Nonverbal hints

[November Fox]

Hi guys.

I was just discussing this on Facebook with some transmen and I´d like to know what you think.

Before I came out, I was member of a flying community. So they knew me as my deadname and other gender.
I quit flying for a while due to the stress of transition and other problems at the time, but I did email the entire community about my life change and my new name.

I´ve since rejoined the community and most are really cool with it. Almost all members are men. However on the first day of the season, one of the other members sort of brushed by me and while doing so, he caressed my hip the way that you would caress a woman´s hip (generally speaking).

I know for a fact that this guy would never touch another man like that, and so this feels humiliating. However I did not say anything because it only lasted for about a second and I was too surprised about it to react in time. However if I went back in time I´d like to back away immediately. I don´t want other men to treat me like that.

Now I´m not sure what to do about this guy. I could ask him not to touch me in the future, but it will seem kind of out of context, since it was a one-second situation.

[Kylo]

I couldn't really advise well on this. It's happened to me in several situations and my first reaction is aggression.

I know how you feel, I can't stand other guys doing this - or in fact anyone doing this - unless I'm on very good terms with them. Even then I'd think it odd to be touched by someone unless they were my significant other.

Brushing by with an elbow or an ass is one thing, but you definitely don't accidentally caress someone's body with your hand as you pass, if that's what he was doing. If it happens again you KNOW it was deliberate and then I'd bite his head off. As a rule men who don't know each other usually don't like touching each other too much and I bet he was aware of doing it because guys are all too aware of not putting their hands on other guys' hips just to get past.

I'm weird about touching. I don't like to be touched unexpectedly by anyone, and I got a hell of a flinch reflex for it. It would definitely grind my gears unless I was sure it was an accident. . .

[WolfNightV4X1]

Maybe just brush it off, if it happens again let him know on the spot you dont like that.

If he was a decent guy and talked to you, and just acknowledged you as a guy, maybe he's worth getting to know. Some people are just awkward in expressing things, or maybe it was simply an accident (I mean those are unlikely probabilities, unless it was very obviously sexual harassment). Otherwise, you're probably best keeping a stern distance and if the problem persists that seems something you should report to any leaders or authority :/

Sorry to hear about that uncomfortable experience, though

[Berserk]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by he was "caressing" your hip, but male or female it shouldn't be acceptable to "caress" another person's body without their consent. If it happens again I would just calmly ask him not to touch you/that you prefer not to be touched.

[tehuti]

Inappropriate contact is inappropriate contact. Don't stand for it. I'd call him out on it if it happens again.

[November Fox]

I know it was deliberate, he actually looked me in the eyes - which makes it worse.
I don´t like touching either, but with this kind of touching he seemed to be implying that I was still female to him. He certainly would never attempt this with other men, I know him well enough.

I´ll stay away from him and if he does that again I´ll tell him off. Angers me though, stuff like this.

[TomTuttle]

Whether or not it was him viewing you as female or it was a homosexual interaction, him caressing you and starting you in the eye is 100% sexual harassment and it's not okay. You should tell him you dont want him to do that and if he thinks your being weird then tell someone else because he's obviously a bit of a predator.

[Kylo]

Be careful.

Anyone who sees nothing wrong with acting in a predatory fashion won't hesitate to stoop extremely low to "cover their ass" or rep if/when you attempt to stand up to it. I've seen it enough times to think it's fairly typical of situations like these.

Not saying this guy WILL do this but I would be aware of the possibility of him making stuff up if you decided to report it to someone; don't assume being the victim will mean others will automatically support you. He knows what he is doing is wrong. This kind of thing - although more forceful than what you described happened to me on 2 different occasions with 2 different people and both of them tried to get me fired or evicted respectively after responding to them. One succeeded and nobody gave me the time of day as the actual victim. If I were you I'd stay very far away from him. In my experience people have too much confidence in anti-harassment regs and the ability of people to step in and help. Unless you can somehow gather video evidence, it's not easy to counter, especially if he has more friends and acquaintances that would automatically take his side in this community and make your life difficult.