I have a harder time accepting myself as a gay woman than I did as a transwoman.

[CatBlack]

I've been struggling with it. I really, really don't want to be gay. I feel like there's some terrible irony in the fact that I'm a transwoman struggling with being gay, because I was expected to like women at birth (albeit I was still uncomfortable about it passing as a boy) It's awful. Every time I feel attracted to someone it feels like a betrayal.. like we're meant to be platonic and just friends and I'm crossing a line and I get really screwed up with guilt whenever I kiss someone. Most women get enough unwanted attention from men, I don't want to contribute to that at all and it kills me. I don't want this to create a barrier between forming/keeping lose friendships with straight women. Literally crying now.
Has anyone else struggled with being gay in the gender they identify with as a trans person?

[Lilly3]

Uhm.. I'm not sure if I can help at all or if this might make you feel more okay with being attracted to women.

I'm a cis lesbian.. I met my partner through a mutual friend when we all went out to a club. I was completely attracted to her right away. She is (MtF).

My very first interactions with her felt quite strange/ different to me. She had very feminine energy and I felt completely comfortable being around her, however I had never experienced being with someone who was so much taller than me or had bigger hands than me. Since I had never interacted with men before. It was a very different experience at first mostly due to the size (but I don't even think of that now). As far as her energy went.. I always saw her and felt her as female, I never questioned that. She is pansexual but mostly attracted to women, and I am very much a lesbian.

If you are with a woman who is wanting to kiss you.. Then she is wanting to kiss you. Don't over think it. Bisexual girls and lesbian girls can still be attracted to MtF persons. I understand your desire for sisterhood.. But, well, me and my partner go shopping together, get our nails done, go to theme parks, dates.. All of the above .. It's sisterhood and a relationship all in one.


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[CatBlack]

It does help! Yeah I guess a huge thing was me being afraid that this could wind up making straight women feel awkward around me as friends. Usually I just sort of deal with it but I've been looking for apartments lately and it made a comeback when I realized that it's going to be hard for me to live with dudes and that I might make straight ciswomen uncomfortable in an apartment with just them.

[Kylo]

I don't struggle with it.

If they make the first move you know its not anything you've done.

It goes for anybody of any sex, if attraction is there and/or you've crossed the 'line' of being just friends, it comes with its own problems and awkward situations. You can always decide not to pay attention to your desires and not act on them. They are just hormone induced thoughts after all, you don't have to be at their whim.

[2.B.Dana]

I don't want to hijack this thread but I have been trying to wrap my head around similar thoughts. I guess my situation is little if any traction to anybody at the moment. For the last 4+ years my wife and I have only been intimate a couple times. After I came out I she said it was because I had gotten so feminine in my actions she didn't see me as manly in bed. Wish I had known that, would have moved things along I guess.
With lack of intimacy I focused on myself. I was on very high testosterone treatments which created a high sex drive but also major breast growth due to previous gynecomastia. Along the way I began to experience female type orgasms and that kind of changed everything. I had always been very anal penetration focused and add in large breasts (40G) that are super sensitive and my suppressed female side came roaring in like a speeding train. Last October I drew the line in the sand and ended testosterone after two years, ended interaction with myself as a man and fully embraced my female side.  After a few therapy sessions I came out to my wife as transgender and one of her first questions was if I was attracted to men or women. I do not want to end my marriage and am fully willing to engage in pleasure with her but really am not hot after her or any other women for that matter. She is 65 and has chronic health issues and really isn't looking for "action" so the conversation has never really gone anywhere. We have discussed that she is firmly straight and really doesn't look to be in a lesbian relationship. I guess I still have trouble seeing myself as a woman because my male body carries me everywhere so thinking myself a lesbian seems a stretch. She is my life partner and I am attracted to her but just haven't made the connection to being lesbian in relation to other women??
I will begin HRT in the next few weeks as I am waiting on receipt of the letter from my therapist but then there are the guy thoughts. While outwardly I would consider myself a homophobe, inside I have had sexual attraction for a long time. I have zero desire for an emotional connection to a man but could seriously handle a sexual liaison with one. Am I nuts?? Personally I think that may even increase once I am on HRT but who knows. If I am able to keep my marriage in tact I highly doubt I would ever act on these feelings but they do exist.
My wife has asked how we would "be" in the future, if we would be able to see others socially but remain married. That shocked and intrigued me as well. We are moving to a new home this summer and will have separate bedrooms and begin expending our solo lives a bit. We intend to "share" a home and continue to raise our 13 year old together as she is the last at home. Neither of us wants to be old, broke and alone and we can have much more financial freedom together than apart.
Whether she can handle the physical changes that HRT will bring I am not sure. I do believe I will end up full time at some point but when I am not sure. Lots of conflicting feelings and would appreciate hearing from others if they have struggled with any of this along the way.

[Lilly3]

I have heard fairly often from my transgender friends that they have experienced an increased attraction to men during transition once starting HRT.
Often not a desire to have a relationship with a man.. But just for sex.
... This could be for a number of reasons, the hormones changing your body or just some new mental freedom or acceptance and wanting to experiment, it could also stem from a desire for validation from men.
(I've had this conversation a few times.. Probably since I'm I'm a lesbian and they were experiencing changing sexuality)


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[Lilly3]

Many of the girls have always been in relationships with women growing up and been the whole "straight male" until transition.
Majority of my friends seem to identify as pansexual or bisexual but mostly desire long term relationships with women but enjoy experiencing sex with men.

That's not true for everyone though, I also have some trans friends who are strictly lesbian(MtF) and even a gay friend (FtM) and also I know some trans girls who are straight and just want relationships with men.

Sexuality varies from person to person, and I guess it even changes and evolves with time.


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[CatBlack]

I'm pan/poly so for me.. I can date both. But I can't be exclusive with anyone really. A triad would be perfect for me tbh.
But I am much, much more attracted to women than to men, for a man to be attractive to me there can't be a hint of misogyny, boorish behavior or entitlement there.

The validation thing is definitely true. When a straight guy thinks I'm attractive I tend to feel like I'm doing something right. I'm kind of a low-femme and am really, really careful not to drift into butch territory, guys wanting to bang me is usually a good sign that I'm managing to avoid that. lmao But there's a lot more, I just.. kind of like when guys hold me, I get butterflies from them hella bad. But I never seek out a guy, like the crushes I've had are usually a result of a guy pursuing me unless I'm totally floored by his charm upon meeting him, rare but it's happened before.

I've dated other women my whole life but every now and then some shame/guilt bubbles up. It's stupid really. Sometimes it just gets to me and I need to hear from other people that it's totally fine. ha.