To make an ungodly long story short. Let ' s say before presenting as a full time full female, I always received the ->-bleeped-<- end of the stick wherever I wanted to work. After actually managing to present full time as a girl and be passing, at which point I had to quit my last job due to the hellish abuse I was subjected to, I did some escorting, and eventually became involved with one of my would be clients who said he could take me in and support and protect me. I accepted, but in fact, after he quit his own job to come to me ( and he had a lot of money back then ) he started avidly spending and trying to do some petty criminal small time ->-bleeped-<-, which he didn ' t even have the courage to finalize most of the time. So money started to run short and, in my desperation I even tried to start escorting again, but I had even less success. It all culminated with him driving my car drunk and ruining it, at which point, with little money, only a bit more than the transport back home cost, I returned home and he went to work at another farm. There he beat one of his colleagues for calling me a whore and went to a sheep farm. Now all of this took a few months. In the end of his time working there my parents bought me a farm house to move over with him, and he started it all over again, this time with illegal forest exploitation. Now this was much more lucrative, but the lack of a steady and sure income combined with his spending habits again led us to sometimes rely on my parents but ultimately he decided to get hired as a forest worker. Except the day when he was supposed to talk with the guy in charge he was called to a police post to make a statement regarding a female neighbor accusing her concubine and it was then when the police found out he had a criminal record that he never served and they could not find him until then because his official home was not his real one, so they searched him on the other end of the country and then gave up. Now he is in prison until july. About him now. Did he at least behave during this time we spent together? No, he didn ' t. I like it when a man is dominant, I find it very attractive, dominant and protective are my top attractions, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive, used emotional black mail, sometimes he even threatened me physically, terrorized and threatened and humiliated me one night, I actually think I was lucky because I knew how to talk to him to avoid being physically hurt and it was always a circle of relatively good times followed by tension and not so pleasant times. Now I realized I have been used, that I didn ' t deserve this, that I should probably leave, but I still can ' t support myself, I depend financially either to him if he finally wants to stop leading a criminal life and start working honestly or my parents, and I know I can ' t depend on my parents for ever. I also can ' t get employed now, if before employers would hire me and give me the ->-bleeped-<- end of the stick while also forbidding me from a full expression of my gender if any, now they don ' t even hire me, everything goes well at the interview, I qualify well for whatever I apply for, and then, when it comes to actual employment and I have to give my documents, which are still legally male I hit a wall. They are like shocked and reject me. And if I tell them I ' m a guy, they said they thought I was a girl and why do I look like a girl, which is even more embarrassing and unpleasant. So how could I get out of this situation, if the legal transition costs money I don ' t have and my parents could care less ( court trial, lawyer etc ), with this legal situation I can ' t get hired to support myself, he doesn ' t seem to want to work honestly and I know as a criminal he ' s ->-bleeped-<- and I wasn ' t successful finding another provider. I feel like I ' m caught in a loop I can ' t escape, and sometimes I feel like crying out out in desperation, but to whom? Should I just suck it and go along with him and let him destroy me completely? It doesn ' t seem I have any other option, but if only, whatever happens would happen sooner. This agony is starting to become unbearable.
