Should I or Should I not?

[jessicariddhi]

Three years ago I realized that I was transgender. I went to a gender therapist who then referred me to the gender clinic in Amsterdam. Got into the waiting list easily after a couple of tests and a million and one questions. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to transition. After the 5 months waiting period I began going to the clinic's therapist. The only thing that stopped me from starting hormones was the doctors wanted me to tell my family before I did anything.

But a lot of personal things happened and had to move back to the Caribbean before I had the chance to even start. I have told a lot of my friends and family that I want to transition. They have all been very supportive and caring. Some even asked stated they were confused of why I haven't done my transition sooner as they'd been expecting it. Transitioning is all I been thinking of ever since I moved back. I can't stop imagining about having a vagina and being a woman. None stop!

Yesterday I went to a salon/spa kind of place where they do electrolysis and even took the test. I want to remove my facial hair for good. I hate beard and it is a step closer to transitioning. But I'm having doubt (based on fear) about what if I'm making a mistake, remove my beard and decide in the future I want it back. It is stupid since I hate my beard and keep dreaming of being a girl.

Is this normal? Why am I having doubts about this? Can someone help me with this please?

[findingreason]

Doubts are not uncommon at all. I spent years in doubt and wondering if I would be making a mistake transitioning. I even doubted myself for the first 6 months on HRT, but gradually as I realized I was becoming who I was inside, the doubts began to slowly lose their grip and fade into the background.

I remember someone told me that when we doubt ourselves, we're actually analyzing ourselves at a deeper level, and for us that are transgender, we really go deep into inspecting our internal selves. Some doubt is healthy. I would be concerned about someone jumping into transition without a single doubt as to what they were doing.

[jessicariddhi]

Thank you for your answer. I do agree with you in being wary about someone transitioning without at least a hint of doubt. Perhaps me doubting means it should be done. It's amazing how afraid I'm still feeling over transitioning although it's the only thing I can think of. It was Liz Gilbert that once said: The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. This is how I feel in transitioning. If I don't I know it could destroy me - I know that at a deep level.

[Jacqueline]

I totally agree. I doubt every decision I make. There are times when it seems crippling but usually it helps me work through things more strongly. I bet a good gender therapist would be able to help you work through much of this.

I also want to welcome you to the site. Glad you could join us and hope you find some good answers to your questions.

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With warmth,

Joanna

[findingreason]

Thank you for your answer. I do agree with you in being wary about someone transitioning without at least a hint of doubt. Perhaps me doubting means it should be done. It's amazing how afraid I'm still feeling over transitioning although it's the only thing I can think of. It was Liz Gilbert that once said: The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving. This is how I feel in transitioning. If I don't I know it could destroy me - I know that at a deep level.

I can relate too well to how you are feeling. When I came out of denial in 2013 and realized I had a problem to deal with. I was loaded with doubt, and felt like I was in a pickle in a baseball game. Go one way, you're out. Go the other way, you're out. What made me cross the line into being able to do something about it was realizing if I didn't and something were to happen to me, I would die with regret. The struggle was painful to push through, but I knew I had to. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and a happier you coming out the other side once you pass through this difficult trial. It sounds like your heart and inner voice know what you want, but the logical/analytical side of your mind are still fighting. Working these feelings out with a therapist will help to make the process smoother with transition I think.

[SailorMars1994]

Yes doubt is common. Everything you described is what almsot every trans person goes through!