I know detransitioning tends to be a taboo thing that most people won't speak about, and it's taken me a bit to reach the point where I'm comfortable enough posting about this, but I genuinely feel that I need some advice for my own safety and sanity.
In early January of this year, I stopped taking testosterone. I had went back and forth about it for months and months, but ultimately, I found that transitioning was hurting me more than helping me. Through therapy and a lot of self-reflection, I came to realize that my drive to transition was fueled heavily by past trauma in my life. I was trying my hardest to run away from the pain I had faced in the past, and I was willing to alter myself entirely and change into what (at the time) felt like a completely different person/identity to achieve that. Being sexually abused for so many years fueled the idea that if I were more masculine and strong that I'd be less likely to be taken advantage of and I could protect myself better. I was willing to do whatever it took to ensure that I would never have to relive my past again. It probably sounds silly in retrospect, but the less feminine I was, the safer I felt. Every abuser in the past had mentioned how pretty, small, and cute I was, so I had my heart set on eradicating all of those features.
Fast forward to now, and I'm menstruating again, so I know my bits and baubles are in working order. However, I am dealing with something else now that I find to be.. ironic? I'm getting misgendered, but not in the sense that I'm accustomed to. I had to fight tooth and nail previously to be seen as male, but now that it's NOT what I want, I can't get people to stop calling me sir, mister, etc to save my life. It's mostly my voice and my Adam's apple that makes people zero in on me and clock me as what they perceive as MtF, but my face has also changed to the extent where it's slender with pronounced sharp features. Without makeup, I look very.. androgynous, leaning more towards masculine. It's hard to accept and I've reached the point where I NEVER take my makeup off if I can avoid it. I even sleep in it, as much as I know it's horrid for my skin.
However, this is mostly just rambling. My main issue, and this is where my concern for safety comes along, is that I work as a correctional officer in an all males prison (probably ridiculous considering my past, but I love my job immensely). The inmates think that I am MtF and they aren't afraid to voice their assumptions. My job requires a lot of yelling commands, but when I yell, I have a very difficult time controlling the pitch of my voice. It's undeniably deep, and I know I raise my own coworkers' eyebrows when they hear my voice. That earns me remarks of "->-bleeped-<-", "ladyboy", being told that I'm not a real girl, being called a "pretty boy", etc. When you enter a pod as a female, since it's an all males prison, you're supposed to announce, "Female in the pod!" as you enter. When I enter, the inmates shout, "Man in the pod!" and laugh at me. It's getting harder and harder to ignore the hurt it causes me. I've had threats made against me for this and their frequency has been increasing. I don't want to become a headline like so many of the trans murders I've already seen this year.
I was hoping I could find some resources for vocal training, personal experiences with such, and maybe some referrals to voice feminizing surgeons. My Adam's apple isn't that prominent, so it's not that huge of a concern to me as long as I can learn to control my voice. However, if I could get a much higher pitch than I am capable of achieving currently through surgery, I'd be willing to fork over the money for some peace of mind. My voice wasn't very high pitched even prior to T, so it deepened relatively quick and noticeably so.
Also, are there some beauty/makeup tips that anyone has for making one's face appear fuller and more feminine? I am not that amazing at makeup, but I am more than willing to give it a shot to ensure that I pass better.
Sorry for writing this novel, and thanks in advance to anyone who is willing to give me some advice and help me out.
