Crossdressing husband

[Rhea41]

My husband just let me know about his crossdressing about a month that ago.  We are freaky in the bedroom and have always had a great sex life, I thought. I've been very supportive, have taken him shopping and brought things home to surprise him.  I've done his makeup 5 times now. He told me about being with another male 2 nights in October. He says he's not gay and he doesn't want to do this w/o me. He wants us to be  "owned". My concerns are what is my role In this relationship. He said he wants me to dominate him but yet he always takes over pleasing himself. The last 2 times I felt like I wasn't in the bedroom with him at all. We were both dressed in lingerie, he took well over 200 pics of himself and not one of me. I feel like he's obsessed with his woman self. I offered to let him have free time , but he got made and says he just won't do it w/o me. I know he will though,  he already has. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I have no one to talk to about this,so glad I found this site!

[2.B.Dana]

Rhea41,

I can't begin to offer you advice but I did want to reply and tell you that by what you described and your willingness to seek out advice, you are an amazing woman!

I came out as transgender to my wife 30 days ago. We shared that news with a couple others at the time. I received a response from a friend who shared that he had gender issues as well his whole life.

This also may be an extended time of not believing or trusting promises. My wife and I have a moratorium on them right now as things are welling up in me that I never thought would come up. As your husband expands his activities its likely to lead to more, and go beyond things he had said he would "never" do in the past. He is negotiating within himself because he is dealing with things internally he himself has never wanted to admit to himself let alone you.

I can't even begin to say what your view in this should be because each of us is entitled to our response and that response is valid and should be respected. The situations can develop like the old story of cooking a frog one degree at a time. At one point hot water begins to boil and before you know it your cooked. As a woman you have an internal relationship guide he will never understand. Trust yourself!

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Rhea,

  I was a life long crossdreser until I recently chose to do HRT. I cannot begin to comment on your bedroom escapes as I have no experience with those specific aspects. I do not condemn though. I simply do not know.

  As for his insistence that you be a part of his dressing, I believe he is trying to validate his dressing as part of the bedroom play. By making you part of his crossdressing he is justifying doing it to himself, "after all it is only bedroom play" I can tell you from personal experience we crossdressers are very good at lying to ourselves and everyone around us when it comes to justifying it in our minds.

Jeanette

[Rhea41]

Thank you both for replying and for your honesty. I know it's as new and different for him as it is for me . It has helped me tremendously already just to have someone to ask and to tell! Evidently God already thinks I'm some kind of gladiator,  so I will get through this. I just want to try not to be jealous and ruin everything!

[BirlPower]

Hi Rhea,

There is a good chance that as the novelty wears off it will simmer down and his enthusiasm with himself will diminish to something less intense and selfish. That's how it was for me anyway. I thought it was a fetish initially but I soon discovered I wanted to be dressed whether I was aroused or not and the arousal from dressing faded away.

You should talk to him about feeling neglected. If he can't do it without you then he needs to make you happy too so that you stay. You are a star for your reaction to his dressing. Many here will be jealous as our wives were much more challenged. He has to understand how lucky he is and he needs to take care of you as well as himself.

It would be helpful if he could find his way here. I thought I dressed for sexual pleasure until I found this place. Reading the stories of others rang a lot of bells. He may learn a lot about himself if he reads these forums for a while.

Good luck and hugs
B

[Rhea41]

Thank you soooo much!  It's releivig to hear how it is for others. Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint and not sexually aggressive but I get way into it within a few minutes! I know I can be a hateful B when  I feel neglected or "competed with! ".  That's another issue for me, I'm afraid if we have 1 other M, I will be left out. MyMMR self esteem is not that low, he's just such a DIVA! It is hard to grasp. I very knowledgeable on DIVAS. I have 20y/o  daughter whose a make up artist and a lesbian and dated inter racial. I'm an open person, but it's hard to give advice or discuss it w/ urself.  Thanks!

[barbie]

I remember that my wife did not care whatever I wore when I was younger.  Sometimes I wore high heels she purchased for me. Yes. I tend to be narcissistic. Certainly your husband keeps a big mirror in the room. I also have it in my room. I think there is no stereotype in conjugal relations. Some women admire me, and some of them seem to be particularly interested in my genital thing. Yes. I sometimes dream that I am a biological woman, having vulva, being subordinate to a unknown man. But in reality, I am a biological man.

I do not think his enthusiasm will disappear soon. I guess he will explore further. Any couple can find new common stimulants while their sexual preferences change. And dialogue is always important.

barbie~~

[Jin]

When Eve needs to show her dominance, she puts me in a chastity device. She will only remove it when I am bound and she will bath and shave me and right back locked up. If I am very good orally, she may also use her vibrator on me. After a few days, I am willing to do anything she wants. these sessions often last a month.

Worth a try?

[Jacqueline]

Rhea,

Welcome to the site. Sorry this is so late getting to you. I am also sorry your situation has gotten so uncomfortable. It does sound like he is being a little neglectful. Perhaps you could try some couples therapy.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Lyric]

Well, Rhea, this site is mainly about transgender people and, while it includes "crossdressers", what you're describing seems to be more related to the S & M sexual subculture, which isn't covered here much. There are plenty of forums online about, though. It would seem this is all entirely about your husband's sexual interests. In order for you two to maintain a healthy relationship for the long term, though, there needs to be as much attention you own sexual needs as to his. To me it seems a bit inconsiderate of him that he's bringing you into this without entirely understanding you own sexual needs.

Sooner or later you are going to have to realize what you want and don't want sexually for yourself. If it's compatible with your husband's emerging S & M thing, fine, otherwise, you two may have to make a big change. I can safely say that only a minority of people get into that sort of thing over the long term. A visit to a marital therapist would be pretty helpful at this point.