Hi from me

[anna.changing]

Hi Everyone

I'm a reluctant transgender woman in his/her 40's and struggling to accept my way forward, but stepping forward anyway.

I've gone to coucelling on and off for about 15 years, was diagnosed GID all those years ago and GD by another couple of councellors since then.  I know it's true but have struggled to accept myself and off and on have pretty much been at war with myself for the last 15 years.  The war has escalated to a full on mental battle over the last few years and I have been on & off hormones a couple of times in that period.  I'm married with children, whom I love to bits and don't want to hurt them in anyway.  My wife & I have grown up with strong christian beleifs and I don't want to let her down.  I first came out to my wife (& parents) about 15 years ago, but then told them I got over it and all the feelings had gone away.  I managed to repress myself for a few years but repressing so much of my feelings, and thoughts had a toll on my personal well being and relationship over the years.

The last few years have got harder and harder as I've tried to repress myself, largely for the sake of my family and relationship, but it has got to the point where I just can't go on repressing myself anymore, as I almost have to shut down completley with all the effort it takes.  There seem to be two options 1. repress myself, emotionally go further down hill, end the hope of having a real life or 2. accept myself, stive thru the fear, doubts, changes, and keep my fingers crossed that being authentic will actually be better in the end.  I think that is the right option, but i have never been so scared in my life.

I've recently started on hormones again and am going down option 2, again.  I know i need to stick to it even when its tough.  Unfortunatly my wife has said she can not stay with me in the longer term and will be off once she gets abit more independant.  I came out to my parents again about a year ago, and also talked to my siblings and their partners and they all expressed empathy and love.  So on that front it is OK, and something positive.

But today I'm saying Hi to the community that has given me hope, advise, and succour over the last decade without even knowing it (crying abit now).  I don't know if I can promise to return as much as you all have given, but 'Hi' and a big hug to all of you.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Don't worry about what you will return to the community because as you progress, you will take the place of those who advanced beyond you. We also don't keep score around here but it nice to have a regular visitor we can get to know better.

Fighting your feelings is fairly common around here and you should find many who are in a similar position to yours but at some point you need to move forward. If there is anything we can do to help you do so, let us know.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the club anna. I was raised with strong christian beliefs too , but at some point I had to put my foot down and say enough is enough. I don't think Jesus would throw stones a me just for being myself. Sounds like you have had quite a struggle as well.  Congratulations on accessing transgender medical care again.  I'm sure it will help.

I'm sure your aware and have heard it all before but it bears repeating.    The feelings never go away.  They always keep coming back.. And they just keep getting stronger as well.  Repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results has been proven not work.  For me, I finally discovered, that instead of trying to avoid it, the answer was to  just steer right into the middle of the sucker.

[Rayna]

It's kind of like stressed marriages where they "keep it together for the kids." This is usually worse for everybody, including the kids. Better to have everybody in a happier, better adjusted state. Good luck as you move forward.
Randy

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[V M]

Hi Anna 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[anna.changing]

Hi Dena, Jane, Randy, & VM

Thanks very much for the welcome. I look forward to sharing more. Oh, and PS: I'm on the other side of the world so my posting times may seem a bit odd sometimes. 

Jane: Thanks for your comment that 'Repeating the same behavior over and over again and expecting different results has been proven not work', Among other things that's one of the things I've done a lot of. 

Thanks to all 
Anna

[katiemoz]

Hi Anna, I have been in much the same situation. I am in my early 40's have a wife and child and had reached a similar cross roads.  My wife always new I cross dressed but told me she is not a lesbian and she could not stay married to me if I transitioned. But nearly two years ago, I couldn't take it any more and began taking hormones.  My doctor very strongly advised me to communicate with my wife regardless of the outcome, so I let her know what was going on and where this might be headed. 

She kinda compartmentalized the whole thing for awhile at that point, and pretended nothing was happening, but eventually the changes were obvious (particularly to a wife).  But we carried on.  A major turning point happened on a trip to San Francisco. We went out to dinner, had a night cap after, and we're having a good time and she told me she loved me and would stay no matter what. 

I bring this up because in my circumstance, a relatively slow approach without explosive declarations or sudden changes allowed the situation to defuse. She had time to get a little taste of Katie, and a little more, and she eventually realized that the person she married was still in there, just much happier.

You'll find others on this site with similar situations, and others whose marriages didn't survive. I read a lot of these stories bracing myself for what I felt was an inevitable divorce.  I generally found that people go through a period of mourning for what they lost, and then the wonderful realization that the slate is clear and they are free from the prison they created. Sort of a fresh canvas.

Either way, be you. You will not survive living your life entirely for others, and you will not be happy about it looking back in the end. 


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[JeanetteLW]

Hi Anna,

Hi and welcome. I'm Jeanette, recently discovered MtF and going down that HRT road along beside you. I'm a self appointed unofficial greeter here too. ((( Hug))) I'm a couple days late with that too :-( sorry I went on a little vacation and have a back log.  (((Hug))) I think you needed another one.  Come on in and make yourself at home. You are certainly wanted and needed here. Come on already, there's plenty of room for you and look chairs and sofas, coffee and other beverages. I see you have been lurking in the shadows reading what others have posted quietly helping yourself to the resources here. Well girl you are welcome to do that but don't you think it's time to start sharing you life with us too?  That's the way it works here. A little give and a little take sharing ourselves with each other.  Give it a go. Make some comments if you will. Ask questions if you need help. You'll find a welcome group of helpful people here. Me? Oh no, I just greet. Silly nonsense is my contribution here. I leave the important stuff to others more qualified.
   I was a life long crossdresser and became single after 20+ years due to it and other ongoing issues that may have bee related to dysphoria. You see I had been lying to myself all those years thinking crossdressing was enough. It wasn't so when I found out I could do HRT and start to become the woman I think I should be I quit fooling myself and jumped on the roller coaster. (I love roller coasters) This one is fraught with it's ups and downs and fast curves but it is also a thrilling ride. I has brought me joy and it has brought me tears.  Oh yeah if you need a shoulder to cry on this is a good place to find one.
   I hope you like it here and decide to stay.
 
  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Jennifer RachaelAnn]

Hi Anna.

I understand what you're saying when you thought you were just a cross dresser. I struggled with that as a child, but knew there was something there that was a lot bigger. I just didn't know what it was at that age. But as I grew up, I started noticing more and more what that could be. I remember as a 3 year old asking my parents why I wasn't a girl. That got varying reactions from everyone who knew I was asking that. Some said it was just a phase, some said "boys will be boys", and some asked if I was "a f*g". Needless to say those people had very little to do with me as I grew. I figured if I needed people like that in my life they were a lot easier to find at school. That F word gets used a hell of a lot. For me at least. But the important thing is to learn to ignore it, and the looks, and remain true to who and what you are. Never deny yourself. That will only hurt you in every way possible. We are all here to help and learn from one another. Yeah, I know I'm new too, but I have been stalking for a while before I signed up, and I could feel the love right away. So kick off yer shoes, cop a squat (if that's just a term I use it means take a seat), and join in the fun!


Much love girlfriend.

Jennifer RachaelAnn