Reality is Crashing in After 28 Years

[Satur9]

I've always known I was different - that's a pretty common thread here. I don't know if I am intersexed, the next step is to get genetic testing (my mother sure did lose her ->-bleeped-<- when I asked, though! Hmm.) I've been alienated, abused by family, "friends", used by lovers as a way to take out their own mental health issues, and targeted by men everywhere I go - these sociopaths will love bomb me because they know I look like a bizarre half man/woman hybrid, which is very isolating, and when they sink their claws into me, they can devastate me mentally and emotionally.

The thing is, I went through life believing, until literally a few days ago - until I connected the dots - all of the comments (a cop once said TO MY FACE, "What is THAT? Go get the pepper spray."), the abuse, alienation ... I thought I was just kind of a tall, gawky girl. I have an 'F' on my birth certificate, grew HUGE breasts during puberty, and have the "matching" equipment. But my bone structure is a male's; I have the face of a man (when I wear makeup, I am told I look like a "->-bleeped-<-"). Broad shoulders, 5'11", and a robust ribcage, heavy adult acne. I am a strange hybrid and I can't live as a man or woman, though I identify as a woman and want to get FFS. I have a weird alien head and androgynous facial features, my biggest fear is that I won't be able to align with either gender. I don't really want to live as a man because I'm not one, and i fear testosterone has altered my bone structure too much to ever look like a woman. I'm tired of the abuse. I just want to be loved.

Everything in my life makes so much sense now! I almost have to laugh at how clueless I was if it wasn't so damn depressing. It's devastating how people are so hurtful because others don't fit their preconceived notions of gender identity. Watch out -- you might catch my freakishness!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. There is more than one cause of Intersex so your testing should include hormone levels and whatever else the doctor feels is appropriate. As for the rest, Susan's is a good place to help you find your place in life. Personally I feel my differences make me special. I have experienced things the few people have and I am a better person because of it. I am not worried about catching anything from you because I am already different from everybody  else. Just let us know if there is anything we can help you with.

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[JeanetteLW]

Hi Satur9.

  I'm Jeanette. 64 0ld huh?, MtF, and been taking HRT since December. I am your friendly unofficial greeter here at Susan's place and from what I read your need to be here. So come on down!! Ooop that's a TV show, sorry. I meant to say come on in. There's chair over there----> have a seat, get comfy, want a drink? No no we don't sever hard liquor here. Coffee ,tea, water or soda.  Did you read the posts that sounded interesting? Go ahead it's okay. Make a comment or two if you want. You might find some that can be of help to you. No no calm down I didn't me to imply that you needed help. But if you want some help you will find many people here willing to try.
  Oh shoot, Remember when I said I was and unofficial greeter? Well the official types (moderators and admins) will be along shortly to give you a proper greeting.
  You know? All that you said in you post sounds awful confusing and stressful. Have you thought of talking to a professional someone about it? I did. I started with my primary care physician. I told him I thought I was trans, a trans-woman to be specific. He had some questions to satisfy himself that I might be what I claimed them proceeded to help me. He ordered my HRT meds and arranged for me to talk to a gender therapist after an initial mental health assessment. Talking to someone in the medical field may be of help to you if you haven't done it already.

Well okay I did my part Greetings and a pep talk -check

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the club.  Like Jeanette said, come on in. Make yourself comfortable.  Misery loves company.

I can relate to what you are saying.  Probably because I am also a woman who doesn't fit into the classic madison avenue/hollywood impossible standards of classical female beauty.   I was born in a male body.  I'm doing some things to fix that tho. 

[DemonRaven]

I know how you feel. I knew my mom had taken drugs to have us kids. I knew I acted like a boy growing up, I even remember telling my mom when she scolded me for not wearing a shirt outside that I was not going to grow breasts like her. But when My dad finally decided to tell me that i was intersex and was born with Progestin Induced Virilization I felt betrayed and angry. How could they decide for me what gender to be. Then to make it worse I find out the hormones could be passed on to my kids and grandkids because it flips the switches in the genes made it worse. I almost threw my computer threw my apartment window i was so furious. So Yes I know how it feels to not be male or female to be inbetween and have your world turned upside. But I got through it and you will too.

[cheryl reeves]

I'm a hybrid also neither fully male or fully female,i have the face,body,breasts as a normal woman,but have the equipment of a male and that's why I have a M instead of a F on my  birth certificate. It took me yrs of shaving just to get the body hair of a male but never got into a guys world but a woman's world I have fun and am relaxed.
I'm married and my wife has her good days and bad days concerning me being who I am,but after 18 years its a lot better then the beginning, she has known I was different when we got married 28 years ago but not the full truth til the internet came along. Some of us are born with a transgender ticket already punched and have no choice but to ride the transgender train til they get to their destination,if they try to escape the conductor finds you sooner or later, they are like the Mounties and Texas Rangers it may take 5-20yrs. but they find you and put you back on he train, we have no choice outside of death riding the transgender train. Like I keep telling my wife I didn't ask to ride this train, the decision was made for me when I was born. I tried several times to escape with passengers who's stop it was and they found me every time and put me on board,when I got married they put my wife on the train with other couples,some get offf fast others stay for a time then they too get tired of riding the train and they eventually get off. I tried disguises trying to hide from the conductor but he found me along with others who tried to escape,with warnings of we try to do it again we will be chained down,i broke the shackles several times trying to escape,each time the bindings are harder to get off and it gets tiresome trying to run,and if I stay being good I may have all the bindings removed so I can at least move around and go to the dining car instead of having food brought to me and being fed like a baby is embarassing because they still don't trust me brought to free my hands. I hate to say this but we are prisoners til we reach our stop and and aloud to leave and enjoy life. So welcome aboard sorry that's all I can say since I'm tied down and not aloud to move right at this minute.

[Terence]

Backstory: I have Klinefelter's, born ambiguous, but was assigned female.

When you wrote about being mistaken for a man, it reminded me of so many things I remember from my childhood. I identify as male, but whilst I was presenting female, I was often mistaken for a man. I got myself kicked out of a pub when I was 18 or so for swearing at a man who walked in, took the bar stool next to me, and called me a "she-he". Going further back, I remember catching my high school "friends" joking about whether or not I was a secret transvestite. A drunk girl at a high school house party spent the night shouting, "what's that 'thing' in a skirt doing here?" until my friend kicked her out.

Bizarrely, since I went back to presenting male, it's more difficult for me to pass as male. I think a lot of the people in my new neighbourhood think I'm just a lesbian. It might just be that they've all seen me outside with my father and heard him address me as a female name. I do pass pretty consistently at nightclubs, where no one knows me, and I pass most of the time online.