help me!!

[Trisha Mills]

idk if i am confused..... since high school i have felt different(actually since i was 8)but high school really made it come out. it was when i went through home ed. is where i was taught about transgender and its when it clicked maybe that's what i have been feeling but i just pushed it aside and forgot about it until later.

2years later is when i started hearing her(more like screaming) i found out with help from the interweb about what i was feeling i watched hundreds of youtube videos of mtf transitions and watching them made me depressed i read countless blogs and forums took countless online psychology test everything they said i felt so i just repressed her again

but when i graduated i could still hear her more so now and gave in; i bought some clothes,shaved my legs,wore makeup when i could but had to be in uber stealth mode couldn't have mom find out then i got invited to move back to my dad's he wanted help starting a business so i purged again and repressed her again.

i wanted to tell somebody anybody but couldn't. couldn't tell mom or dad they freaked when i told them i was bi and the rest of the family was the same way so how could i tell them THIS so i just buckled down and concentrated on building me and my dad's store and doing construction and firefighting on the side as well. full denial?? only comfort was alcohol the only thing that made me numb and didn't have to deal with the pain.

but now more than 9 years later she is still here and i don't know if i crazy or just lost and confused it feels like a roller coaster day by day and year by year as i type this i have a pain in my chest happens every time.....

Please help me understand!

[Dena]

It sounds to me like you are transgender but that is something you will have to decide for yourself. The normal advice is you should see a gender therapist. For now, I am going to give you a couple of links to start with. The first is our WIKI where the term transgender is described. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will go over questions that will help you understand your feeling. Should you have additional questions, post them in this thread and we will answer them.

[Daniellekai]

Blanket advice: find a therapist that specializes in gender issues.

But yeah, that's pretty much what it's like. I'm going to say "damn the torpedoes" and just charge ahead myself, got my gender therapist, next appointment is when the fun starts, got the psychological history done in the first one...

I'm going to tell only the people who really need to know at first, since I think it'll be easier to accept for others much later when I more look the part if you know what I mean... We all repress it at first, there are early transitioners, but either they're pretty rare or they rarely come here. Everyone else tried to live a cis life for X decades (3 for me) and eventually hit much the same wall you did. It could take the form of her being depressed, invading dreams, a constant pull, dislike of secondary sex characteristics, or all/any of the above.

Everyone's a bit different, I experienced a constant pull for many years like you did, I thought I'd like to be a crossdresser, so I started to grow my hair out and do some lower body exercise to get as close as you can get to female curves without HRT, after a while of doing that it became pretty clear that wouldn't be enough for me, I want breasts, not just prosthetics, and I want to be treated as female, but I couldn't admit that yet. One day I decided to decide once and for all, either I want to be transgender, and I do it 100%, or I just remain cis forever. So I set out to figure that out over the course of several months, I'd reflect inward at it, research everything involved in transition, HRT, GRS, FFS, voice training, hair removal, everything. I'd sit and reflect each night on it, browse these forums, etc. The experiment that convinced me to make my account was while shopping (in the men's department) I decided to basically just buy what I WANTED, rather than what fit the stupid empty persona I had created to fit in. And you know what, I looked way more feminine than I should in it, I got it home and I'm like crap, I can't wear this outside even though it's men's wear...

So I made my forum account, and 3 posts in it became pretty obvious to me this was the right path, just talking about it here and being honest made me face the truth, and with the denial filter off it's so obvious it hurts that I've waited so long to start transitioning for real just because I wasn't "sure" yet, getting that therapist won't hurt anything, covered by insurance in most states I think... There are at least five states that also cover HRT, and GRS too.

So you know, settle in and see what comes out of your own mouth basically...

[Trisha Mills]

It sounds to me like you are transgender but that is something you will have to decide for yourself. The normal advice is you should see a gender therapist. For now, I am going to give you a couple of links to start with. The first is our WIKI where the term transgender is described. The second is "the transition channel" where a gender therapist will go over questions that will help you understand your feeling. Should you have additional questions, post them in this thread and we will answer them.

Thank you For the links I will use them. Thank you

[Trisha Mills]

Blanket advice: find a therapist that specializes in gender issues.

But yeah, that's pretty much what it's like. I'm going to say "damn the torpedoes" and just charge ahead myself, got my gender therapist, next appointment is when the fun starts, got the psychological history done in the first one...

I'm going to tell only the people who really need to know at first, since I think it'll be easier to accept for others much later when I more look the part if you know what I mean... We all repress it at first, there are early transitioners, but either they're pretty rare or they rarely come here. Everyone else tried to live a cis life for X decades (3 for me) and eventually hit much the same wall you did. It could take the form of her being depressed, invading dreams, a constant pull, dislike of secondary sex characteristics, or all/any of the above.

Everyone's a bit different, I experienced a constant pull for many years like you did, I thought I'd like to be a crossdresser, so I started to grow my hair out and do some lower body exercise to get as close as you can get to female curves without HRT, after a while of doing that it became pretty clear that wouldn't be enough for me, I want breasts, not just prosthetics, and I want to be treated as female, but I couldn't admit that yet. One day I decided to decide once and for all, either I want to be transgender, and I do it 100%, or I just remain cis forever. So I set out to figure that out over the course of several months, I'd reflect inward at it, research everything involved in transition, HRT, GRS, FFS, voice training, hair removal, everything. I'd sit and reflect each night on it, browse these forums, etc. The experiment that convinced me to make my account was while shopping (in the men's department) I decided to basically just buy what I WANTED, rather than what fit the stupid empty persona I had created to fit in. And you know what, I looked way more feminine than I should in it, I got it home and I'm like crap, I can't wear this outside even though it's men's wear...

So I made my forum account, and 3 posts in it became pretty obvious to me this was the right path, just talking about it here and being honest made me face the truth, and with the denial filter off it's so obvious it hurts that I've waited so long to start transitioning for real just because I wasn't "sure" yet, getting that therapist won't hurt anything, covered by insurance in most states I think... There are at least five states that also cover HRT, and GRS too.

So you know, settle in and see what comes out of your own mouth basically...

Thanks for your kind words! maybe I just needed to finally talk and let it out and hear back from someone that understands. I feel a lil better

[Janes Groove]

A gender therapist is a great idea!

My suggestion is to come out to your mom and dad. I know it's hard but from what you wrote not telling them seems to be the biggest obstacle to you right now in being able to accept your gender noncomforming nature and being your authentic self openly and without shame and moving forward.  So much of transition is identifying that one big obstacle that is in our path RIGHT NOW and putting all our energy and focus on removing it.  Then moving on to the next one.  Coming out to them as bi was the beginning of your journey.  I'm sure it was really hard doing so.  Having to come out 2x really sucks. Believe me. I know.  But did you spend all that energy to walk out of one closet only to walk right into another one?  The closet door is open. You CAN walk out.
It's tough. I know. Maybe one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But so worth it in the end.

What is the payoff in staying stuck?

[Trisha Mills]

A gender therapist is a great idea!

My suggestion is to come out to your mom and dad. I know it's hard but from what you wrote not telling them seems to be the biggest obstacle to you right now in being able to accept your gender noncomforming nature and being your authentic self openly and without shame and moving forward.  So much of transition is identifying that one big obstacle that is in our path RIGHT NOW and putting all our energy and focus on removing it.  Then moving on to the next one. 
It's tough. I know. Maybe one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. But so worth it in the end.

I want to tell my mom and dad I really do but I'm too afraid I told my step-mom and she was ok with it. The main thing is I don't want to lose my dad. Is there any way I could go about tell him I sometimes thinks he already knows but like I said I don't want to lose him.
I just don't know

[Janes Groove]

Since he already knows that you are bi, I would think that he suspects something is up with you being gender noncomfoming as well.   Realistically, how could he not?   This isn't coming out of the blue.  You've already prepped him in a way.    Sounds like the elephant in the room that the cis folks in your life don't want to address.  They are OK with you being miserable as long as you don't make them feel uncomfortable Are you getting the classic, old, "I'll accept you. But I don't want to know the details line?"  (This could be bias from my own experience).  But it could also be a case that your closet has glass doors.

[Trisha Mills]

They are OK with you being miserable as long as you don't make them feel uncomfortable Are you getting the classic, old, "I'll accept you. But I don't want to know the details line?"  (This could be bias from my own experience).  But it could also be a case that your closet has glass doors.

Right on the money. I had to say awhile ago that "it was just a phase" to get him off my back he would always ask if we watch tv "you think he is cute" but I know he still thinks it and it doesn't help I happen to have a feminine walk sometimes.

is there any tips on how i could come out and tell him?

[Janes Groove]

Right on the money. I had to say awhile ago that "it was just a phase" to get him off my back he would always ask if we watch tv "you think he is cute" but I know he still thinks it and it doesn't help I happen to have a feminine walk sometimes.

is there any tips on how i could come out and tell him?

I know. Right?  What does he think you do with guys? Hold hands?   
Also, I think, over the course of our lives with our loved ones, we betray our feminine natures in a thousand different ways.  Even if we don't deliberately mean to. We are who we are.  It's just easier for a lot of our loved ones to deal with it with denial.  When I told my dad that I was bi in 1994 he said, "I kinda always figured something like that was going on." I cried. We hugged. And he said, "You're my son.  I'll always love you no matter what."

Also, pretty sure he knows it wasn't "just a phase." You don't put that toothpaste back in the tube.

My advice is to find a real life transgender support group (in addition to a gender therapist of course.)  There is no way you should be carrying this alone.  Secondly, spend some time reading thru the coming out section of this forum for stories and inspiration of some really inspiring transgender people who have dealt with/are dealing with/overcame the same struggle that you are having right now.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,29.0.html

Don't be afraid to post early and often here on Susan's about your coming out process to get help and support.


And above all. And this is the really important one: just do it.  There's no easy way that I know of.  Just say the words.

[Trisha Mills]

All right thank you Jane just talking has made me feel better. I will take your advice and look for a support group THANK YOU!!

Hugggss Trisha