Hey Ash....
more like oppressing, but kind of inadvertently. Because it was easier to play the man. I looked like one, I sounded like one, I walked like one and thanks to years and years of socialization for protection purposes, acted like one. He was always there to tell me it couldn't be done or that only freaks thought this way. He was the one that was socially accepted at parties. He was the one that was always getting kudo's for being so manly and doing such manly things. So in my mind, it all must have been right. Otherwise, why would I constantly be getting such positive affirmation for his accomplishments. So for me at least, He was a construct of my own mind created as a mote to protect the castle. He was the bodyguard that kept me safe in a world that would see me hurt. He was my knight in shining armor and I love him for protecting me like the men I have always liked and respected do. Unfortunately, he had to do it with fear because back in the day, it was a dangerous world for people like us. He kept me from doing this at the wrong time for me. You needed more fortitude than I had and needed to be in a more nurturing environment. When I told him last year that I didn't think I needed him any more, that I could stand on my own two feet now, he chivalrously stepped aside and has continuously asked how he can help. So no...I can't hate him. He's done too much for me over the years and he was always a stand up guy. For me as well as others. Almost to a person, everyone I've told has been behind me 100 percent. They all mention how he was always there for them so although they'll miss him, since he wants me to be happy, so do they. That speaks volume to who that fake man was. I will always love that guy for always being there for me. It was my fault I didn't ask him to leave earlier, not his. He was just protecting me. Just glad I finally got the nerve to live truthfully, for him and for me, cuz' we were both exhausted.
