Help

[denajtuk]

I don't know if this is the place to talk about this but I'm reaching the end if my patience and I can't take it anymore. I'm 5'11" and 400lbs and there's no way I can pass. I'm married and my wife knows of my issue but i don't think she realises how much I'm suffering. I've been married 18 years and its tearing me apart. I love my wife and to hurt her is unthinkable. I've procured  estogen amd progesterone which i take 10 dys a month to try and kill the male part of me. Its always been  dominant and I hate it. I had gender counselling 20 years agobut I felt they were dismissive and I lived at home. When I told my Mum, her response ws "What aboyt the neighbours?". That will go with me to the grave.

I also suffer from depression and have been constantly on medication for over a decade.

I've just lost the will to live and part of me would be delighted to be hit by a train as it would solve so many problems.

Some of you may have seen upbeat posts from me on other topics - if there's a smile on my face...

Has anyone else cracked this because at the moment, not waking up tomorrow seems favourite.

Sorry to go on but I need to unload

Sent with fondest thoughts

Dena

[Denise]

Dena,

    Yes.

    Let's turn this around a little bit.  Depression affects everyone around you.  I think you will find that you may already be causing her distress/harm just by the depression.  It is possible that she would welcome a new you.  One that is happy, outgoing, friendly, excited for change compared to a spouse who is totally miserable and depressed.

     I know that when I first started my journey (17 months ago today) protecting my wife (of 31 years!) was my number 1 goal.  She finally saw what not transitioning was doing to me and to us.  She is mentally moving further away from me every day and now it's at the point of "why are we even still together."  I still love her and I know she's hurting but I would rather part as friends than the enemies we were becoming with my uncontrollable rage when my dsyphoria surfaced (which became 7x24).

     Eventually we will go our separate ways (this year or next???) and we will both be better for it.

     There is a percentage of spouses that stick by and actually help/support the transition.  Some (most?) do not. 

- Good luck

[Dena]

The transition isn't something you can do overnight. My transition took about 8 years because it was extremely difficult for me to connect with the help I required. The biggest thing that moved my transition along was being in the right place at the right time. I would suggest that you start on your's now. Start a common sense diet, see a gender therapist, connect with proper HRT and have your levels properly adjusted, deal with facial/body hair, work on your voice and appearance. Many of these task can run side by side and as you see progress, you will start to feel better about yourself.

We get pretty depressed when we don't see progress and I reached the point where I was ready to take my own life. Now I am very happy I didn't and I want to live forever. If you run into a problem that's difficult to deal with, that's what we are here for. Get out the phone book or call your doctor tomorrow and set up an appointment for a gender therapist to get the ball rolling. It will be worth it.

[denajtuk]

Thanks for your suport ladies. I was pretty screwed up last night. I've been very emotional recently. I can't decide if its the female hormones, things coming to a head or a combination. I've got some serious thinking to do....

Sent with fondest thoughts

Dena

[Dena]

Most likely it's everything coming to a head. It's not uncommon for the pressure to build until it reaches a decision point. When that happens you need to make the decision to move forward and no other option will do. My moment came whenI was 23 years old but it can come at any age and can be triggered by something happening in your life.

[The Flying Lemur]

I really felt for you when you said you could never hope to pass.  Nature has seen fit to gift me with an extreme variation on female anatomy (boobs like watermelons).  I hope to get top surgery eventually, but for now, I'm stuck with them.  I am changing what I'm able to change, however.  I have an appointment to get my hair cut, and I plan to get a masculine style.  I'm ditching the purse, and am looking into getting more gender-appropriate glasses.  I've been trying to find a place that makes custom binders, since the off-the-rack ones are all too small.  I found a couple of places online that make custom-order male clothes.  (I can't wear ready-made men's clothing either, because it's just hopeless.)  This is going to involve a lot of time and money, but I'm willing to invest those things.  My only other choice is to do what I've always done--hide my head in the sand and hope that the dysphoria will just evaporate one day.   I don't see it happening.

Also, since your weight is so high, have you considered looking into bariatric surgery?  Many insurances will cover it.  More very heavy people take the excess weight off and keep it off with surgery than with diet and exercise alone.  Just a suggestion.

I don't know what to tell you about your wife, I'm afraid.  I'm very sorry that she's not more supportive.  The married users of this site can probably steer you better than I can.

[Gamergirl]

It is killing you inside because the person inside you (the real you) is trying to crack the shell, while the shell you carefully keep in place for your wife, and others, prevents that from happening. 

The pain of knowing people love the mask more than the person behind it.. is overwhelming. 

I came to this point as well. Best advice I can give is carefully (but quickly) reveal who you are to people one on one.  Start with those who you think will easily support you, so you can build confidence, momentum, and practice.

Those who understand and support you will then love the real you, instead of the mask. They will eventually come to understand how much it was killing you and be happy for you.