Am I getting too caught up in the why?

[Sephirah]

Thank you for your support. I haven't had a conversation with you before but you're really nice and I like talking with you already.

How does it make me feel thinking about not having kids, you mean? Perhaps I am misreading the question. My desire to have children is mostly just a social formality that I had running through my head as a child and an expectation that I had for myself because I was afraid I couldn't be remembered if I had no progeny. As soon as I reject that I NEED to have children, I feel calm and the desire to medically transition becomes even stronger. Sometimes I also wonder if just being happy has the ability to turn me on, because feeling free to transition in a comfortable fashion makes me insanely euphoric.

Well, I mean how do you feel knowing why you told yourself that? Knowing that maybe it was... hmm... a means to an end, you know? I mean... there are different ways to have kids, if that's what you really want for yourself. It's possible to impart a legacy on folks even if they aren't blood. If you love and care for them, then that doesn't matter. There are young people looking for the love of a parent in the world. To have that influence in their lives. I think it's possible to have both, if that's what you want.

I can certainly understand your fears, though. I am allergic to children, very probably. So I'm somewhat up a certain creek, lol. But I think that the effect you can have on others' lives can be just as much of a legacy, if you're in a place where you're able to think beyond yourself and be there for others. And lifting the malaise you feel would certainly go a long way towards that.

I think being happy can be intoxicating. If it's something you haven't experienced in any real way before.

As for why I feel happy about getting in touch with my feminine side, the answer is really simple. Being more feminine feels right; I feel more connected. With myself on the inside, with the world, all of the above are plausible answers. I just in general feel more connected. The first times that I tried wearing makeup allowed me to see a girl rather than a depressed guy, and I felt like I had finally seen myself again, like I saw a face I recognized. I had gotten lulled into this sense of security in seeing a face that I originally was surprised by how little it looked like the me I knew but at the same time thought had an attractive face, if that makes any sense. Seeing a girl stare back in the mirror made me proud. It made me feel complete.

*smiles*

I think you've answered the question you posed in this thread, sweetie. The things you're saying are... well, extremely similar to the way a lot of other folks have felt at that point in their lives. I think if you read this back, then you will likely see the answer for yourself.

The why is something that keeps a lot of people up at night way more than it probably should. A lot of people start at very different origins in their journey but all end up at the same destination. The why is... well, I'm not so sure it's as important as how you feel, you know? How you feel within yourself and what you want for yourself. Maybe focus on that when thinking about the next steps to take. It's so much harder to analyze a feeling. To give a reason to something that evokes such a primal response within us.

One last question. Close your eyes. Where do you see yourself in the future? If your future could be anything you wanted it to be... what would that be? And why?

*hugs*

[HappyMoni]

Let me think this out. If a cis-woman puts on something sexy, enjoys her womanness (could mean different things to different individuals), feels sensual in being herself, would we call that a fetish? I don't think so. But if a trans woman does the exact same thing, we are so ready to think, "Oh this could be a fetish." I think it is more likely  guilt that we put on ourselves to say that there must be something wrong with this/me. I truly believe, because I have been there, that feeling sexual feelings when first exploring the female side is totally natural and normal. Sexual feelings in no way contradicts the strong general pull that being the correct gender has for a trans person. It is a part of being pulled toward a gender. It doesn't make sense to have to completely separate out the two to have legitimate transgender inclinations.
I would look at the totality of what you want. If it is very specific like wanting a certain type of panties and that is all. Well that might be called a fetish. You are describing a much bigger general picture of what you want. It involves your identity as a person. That is no fetish. I would suggest a better yardstick than do you have sexual feelings. I would want to know how it makes  you feel to be treated as a woman. Do you feel more comfort as a woman. Do you have a strong pull to only one gender? If you are pulled both ways, maybe non binary is a term you might view yourself as. I wouldn't get hung up on the sexual desire part.
Monica

[vicki_sixx]

So recently I have been having troubles in which I start to doubt myself because the notion that maybe it's all just a fetish keeps entering my head and it's causing me a fair amount of mental distress. I used to tell myself constantly that my problem was a reallllly strong fetish when I was intent on being cis. But at the same time, regardless of whether or not there was ever a sexual aspect to it all, I feel a more personal aspect to it all in that I genuinely like to feel more feminine and dress more femininely. It makes me feel more connected to myself.

Your story echoes mine quite strongly. Fear not, it is perfectly normal and you can just as easily be transgender as a horny crossdresser. As with me, I suspect your overriding desire to be feminine beyond sexual kicks is evidence that you are truly TG and not just a guy with a fetish. You cannot be blamed for finding it sexy. Men don't get to dress and feel sexy, they don't get tight, sensual, light fabrics to wear or revealing clothes and colourful nails and makeup. Plus you're sexually interested in women and you love to see women in the same type of clothes as you wear so of course you'll get off on it all

I found that the more I embraced dressing on a social level, the sexual lust dissipated and I was left with a sense of feeling sexy (and complete). This confirmed I wasn't being driven by my dick but at the same time, I miss those spine-tinglingly erotic moments when I'd pull sheer tights over my legs.

I've PM'ed you my video interview. The sexual content is at 16 mins 12 secs.