Like a kid in a candy store

[curiouspan]

Okay, so yesterday I finally got a good taste of my whole self. I told my wife the name I want to use at times when I'm feeling very not a woman, and we made love with me in that role and with that name.  It was exhilarating.  My mind was racing. I felt fully alive and myself for the very first time.

I wanted to go hog wild. Things that had seemed off putting suddenly became tempting. I thought about what it would be like to masturbate with male anatomy, what it might be like to fall asleep with my flaccid penis resting against my thigh. What it would be like to pee standing up.

I've looked at a lot of ftm prosthesis pictures. At first the extreme realism really grossed me out. I thought what i wanted was just a flesh tone feeldoe and a binder.

But now I can't imagine being satisfied with that. I'm really scaring myself. I've never had any kind of dysphoria about my body. I like my female anatomy. I look in the mirror and smile.  But now I really really want a penis, too.

I suspect its because allowing myself to be whole is kind of like a new toy. I hope over time it will lose its novelty and excitement and I'll be able to do the whole "moderation in all things" thing.

But I'm scared I won't. And I'm pretty sure my lesbian wife won't be able to handle that.

Is this normal?  I don't want to be a man. That seems pretty clear.  I like my female hormones, my pretty clothes, the societal freedom to dress in jeans and a t-shirt or in a dress with flowers inn my hair. I like everything i have.  But i also want a penis. Is this a normal non binary feeling?

[Elis]

There really is no 'normal' nb transgender feeling; just as there's no 'normal' binary trans feeling or 'normal' cisgender feeling. Being nb is a spectrum; some want to partially medically transition; some want to go all the way; some don't want to at all. There are also quite a few nb terms you nay want to look at as well to see if one fits you; but it's normal to not be able too or too go through a few labels until you find one. Plus it's normal to feel a need to medically transition once discovering you're trans and then for these feelings to taper off or go away all together; doesn't mean you can't socially transition. And just because you're trans doesn't mean you have to hate your body.

You may want to look at the non binary network blog on tumblr for more information or beyond the binary uk; which is a online magazine about all things nb.

[curiouspan]

Thank you Elis! I will look at all of those places. I'm so grateful for this forum and for everyone who has helped me.

[JakeMarley]

I think I can kinda understand how you feel curiouspan. I am also in my 40's and just coming into terms with myself. I currently identify as bi-gender. Some days I feel feminine, some days I feel masculine and have dysphoria about not having a penis and then other days I just don't feel like anything, I just am. My husband is ok with it as long as I am not in male mode around him (he's a truck driver and gone a lot). I didn't really realize how much I needed to be able to talk about it until my niece moved in with us and told me she was bi-sexual. I couldn't help it. The words I'm bi-gender slipped out of my mouth before I could think. I was terrified that she was going to think badly of me. Thankfully she was totally cool with it and we can talk. I hope I don't push her too much. I've never had someone (in person, on the computer is different) to talk to about it. She was also worried about telling me and was relieved when I told her.
As for wanting a penis, I can relate. When I was a kid I used empty to rolls as a stand to pee (stp) device. I quit eventually but every now and then I would try to figure out ways to pee standing. One day I saw a meme on Facebook about the she wee. (That was 3 years ago.) I started researching the internet and found a whole bunch of stp's both made for women and trans men. I started with the she wee thinking that just standing to pee would be enough. At first it was, but then I wanted one I could wear on male days. My husband was ok with the she wee as I'm an active outdoors person and squatting in the woods sucks. He wasn't as ok with one I could wear so I got a fenis original. It's not phallic shaped and not flesh tones. He was only ok with it when he's not home. Unfortunately the fenis didn't work so well for me. Then I got the Sam STP from New York Toy Collective. It was ok shaped, a solid flesh tone and amazing, but still not enough. It was too stiff to pack/wear the way cis male does. I had to flip it over to keep from looking like I had an erection. Not very masculine feeling to have to flip over and reposition your penis every time you have to pee. I want one I can just ship out and go. I'm currently saving up to buy the che 2&1 from T-Men's Junk Shop. It is very realistic looking but I'm not sure about the recptical. We'll see.
I hope something in my rambling story is helpful to you.