Susan's Place Logo

News:

Please be sure to review The Site terms of service, and rules to live by

Main Menu

To Wear or Not to Where?

Started by karenk1959, April 05, 2017, 11:48:18 AM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

karenk1959

Looking for some opinions ~ I am recently out as TG. I am asking this in the context of having a deep love for my wife and an understanding that my coming out has been an earthquake that she needs to deal with.  I like to wear lingerie, including panties under my pants. This turns my wife off. What would you do?

Wear them and say too bad, deal with it

Wear them in secret and don't tell her

Don't wear them
  •  

SailorMars1994

Only you know the answer. I would say do what you gotta do. I am proud that you have come to terms with yourself, but also caution to take it a bit slow. You made this realization like 2 weeks ago (after reading a thread i saw) that you are female so telling her to ''get over it'' after decades with being with you is a bit harsh. I mean unless she is being rude herself and transphobic that is. I would say buy your own girl attire and wear it whenever possible, and when you feel right wear more things feminie around the house. Your wife will either accept it or wont so you will get your answer in time. Take er slow sweetie :)
AMAB Born: March 1994
Gender became on radar: 2007
Admitted to self : 2010
Came out: May 12 2014
Estrogen: October 16 2015
<3
  •  

AlyssaJ

My opinion?  Either a or c but stay away from b.  Simply put, don't introduce dishonesty into the mix. If you need to wear them to feel whole or whatever, then tell her you're going to do it.  You don't need to ask permission you need to tell her it's what you're going to do.  Now of course that doesn't mean there won't be consequences.

The other option (c), if you can stay away from them great.  Personally the fact that you're here makes me believe you'd never be able to really turn it off so this might be a harder option but you have to decide.

Either way, don't  do b.  That gains you nothing and in the end usually ends up in a knock-down drag-out over the betrayal she feels.
"I want to put myself out there, I want to make connections, I want to learn and if someone can get something out of my experience, I'm OK with that, too." - Laura Jane Grace

What's it like to transition at mid-life?  http://transitionat40.com/



  •  

Dena

If you wish to remain together, honesty would be best. You will have to decide between the other two options however if you decide to wear it, take it slow and easy giving your wife time to adjust.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use [email]dena@susans.org[/email] or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
If you are helped by this site, consider leaving a tip in the jar at the bottom of the page or become a subscriber
  •  

staciM

My opinion is that it probably depends somewhat on how you identify in the TG spectrum and what your heart tells the future holds.  Are you are a cross dresser?  Are you transsexual and need to transition? Etc.

Regardless, my experience has taught me that it's critical to be 100% open and transparent about your thoughts to yourself and to your wife....and give her time to process and possibly adapt.  Also, my feeling is that although she will need time, make sure she isn't intentionally delaying processing in hopes that this just "goes away".  Some people that aren't going this believe that if it's not discussed, life will go on and it will magically disappear.  We know that's not the case.

If you "need" to wear lingerie/panties or whatever, explain this to your wife and make sure how not doing so impacts you mentally/emotionally.  If this happens to be the way you need to express your true being, I think it's important that she realizes this.  If after discovery, you decide it's purely a fetish then make sure she understands that too.  Be completely truthful and YOU will feel much more comfortable about what's going on, and in the long run I believe having your wife truly understand you will also bring the best outcome. 
- Staci -
  •  

karenk1959

Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses. It is very true that I need to take things slowly since this is all so new and I have just emerged from way too many years of repressed feelings. I actually came out about 6-7 months ago at which time my wife seemed pretty good with everything. At that time she cleared out a drawer in her dresser for lace panties, a bra and pantyhose that I had bought and I shaved my body hair. It wasn't long until she did a 180 and told me she couldn't be married to a man that crossdresses and shaves. I started to feel abnormal and ashamed, both of which were not foreign to me since I felt that way when I had the urge in the past to crossdress in secret ~ didn't understand why I needed to at the time. I purged all of my lingerie and ended in such a deep depression that I had 5 weeks of ECT. The good news is my depression has lifted and I am back to accepting that I am transgender and want to be a woman. My wife has been super supportive. She is overjoyed that my depression is gone and understands that accepting my true self is crucial to my contentment and peace. I have explained to my wife that wearing panties and pantyhose allows me to have an outlet to feel feminine ~ don't have many outlets right now. I have told her that if I deny myself that pleasure, it just feels like I am once again denying my true self and feelings. Anyway, she still is turned off by my desire to crossdress, but things are otherwise pretty good for two people dealing with a major shift in both our lives.
  •  

BirlPower

It sounds like you are doing the right things. I had exactly the same experience, wife was OK at first then very much not OK and eventually OK again. Now, a few years later she is pretty comfortable with me wandering about the house fully dressed as me. When you underdress during the day, she can't see it so hopefully it shouldn't bother her too much but you should tell her. A suggestion is to cross-dress back to guy underwear whenever she is likely to see it, e.g. change in the bathroom before going to bed. As in, dress up in a guy costume for her. Worked well for us, a reasonable compromise in my opinion. Most of all keep talking regularly, her feelings will be in a state of flux for a while, talking it out between you, often, really helps.

So in answer to your question, none of the above, there are better choices.

Good luck
B
  •  

karenk1959

Thanks! My only problem with having to hide my panties and change in the bathroom is I still feel like I am doing everyone in secret. I ask myself why I need to wear them ~ they are just clothes, but I realize that in my early days of realization that I am TG, I find myself wishing I was dressed like the women I see. I walk through Macy's and wish I could sit down in the makeup department and get a makeover. In fact, my wife gave me instructions to buy a new lipstick for her. The very act of shopping for a lipstick turned out to be very exciting for me. She new that it would be that way for me, which is why she sent me in the first place. Right now, I can't crossdress in public. I am not ready to transition. I nearly understand what I have been repressing for all these years. But, I can feel like I am looking like a woman under my clothes. Psychologically, it is very freeing. Hope that makes sense.

All words of support are much appreciated!

Karen
  •  

RachelH

Quote from: karenk1959 on April 06, 2017, 12:43:14 PM
Thanks! My only problem with having to hide my panties and change in the bathroom is I still feel like I am doing everyone in secret. I ask myself why I need to wear them ~ they are just clothes, but I realize that in my early days of realization that I am TG, I find myself wishing I was dressed like the women I see. I walk through Macy's and wish I could sit down in the makeup department and get a makeover. In fact, my wife gave me instructions to buy a new lipstick for her. The very act of shopping for a lipstick turned out to be very exciting for me. She new that it would be that way for me, which is why she sent me in the first place. Right now, I can't crossdress in public. I am not ready to transition. I nearly understand what I have been repressing for all these years. But, I can feel like I am looking like a woman under my clothes. Psychologically, it is very freeing. Hope that makes sense.

All words of support are much appreciated!

Karen

Hi Karen,
I understand exactly what you are going through.  What I have done is what others have suggested and underdress most of the time.  My wife knows and accepts but doesn't accept at the same time which sounds like your wife.  Mine is OK with me wearing panties and has even bought a couple pair for me.  Another thing I think you need to do is keep the communication open without being pushy.  I find I want to talk about it a lot and my wife only want snipits here and there so find that balance and talk and set limits of what is OK and what is not.  You may find she is ok with you wearing panties everywhere except the bedroom.  In that case, simply change clothes and go about your business. 
Does this make sense? 
Paula
  •  

karenk1959

Thanks Paula, Good to hear someone in a similar situation. Is underdressing enough for you to satisfy your desires? I don't know yet for myself. I don't know if it will be enough for me to feel like the woman I really want to be. Please stay in touch
Karen
  •  

LizK

I do understand the need to underdress and my wife found it hard for a start. In the early days I tried to be quite plain in my choices of underwear, very much along the lines of what most average cis women wear every day and this seemed to help normalise the experience for her, As she became more comfortable then the issue disappeared and she will now bring me bra's and knickers that are very feminine...

Underdressing was probably the only thing that kept me sane in the first stages of my Transition....

Keeping the lines of communication open like you are doing is important and if your changing somewhere else, eases the stress for you both, then that is not a bad thing. Baby steps... :D


Liz
Transition Begun 25 September 2015
HRT since 17 May 2016,
Fulltime from 8 March 2017,
GCS 4 December 2018
Voice Surgery 01 February 2019
  •  

karenk1959

Thanks Liz,
You are fortunate to have such an understanding spouse!
  •  

LaRell

I happen to be blessed with a wife that is very open to the whole LGBTQ community and very pro LGBT rights and things.  But she naturally did not know anything about my ->-bleeped-<- until we had been together for quite a while.  Initially she found out through our long late night conversations that I enjoy wearing girls clothes.  But I didn't feel comfortable telling her just how much more to it there was at the time.  She has actually given me some of my favorite girls clothes.  Some that used to be hers that she doesn't want anymore, or she has actually brought new ones home for me before.  When we go to Victoria's secret or one of these other stores where they have the good deals on 6 pairs of panties, she has be pick out a few I like for me, and she buys a few for her.  It's amazing!!!

  However..........Something the OP mentioned about doing it in secret brought something up.  Even though my wife is so open like I've mentioned........she still has a hard time really accepting the fact, and tells me quite often how much she loves my manly body and loves my penis and so it has left me feeling like I could not truly express myself and dress the way I want and need to, because I care so much about her and want her to be happy that I am her man.  Because she is not a lesbian.  So being with a woman is not her thing.  She wants to be with a man  :-\  So I pretty much completely stopped wearing my skirts and dresses around her.  Only my panties under my mens clothes, and I wear leggings and yoga pants around her around the house every day.  But..........my skirts and dresses were reserved for when she is gone only.  I work from home, so I luckily have lots of time at home where as soon as she would leave, I would change into my "real" clothes. 

  Well.......the other day she came home, and I was sitting in my office still wearing one of my skirts, and she stands there and asks "How often do you being other clothes in here to change into?"  I said something like "Oh not very often" which was a lie.  BAD BAD BAD!!!  Then she says "Well that seems kind of secretive" or something like that.  Implying that I was hiding it from her.  Which, I really was.   But it put me in a super uncomfortable position, to know that I can't just freely wear that stuff around her, because I feel the need to continue to be her man, and the comments she has made about liking me to be her masculine man, makes me feel like even though she is so open to me dressing like a girl, I felt the need to do it mostly when she was not home. 

   So anyway, we ended up getting into a huge fight over it.  Because she was accusing me of being deceitful and hiding things from her, and she said if I am hiding that from her, how does she know what else I might be hiding from her.  And here I was feeling very attacked and like she does not know what I'm going through, and she doesn't realize what it is like to feel such a strong draw to something like that, but feel like you can't do it, because people around you wouldn't accept it.  I expressed to her how sensitive of a subject this is, and how this is the kind of thing people kill themselves over.  Because they come to the realization that they can never be who they truly feel inside, and it is just too much to handle at times.  So I need you to be sensitive to that, and try not to make me out to be some terrible liar because I dress in girls clothes when you are not home.

  Eventually our fight calmed down, but at the end I was left feeling kind of hopeless.  Like she is taking away from me the ability to even get to dress the way I want to when she is gone too.  Not only did I lose the ability to fully express myself when she's here, but even when she's gone?  That is a very depressing feeling for sure!!!

  Anyway, my point is.........dishonesty and hiding things almost always leads to more problems than it is worth and leaves you feeling scared that you are going to get caught by your significant other, and that is never a fun feeling to deal with.  So.........definitely hiding it is not a good thing.  I mean you have to do what you have to do, and if doing it in secret is the only way to keep your sanity, then for sure, have at it.  But it is not fair to her to keep things from her, and like my wife feared, if you are hiding that from her, she has reason to believe you could be hiding other things from her.

  Yesterday, I made the decision that since my wife had been so open in the past to me dressing the way I want to, and her only complaint was that I was hiding it from her, I decided to just openly dress the way I want to around her from now on.  So yesterday, I was wearing one of my skirts and sitting on the front porch working on my tablet when she came home, and not a single word was said about what I was wearing.  She just came and sat on my lap and we talked for a while, then we cleaned up the house together while I was still wearing my skirt, and it was amazing.   I think sometimes we allow these fears of un-acceptance to creep into our minds and cause us to worry so much that we feel the need to hide it, even from our significant others.  When in some cases, it is best to just openly do it as if it is perfectly normal.

  Just my thoughts.  I need to post an introduction in the introduction area since I am new here, and would like to share my story.  But just spotted this post and had to give my thoughts based on my very recent experience.

RobynD

Without a doubt secrets are the worse strategy in any relationship. The trust lost when they are inevitably breached is usually more costly than the confrontation on the front end.

For a long time despite my accepting spouse i also felt the need to hide some things like high heels etc because i don't know, embarrassment?  conflict avoidance?. She probably would have said " i really don't like those on you and please don't wear them when you are with me" as a worse case scenario.

The caveat to this is that we can never know 100% of the details of our spouses life no matter what and when details are mundane, is there the need for disclosure? Now when my wife asks "When did you get that top?" its more about how much are you spending against budget this month, than anything else. She will not hesitate to give me an opinion on what i buy like a negative one is something like " i don't think you look good in green"

At some point the differences in values and opinions have to be addressed if you don't be constructive with that and address it sooner rather than later, later will be harder and possibly with less trust. You deserve to wear what you are comfortable in and it is your body to hang clothes on, she may need to adjust or just a have a voice and opinion of it all, but that is right and to be expected. Do the best you both can do to honor each other's values and also take care of your needs, sometimes that requires real compromise, sometimes it requires a "let's agree to disagree" and you move on.





  •