ive been thinking about whether i should or shouldnt for months now and i cant come to a conclusion (and im running out of time too because i havent got a long way to go before puberty finishes). this might seem weird because usually the wish to adapt to ones desired gender should be strong enough for one to not have any doubts right? im a 15 year old boy at the moment and i do prefer living as a girl. thats for sure. but i could cope with living as a boy without many problems but living as a girl would simply much better. the thing is that it comes with just so many downsides (not because of being a girl but because of the transition).
id like to have my own and my partners biological children one day. i want them to be a part of me and him so to say and carry on my and his genes. if i transition then this would obviously no longer be possible (except id freeze my semen and later on chose to live with a female partner which i dont intend to do).
id have to do a lot of voice training to even get near a female sounding voice, id have to learn how to use makeup properly, how to properly dress as a girl, undergo hrt and surgery (which comes with partly permanent sideffects), i might have some social problems because of being trans (losing friends, receiving some weird looks in public maybe etc) and in the end i might end up still looking masculine and everybody might see at first glance that i once was a boy (which i wouldnt be content with either because i want to look like a girl, not something between male and female).
if i dont look actually feminine in the end then that would be the worst case scenario. i value my social life VERY much and if id look like something between male and female then id obviously have a lot of problems with living a normal life. i would never consider suicide if i remained a guy but i would if this happened.
its so difficult to describe my current situation....i hope you can somewhat understand me. i really need some advice on this because 1. the longer i wait the worse the results are going to be and 2. depending on whether i do transition or not i will choose different subjects for my A-levels (in germany you need to basically make your own schedule following some rules and especially in sports, project work and scientific work this will have a big impact for me) and i need to choose those in just 2 weeks. so by then it would be best if i came up with an answer.
