Panic/anxiety attacks

[Asche]

I may have posted something about this a while back, my memory isn't so great these days.

I'm having what I've variously called panic attacks, anxiety attacks, even emotional flashbacks.  I start shaking, clenching my fists, tensing my back and face muscles, and can't focus on anything.  I keep feeling I can choose to stop, and if something outside me happens that requires me to stop, I do, but I can't seem to choose to stop of my own free will.  They seem to go for several minutes, sometimes as long as ten or fifteen.  I don't seem to have the elevated heart rate, though, but I'm not sure I could tell.  They take a lot out of me, emotionally and physically, and they seem to leave me unable to make myself do anything for a while, too.

Occasionally, I know what triggers it -- typically, when I've said or done something that exposes the "me" inside, or if I think I've done something that I feel would get me into trouble (even if I know it wouldn't, or not in serious trouble.)  But most of the time it just hits out of the blue.  I get them at least once a day, often more, but it seems to be mostly random when.

Has anyone else had similar experiences?

The thing is, most of the time I'm thrilled to be Allison (full time.)  I feel full of "I'm so happy to be me."  But these attacks really take it out of me.  And I notice I need a lot of down time, more than 8 hours of sleep per night, naps during the day, and a fair amount of just lying in bed or reading TG stories.  (About the TG stories: my therapist thinks it's my way of spending more time in "trans space," since most of the time I'm around cis people.)

Even if no one can relate, I'd still appreciate kind words, virtual hugs, etc.  I kind of wish I had a Mom(tm) (a real one, not the fake mom I actually had) to just hold me and stroke me and whisper to me that I'm a good girl and safe and everything is going to be okay.

[SailorMars1994]

I get something similar. Much like how being Allison is great so is being Ashley. But, when I am reminded of all the male-like things about me things can get rocky.. I feel the need to vomit at times or just feel really low. I notice too that when mind fixates on those insecurites my toes will curl and muscles become more tense.

And you wana hug?  ok *hugs*
- Ashley

[RobynD]

So sorry you are experiencing that. I suffered from anxiety disorder for much of my adult life and would have attacks similar to what you described. Coupled with depression back then, it was a deadly combo and i am frankly a bit surprised that i am still here. Therapists tried to help as did doctors with some take as needed calming drugs, but it never went away.

Triggers for me would include bad news, disagreements with my spouse, or just feeling that i was being disregarded or not validated.

Anxiety for me departed rather quickly after starting HRT. I have not had an attack in about 2 yrs and that was one of my confirming aspects that HRT was the right choice. My depression got a lot better, but did not totally disappear. My advice is to see both a therapist and a doctor about it, and i bet they will have strategies to deal with it.

As for a comforting mom, i think most of us long for that our entire lives. Here is a virtual hug coming at you.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! You are a good girl, and I'm going to keep you safe. Everything is going to be fine. Trust Mama Devlyn. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Asche]

Anxiety for me departed rather quickly after starting HRT. I have not had an attack in about 2 yrs and that was one of my confirming aspects that HRT was the right choice. My depression got a lot better, but did not totally disappear. My advice is to see both a therapist and a doctor about it, and i bet they will have strategies to deal with it.

I've had problems with anxiety and depression all my life, but not attacks like now.  The serious anxiety/feeling awful started about a year ago, after I'd been on HRT for about 6 months, but the depression is mostly gone -- only when I've had a few attacks and am feeling like having to be me is more than I can manage.  And when I'm happier, I'm a lot happier than before.

I've been seeing a therapist for a while, and she's trained in trauma treatment.  We're working on stuff, but we're talking about stuff that probably started when I was less than 2 and went on until I managed to leave home at 18.  (We tried EMDR, but I dissociated too much, so she's trying some other things.)  I can't disentangle the trans stuff from the non-trans stuff.  Also, I'm seeing a psychiatrist for meds every 3 months and the doctor that's prescribing the HRT every 3 months.

[Asche]

Big hug! You are a good girl, and I'm going to keep you safe. Everything is going to be fine. Trust Mama Devlyn. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Oh,  you don't know how good it feels, even just virtually.  If you were close to NYC, I'd ask if you were available for IRL hugs.  (I never seem to have enough.)

[Shy]

Yes, I've had them all my life.
Mine happen'out of the blue' too, so it's not always easy to manage. I also manifest physical symptoms such as shaking, stuttered speech and disorientation which can be really disabling.
I've been a lot better since coming out, the closet is a big harbinger of panic. I haven't started HRT yet so hopefully that will help some.
So I know what it feels like Allison, you are not alone. I know it can take a lot out of you.
There is help out there to work towards managing the condition, maybe see your doc for some advice. It's very common in todays societies.

Peace and love and all that good stuff

shy

[Kylo]

If I've done something I should not - neglected some duties I know are going to get me in trouble etc. then I can have a pervasive feeling about it, since you mention the same thing " if I think I've done something that I feel would get me into trouble". It's not something that affects me physically but the mental side of it sucks. I do not like the idea of sneaking around, feeling guilty etc. which when I was a kid was all too familiar. As an adult I got used to not feeling it, not doing anything to warrant feeling guilty, such that when I do feel it, it hits worse and makes me avoidant. 

Maybe it's just a worse form of this guilt-dread feeling you have.

[Amoré]

I get them too mine normally leave me shaking, disorientated and eventually hyperventilating and till I pass out. I get them very bad and they do sometimes happen out of the blue sometimes they are triggered by an event. Like now I have separation anxiety. It is not extreme but I can feel it in my chest and body.

Hugs, Amore

[Daria67]

I suffer from frequent anxiety attacks which can be triggered by the most random things. I also have episodes of dissociation which are just as unbearable. Fortunately I have a lot of support, people I can call and what not. The problem arises when I am in the throes of an episode all the rational ability I have vanishes.