Not again...

[Laura_Squirrel]

Ugh.

Here we go again.

This has been going on for a few months. This stupid GID triggered depression. It never goes away entirely. It just gets pushed into the back of my mind. It may stay away for months. But, it always comes back. There are times where it will get really bad after a few years. Nothing triggers it (such as something happening when I am out and about. That stuff rarely happens, thankfully). But, it always pops up in my head and it won't leave me alone.

There have been a few times recently where I have thought about suicide. But, I push it away. I have things that need to be done. I'm not leaving until things that need to be done are completed. But, at the same time. This really, really sucks.

I never looked at transitioning as being some kind of cure-all. I knew that would never be the case. But, at the same time, I thought that it would get better in the sense of gender dysphoria not preying on my mind all of the time. I can't go back to the drugs and the booze. Although, I wish that I could. At least in those days, I didn't have this going back and forth between being happy and really depressed.

I don't want to talk to my family about this. They have heard it all before. It won't matter. The only person I can talk to about this lives in another state. But, even then, I feel bad about talking about it with them.

Plus, I'm worried about other stuff. Possible legal stuff that could affect my transition. Then, I start thinking about suicide again. Because, if the worst case scenario occurs in terms of the legal stuff, that would push me over the edge.

This whole thing just sucks.

[AlyssaJ]

Laura it does suck sometimes.  But remember this, the anxiety you feel is triggered by things that many of us here have experienced as well.  There are hundreds if not thousands of men and women here who have proven you can get through it all and experience happiness on the other side.  Not everyone has as rough a road as you do but there are also many others who've had it rougher.  Just keep that in mind and try to focus on all the good things that are and will happen to you.  Peace and joy are out there waiting for you to take them.

[JoanneB]

I relied on my 3D's; Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial, for decades to try to keep the corks under water. It mostly worked and then suddenly BAM on comes the GD attack lasting minutes to perhaps days or weeks.

I also relied on, over the decades, the occasional use of low dose HRT for the much needed "Brain-Reset" when things got particularly intense.

Perhaps you think in different ways about what you can do to manage the GD. You say there is no one to talk to. Yet nothing about a therapist. Better yet is finding a TG support group. Nothing helped me more then being in room filled with people whose life's and feelings almost mirrored mine.

Then there is, I suspect, the "All or Nothing" view on what to do about being TG. There is a lot you can do to grow as a person, learn more about yourself. To help Loose the Shame & Guilt acquired over a lifetime of fighting the GD. What you need to do to manage the GD is unique to you and you alone. Only you know best how to balance all the conflicting needs and wants in your life.  What those things you need to do today will likely change over time, just as all the other needs and wants in your life have changed over time. There is no Rule-Book on how to mange GD, just suggestions from those who've been there

[Laura_Squirrel]

I've found that therapists don't really help all that much. Besides, the one that I went to (solely because I had to see one to get the transitional ball rolling) no longer practices here. I'm not taking a chance and wasting my money on ending up with some moronic bigot.

We do have an LGBT group here. But, it's super small and when I checked it out years ago, it was all cisgendered lesbians and gay dudes. Not to mention the fact that the meetings were so dull that I could've had a more vibrant conversation talking to my dolls. That place was about as lively as a cemetery.

So, I really don't have any options here. Moving isn't an option, either. I've looked into several places in larger cities and the only places I could afford to live are ghettos. No thanks. No need to add on a whole other set of problems to what is already going on.