In a low dose funk.

[Paige]

Hi All,

So I've been on low dose E for about 8 months.  I chose the low dose route to try to alleviate the dysphoria that was driving me crazy.  After 50+ years of fighting dysphoria I was looking for a solution without wrecking my marriage.   It has eased the dysphoria at times but it has been replaced by a lot of guilt.

My wife has known almost since we moved in together 30 years ago that I was fighting this.  I don't think she ever realized how bad it was.  We both thought I could work through it but as we all know, it doesn't work that way.  She  barely tolerates my problem.  She refuses to see a therapist.  If I choose to transition we are both of the opinion the relationship will end.

After 8 months, I have almost a  B cup on my left side and an A on the right.  They ache so I imagine they are still growing.  My skin is soft and I've had some fat redistribution.  My wife is grossed out by this and barely wants to touch me anymore.   On the other hand I'm absolutely euphoric about the changes and wish I could find a way to continue.

My therapist tells me the only way forward is to transition, but I just don't have the courage.  I fear telling my two daughters the most.  They are both around 20 and are doing so well.  I just wouldn't want this to disrupt their lives.

I also fear the embarrassment of telling friends and family.  I've never been brave about this.

With summer, t-shirt weather approaching fast I'm really worried I'm going to show so I've been seriously considering stopping HRT.   I've tried stopping a few times for a few days, but the dysphoria has returned with a vengeance.  Perhaps the only answer is to go full speed ahead?   

I know there's no easy answer to this.  I just thought I would write it down as a bit of self-therapy. 

Have a nice day,
Paige

[CarlyMcx]

Don't stop HRT.  You'll be a total wreck if you do.  If you do, only do it under a doctors supervision and keep a psych helpline on speed dial.  I am in a similar situation but I am on a full transition dose.  My wife is still attracted to me.  She really likes feminine guys. 

However she does not want me out because she worries about her reputation and about how I will get treated.

So I have just decided to do an "under the radar" transition.  She is overseas visiting family right now and I have been out and about in increasingly feminine mode with mixed results.  I still get sirred a lot because lots of places know the old me or have my name/credit information on file as male.

So it is possible to "girl up" quite a bit and still be a guy.  I am still not quite passable without a lot of makeup and the right accessories so I just keep getting more feminine bit by bit and go with the flow.  But I am going to have to do an official name and gender change if I want to go any further in being treated as female most places.

I pretty much have to come out, though.  Being a guy gives me panic attacks and this is the only relief I have had after a dozen years of panic attacks.

I've never had a real vacation like spending two weeks in Hawaii or whatever.  All the money always got sent to my in laws or spent on my wife's annual visits to them.  She always put them ahead of me, not just immediate family but aunts, uncles and cousins as well.  No one is going to be good to me but me. 

So I have decided I am going to do what I have to do.

You have my full and complete sympathy.  I hope you find your way with this.

Hugs, Carly

[DawnOday]

We all question, is it worth it. When you have been struggling as long as we have, and we know the feeling is not going away without taking action. My wife and I weren't having sex anyway as I have been on Spiro for 25 years. At least not in the normal sense
I decided on going forward because it is an itch that needs to be scratched. My point was. How can you possibly love anyone else if you don't love yourself. After 60 long years, I am starting to.

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[Paige]

Don't stop HRT.  You'll be a total wreck if you do.  If you do, only do it under a doctors supervision and keep a psych helpline on speed dial.  I am in a similar situation but I am on a full transition dose.  My wife is still attracted to me.  She really likes feminine guys. 

However she does not want me out because she worries about her reputation and about how I will get treated.

So I have just decided to do an "under the radar" transition.  She is overseas visiting family right now and I have been out and about in increasingly feminine mode with mixed results.  I still get sirred a lot because lots of places know the old me or have my name/credit information on file as male.

So it is possible to "girl up" quite a bit and still be a guy.  I am still not quite passable without a lot of makeup and the right accessories so I just keep getting more feminine bit by bit and go with the flow.  But I am going to have to do an official name and gender change if I want to go any further in being treated as female most places.

I pretty much have to come out, though.  Being a guy gives me panic attacks and this is the only relief I have had after a dozen years of panic attacks.

I've never had a real vacation like spending two weeks in Hawaii or whatever.  All the money always got sent to my in laws or spent on my wife's annual visits to them.  She always put them ahead of me, not just immediate family but aunts, uncles and cousins as well.  No one is going to be good to me but me. 

So I have decided I am going to do what I have to do.

You have my full and complete sympathy.  I hope you find your way with this.

Hugs, Carly

Hi Carly,
I hope I find my way too   Something will have to give soon.  My wife isn't really up for any of this so I'm going to have to make some sort of decision.

Thanks for the withdrawal tip too.  I have a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks.  I'll talk to him about it.

Take care,
Paige

[Paige]

We all question, is it worth it. When you have been struggling as long as we have, and we know the feeling is not going away without taking action. My wife and I weren't having sex anyway as I have been on Spiro for 25 years. At least not in the normal sense
I decided on going forward because it is an itch that needs to be scratched. My point was. How can you possibly love anyone else if you don't love yourself. After 60 long years, I am starting to.

Hi Dawn,

You're probably right about loving yourself.  I've really hated myself at times.  The E has helped me realize I'm not so bad.   

Thanks,
Paige

[Tessa James]

You're not bad at all Paige.  In fact you are a sweetheart and have sucked up enough of your life to get several merit badges.  But you're not a girl scout, this is your life and you know what you need.  Damn sure it will be tough and you're just the one who can handle it!  You are worth it!

Yes, go for it.  I did full speed ahead damn the torpedoes in large part because I realized how much I was working to be a fake man and how much better it feels to be real.  Your breasts are only two nice indicators of what else is out there and within you.

The water is warmer the more I swim in the fountains of freedom.  Dive in!

[KathyLauren]

It's a tough choice, to decide between being whole or having a relationship.  There's no one answer.  You will have to do what is best for you and your situation.

The dysphoria won't go away.  Left untreated, it would have gotten worse.  Since you have started treating it, I think that stopping treatment will make it much worse.  Carly's advice is sound.

If you are an A/B cup already, you can probably forget about wearing T-shirts in male mode.  I am probably only an AA at this point, and I am realizing that already I can't wear T-shirts any more until I transition socially.  There's no going back without surgery, and based on your comments, I would think you would really regret that.

If you try to put this genie back in the bottle, how good a husband and father can you be if you are not whole?

As I said in another post today, I get the fear.  I basically had to jump without a parachute, without knowing if there would be someone to catch me.  I still shake my head in amazement that I did it.  I didn't think I had it in me.  But I did it because the alternative was unbearable.

You can, too.

[Denise]

Carly's first two sentences were the most important.

Don't stop HRT. If you do keep emergency numbers on speed dial.

I stopped for two months and I almost lost my job, family and life.  Be careful if you stop.

My wife is not happy and we're approaching a year without and physical contact.  We still live together but that's because it's a 4000 sqft house with 5 bedrooms and the kids are out on their own.

Eventually you will need to make a decision and it will probably be your wife to do so... Stay together and grow old together as house mates or... Let's hope not.

I'm pulling for you.

-Denise

P.s. I've been full time Denise for exactly one month.  She's coping

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[Paige]

You're not bad at all Paige.  In fact you are a sweetheart and have sucked up enough of your life to get several merit badges.  But you're not a girl scout, this is your life and you know what you need.  Damn sure it will be tough and you're just the one who can handle it!  You are worth it!

Yes, go for it.  I did full speed ahead damn the torpedoes in large part because I realized how much I was working to be a fake man and how much better it feels to be real.  Your breasts are only two nice indicators of what else is out there and within you.

The water is warmer the more I swim in the fountains of freedom.  Dive in!

Hi Tessa James,

Thanks for the pep talk   If it does happen, I often picture it being something like that.  I'm thinking one day I'll come to the conclusion that this muddled middle ground is killing me and I'll just damn the torpedoes as you said.

Although this slow gradual change that I'm currently doing is probably the exact opposite.  It's more like the E is dragging me along.

Take care,
Paige

[Paige]

It's a tough choice, to decide between being whole or having a relationship.  There's no one answer.  You will have to do what is best for you and your situation.

The dysphoria won't go away.  Left untreated, it would have gotten worse.  Since you have started treating it, I think that stopping treatment will make it much worse.  Carly's advice is sound.

If you are an A/B cup already, you can probably forget about wearing T-shirts in male mode.  I am probably only an AA at this point, and I am realizing that already I can't wear T-shirts any more until I transition socially.  There's no going back without surgery, and based on your comments, I would think you would really regret that.

If you try to put this genie back in the bottle, how good a husband and father can you be if you are not whole?

As I said in another post today, I get the fear.  I basically had to jump without a parachute, without knowing if there would be someone to catch me.  I still shake my head in amazement that I did it.  I didn't think I had it in me.  But I did it because the alternative was unbearable.

You can, too.

Hi Kathy,

I'm guessing when I say almost a B on the one side.  The bra calculators don't really work. I'm 35 under breasts and 39.5 over, most say that I'm a 36D which is kind of ridiculous.  I fill my B cup bra pretty well.  It's not like moobs, it's more solid then that, cone shaped.  The other side is more moob like where I'm gathering the tissue into the bra.  When I put a tight light t-shirt on, it's pretty obvious I have breasts especially on the left.  With a baggier heavier t-shirt, it's not as noticeable.  I don't know, I'm probably playing with fire. 

The alternative is getting unbearable.  I try to live day to day not thinking too far ahead, but with summer coming this has made me think more about the future then I want at the moment and increased my dread of being discovered before I'm ready. 

Maybe one day I'll shake my head in amazement.  Thanks for the support,
Paige

[Paige]

Carly's first two sentences were the most important.

Don't stop HRT. If you do keep emergency numbers on speed dial.

I stopped for two months and I almost lost my job, family and life.  Be careful if you stop.

My wife is not happy and we're approaching a year without and physical contact.  We still live together but that's because it's a 4000 sqft house with 5 bedrooms and the kids are out on their own.

Eventually you will need to make a decision and it will probably be your wife to do so... Stay together and grow old together as house mates or... Let's hope not.

I'm pulling for you.

-Denise

P.s. I've been full time Denise for exactly one month.  She's coping

Hi Denise,

I'm worried if I stop.  Since I've been on E I've felt more normal.  I've been able to concentrate.  I am worried that if I go off E I would probably become a basket case.

Your right I'll eventually will need to make a decision.  Unfortunately my wife on many occasions has said it will end the relationship if I transition.  It's getting pretty dicey now.  On the other hand I've procrastinated for 50+ years.

Thanks for pulling for me and good luck with your journey too.
Paige

[AnonyMs]

Your right I'll eventually will need to make a decision.  Unfortunately my wife on many occasions has said it will end the relationship if I transition.  It's getting pretty dicey now.  On the other hand I've procrastinated for 50+ years.

I think I know where you're at right now. I'm kind of there myself, having followed a different path to get there.

I was on low dose for about 5 years. It was great at the start, but after 5 years I was far worse off than when I started. I then started on full transitioning dose about 3 years ago, but I've still not socially transitioned. I'm kind of ok these days, in that I'm not seriously depressed - perhaps a bit depressed but its hard to be sure.

I'm not terribly happy with where I am at the moment, but day by day its not bad enough to make the decision to transition. I feel that's almost certainly a mistake in the long term, another 10 or 20 years of this doesn't bear thinking about.

If you're anything like me I'd also suggest that if you continue to do nothing you'll still be hurting your wife. Are going going to be someone worth living with for the rest of your lives if you do nothing? It might be better to go the other way even though it hurts more in the short term.

Your children are no longer children at 20. They are adults and its their responsibility how they deal with this. If they were much younger it might be a different matter, but even then its not transitioning that might potentially harm them but divorce and that doesn't seem to be your choice.

[Paige]

I think I know where you're at right now. I'm kind of there myself, having followed a different path to get there.

I was on low dose for about 5 years. It was great at the start, but after 5 years I was far worse off than when I started. I then started on full transitioning dose about 3 years ago, but I've still not socially transitioned. I'm kind of ok these days, in that I'm not seriously depressed - perhaps a bit depressed but its hard to be sure.

I'm not terribly happy with where I am at the moment, but day by day its not bad enough to make the decision to transition. I feel that's almost certainly a mistake in the long term, another 10 or 20 years of this doesn't bear thinking about.

If you're anything like me I'd also suggest that if you continue to do nothing you'll still be hurting your wife. Are going going to be someone worth living with for the rest of your lives if you do nothing? It might be better to go the other way even though it hurts more in the short term.

Your children are no longer children at 20. They are adults and its their responsibility how they deal with this. If they were much younger it might be a different matter, but even then its not transitioning that might potentially harm them but divorce and that doesn't seem to be your choice.

Thank you for that response AnonyMs.   For my mental health it does seem like transitioning is the answer and you're probably right that it would probably better for my wife even thought it will be painful in the short term.

You've definitely given me something to think about.
Paige