My own body feels like my enemy

[Amoré]

I do sometimes feel like my own body is my enemy, I see all the male parts that I don't want and need. I try to cope with my privates but it just doesn't work and is making my relationship a bit strained at times. I am trying to make plans to earn money to pay for surgery but this might take two years of saving and investing. If the investment works out!

I just can't stand my own body I am half male half female in my own eyes and I can't stand it. It gives me the worst dysphoria when I have someone down there. I hate mirrors with no clothes on. I always try to keep it as flat as possible I sometimes sit on the toilet and cry because there is just that thing sticking out of me.

I desperately want what cis woman have in a relationship and sex life. I want to be able to not navigate life the way I am doing now. Medical aids (insurance) in SA makes it impossible to get the op through them as it is seen as cosmetic. This leaves us with next to no options in saving up and for someone that has a ->-bleeped-<- load of expenses already in child maintenance and just supplementing my general medical needs in hrt and anti depressants it sets the goal more out of reach than I would like. I also can't make dept as I am black listed because of my past and a business that failed.

Is there any medical aid in South Africa that would pay for this procedure at all? 

[Saira128]

I face this too sweetie. Atleast, you are passable. I am still 100% male, but still female at heart.
   Even I hate mirrors with or without any clothes on. Like you, even I try to pretend that I don't have that extra part between my legs.
     But we need to stay positive, and deal with this. We will definitely succeed in our battle with ourselves.
     

[CarlyMcx]

My health insurance company will pay for bottom surgery, but only after a one year real life experience, a lot of hoops and a lot of gatekeepers.

My problem is, even after nine months on hormones I am still not passable, and I work as a criminal defense lawyer.  I represent people so bad that the public defender won't take them.  They tend to be very, very manipulative and predatory, and the last thing I need is for them to know that I am transgender and see it as a vulnerability.

So far I have been dealing with them in male mode and dreading the day when I come out at work.  And based on the recent incident where I got clocked and catcalled, I can already see how that sort of thing is going to play out.

To make things worse, my high deductible insurance plan is refusing to pay anything on my facial hair removal even though it is a covered item.  So my facial hair removal is stalled after four laser sessions.

And my patches are not delivering enough hormones, which means I need to use more or more often, which means I have to pay more.

When I add up the cost of my current health plan and the cost of transitioning, I could have bought a Ferrari 355 or a Lamborghini Gallardo for the money.

But at the end of the day, I have my sanity.  I have my heart.  I have my soul.  I like what I see when I look in the mirror.  And I love the person behind that face.  And that is something I have never been able to say before.  And the value of that is beyond price.