but it's tolerable, at least in the short term.  I won't claim that I'm in love with my looks, but since I've stopped looking for a woman in the mirror and started looking for a man, I'm much happier with my appearance.     

[JoanneB]

My "Historical" body image is one of a 6ft tall, almost as much around, 4-eyed, stuttering and starting to bald. It goes back to early childhood, except the 6ft part. In the Land of Kiddom, this also means being a major target. So that image is pretty well imprinted. Though I lost a good 100 lbs I still have a lot of problem areas a lots of loose flabby skin, even though I've been in the 140-150 lb range for about 40 years.

The currently reality is for about 6 years now I finally gained a body I could enjoy living in thanks to HRT and a lot of working on myself from the inside. When I am out in the real world presenting as the real me and occasionally catch a tad too long look my way I think to myself that they are thinking exactly what I thought taking that last look in the mirror before leaving the house; "Not bad looking for an old bag". Most days, though I do live & work presenting primarily as male, I see Joanne looking back at me in the mirror.

I know it's a very dark time when I see "The sad old man"

My "Ideal" (showing my age for sure) female image going beyond just looks but the person also, would have to be Myrna Loy as Nora Charles in "The Thin Man" series of movies. For straight looks, being partial to red hair,then it is Ginger from Gilligan's Island for sure. In both cases a BIG stretch for this formerly 6ft tall big boned bald behemoth.

[KatieByrne]

So my current body is more female than male but i still have massive hang-ups about some features obviously. I pass for the most part but whenever i do get 'made' it plays on my mind massively for a long time afterwards...

It's been 7 years since i started to transition but yeah i'd say for probably 3-4 years of that i still had an extremely conscious internalized image of myself that gave me incredibly low self esteem. There are still some features that i hate but since getting Voice Surgery and Breast Augmentation i'm much more confident in myself. the features that cannot be changed i just have to accept and move on with life.

regarding the 'ideal' image thing. Well something i said recently in a youtube video kind of works for this too i think. I was responding to the criticism trans-women often get that "you'll always have some masculine features". And yes that's true to varying degrees with any of us. But the goal of the exercise is not to become perfect, the goal is to be happy. And i think it's important to keep that in mind no matter what age you are or how far into your transition you are. 

[Kylo]

One of my excuses for not transitioning for so long is that I'd be a ridiculous-looking guy.  I'm quite short, tend toward very rounded chubbiness, and have enough breast tissue for three women.  Believe me, ladies, if I could donate, I'd make a few of you very happy.  In my head, I had this idealized male image and I thought that if I couldn't match it, I should just give up and live as a woman. I think middle age has helped me in this regard . . . I'm not going to be conventionally "hot" no matter what gender I appear to be, and I no longer care.

Since I've made a few changes in my appearance, I find I often see a guy in the mirror.  Now, I am one ugly dude.  But so what?  I'd rather be an ugly man than an average woman.  I may have a bit of an advantage in that as a male-identified person, I'm not expected to care about my appearance as much.  Ugly is okay.  Misshapen is not ideal, but it's tolerable, at least in the short term.  I won't claim that I'm in love with my looks, but since I've stopped looking for a woman in the mirror and started looking for a man, I'm much happier with my appearance.   

I guess it could be just as miserable (maybe more so) if you were an incredibly attractive woman who is male within - you'd probably get tons of comments during or after transition like some guys do who just happen to have long eyelashes or "pretty boy" faces. They get all sorts of judgement, whereas the less attractive dudes are generally just accepted as men, no questions asked.

Unfortunately I have a "cute" sort of face, so I'm just gonna grow a beard ASAP. Hopefully that will get rid of most of the "cuteness". Males are rather lucky to have the option of facial hair which creates a whole different look if they want one. Can easily 'remedy' a weak chin, or immediately adds more masculinity to the appearance etc. Now I look back on the idea of not being able to grow any as quite boring and restrictive.

[Zquence]

I tended to have almost no image of myself, it's as if I barely saw myself in a mirror for 20 years, or looked right through the reflection.

It's only now with transition I'm forced to look at it.

I'm not actually dealing with it at this point - I'm just taking the gear and letting it do its work and we'll see what we'll see. I can always go back to looking right through myself I suppose, if the result is very strange.

There is an ideal... but I rather don't want to hope for it. In some areas I am lucky - muscle is something I can gain and keep without much effort, always... quite masculine frame because of my shoulders. My voice is getting quite deep etc. However I'm aware of how blinded I can be about certain things and don't want to be unaware of the reality.

I understand I never had a mental body image of myself I only look at a mirror long enough to do my hair, when I think of myself I can't picture anything.

I am about 6ft tall but i don't have any real masculine or feminine feature I've been told I could pass as either, besides my hands and feet I think, i have small palms but long fingers my sister who is barely 5ft tall has about the same palm size I do but the longer fingers gives off the impression of bigger hands. I don't know what shoe size a 6ft woman typically has

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[Katya]

for most of my adult life I simply did not look in the mirror, and that worked except that eventually it is inevitable to catch a glimpse and when it happens after not looking for a very long time it is all the more disconcerting a shock to see the old man.  Since starting hormones a few months ago and beginning to grow my hair out this has changed dramatically.  At first it took courage, and then gradually I came to the conclusion that "hey ... she looks ok" and this is continuing to become more comfy.  The thing that I find gives me the best boost is just the peripheral vision, not consciously looking down but just being aware of the redistribution.  As one wise friend has told me a bunch of times, its all about how you carry yourself.  So I pull my posture up and feel "statuesque" and that does wonders for my self image.  The other thing I noticed as that doing "cheek lifts" to pull my face up a bit has the wonderful side effect of making me smile like a loony which makes me feel more like smiling.   

[Pisces228]

I have a long history  (15 years) of eating disorders plus gender dysphoria, so my body image is pretty messed up.  I can see that I need bigger pants and smaller shirts  (go fat redistribution and muscle loss) but I just don't see it in the mirror.  Clothes and tape measures don't lie but I still see a man.  I get gendered correctly by strangers about 90 percent of the time but I still feel like I look so manly.  I think many of us have had such terrible views of our bodies through dysphoria that we genuinely have to learn to see ourselves differently. 

[Michelle_P]

Our brains maintain a body image of ourselves built up over a long time.  Our bodies do not normally change rapidly, so a body image in the brain that changes slowly doesn't normally matter.  The body image will slowly update over time, but it does take time.

I've been on HRT a year and in RLE coming up on 8 months, and the image is only now starting to update.  Patience, always patience...

[SadieBlake]

My body image has been very much made tolerable for 20 years by cross dressing privately.

I know beyond certainty that I can never craft a willowy size 2 from my 5'11" and muscular frame. Wearing pretty things however, has always bridged the gap to a more tolerable self assessment.

Today I put on a Teddy. Of all the feminine underthings I've owned that's the one that was always the most disappointing ... I don't even know why, that's just how it was. Today I looked at myself in a full length mirror (something I avoided pre-op) and just loved what I saw. The line is fine and I'm still not a size 2 but it just looked and felt so infinitely better.