We have not been around here much lately while the rest of our life intrudes. At times, it has felt like our whole world is falling apart. Having a place to go that is safe and accepting is helping so much in keeping ourself together. I-Amanda wish so much we could be talking about what kind of Easter dress to get and what shoes would go with it instead.
Work has been a major source of stress with a major project behind schedule requiring lots of extra hours. This also cuts into our Amanda time which adds to the stress and feelings of powerlessness. There have been days where so many thing are coming at one time that Maleme has been overwhelmed and I-Amanda have popped out for short times. Some of our coworkers have noticed that we have been more emotional than we normally act.
Added to this is the background noise of the news with all the hate groups becoming emboldened to act out and lawmakers introducing anti LGBT bills in many parts of the country, especially here in the South.
But, the part that is affecting us the most is at church which has been our refuge and sanctuary. The clergy are trying to change some things about the service to appeal to people outside our congregation and bring in more young people. Mostly, it is okay even though most of the changes are not appealing to us. But, some of them are extremely triggering. When the congregation does those things, it feels like aliens have come in and taken over the people I thought I knew and trusted. This triggers some of our deepest fears and destroys the sense of safety we had before. Our therapist has suggested taking a hiatus to protect ourself which we have already been thinking about. But, this itself is also triggering that feelings of being rejected by our parents and wanting to run away but have no place to go.
Being in the middle of the choir has been making it worse by adding to the feeling of being trapped and sending us beyond fight or flight into dissociative freeze. We are back being 6 on an OR table still awake but unable to move while nurses jam an anaesthesia mask over our face or 6 in the principal's office being beaten for being stubborn and also back at 5 trapped in a preschool bathroom with the Monster Man. We are also feeling being a teenager while our parents shred other apart verbally, but felt like they were physically harming each other and something about it related to us being a freak for being too feminine and not being masculine enough. The feelings of helplessness and wanting to be dead instead of feeling all the horrible things flow freely again in those moments. It feels like being adopted by our church family, then told we are not really wanted which feeds back into the feelings of being horrible and not deserving. The fears of having the real us removed but leaving the body and a robotlike, soulless persona to please everyone else are hit hard.
The triggering has been so strong that even thinking about the triggering events brings it on enough to cause us to dissociate a little. When we start an email to the head pastor, we find ourself unable to focus and finding excuses to do anything else. It has taken a week to be able to say what I have said here in a safe place. It has been affecting home life too as we fall back into the old modes of hypervigilance and feeling like something bad will happen any moment.
Thanks for listening. Just having someone listen and not feeling alone helps.
