Hi.
So, the name's Dustin. I think.
I'm from small town Texas, so there's a lot I don't know. Its not because I'm ignorant, its because I'm naive and haven't been exposed to much. I just got into the real world about two years ago, and I'm finding adulting hard. Of course, the Army takes care of some of it for me- I don't really have to worry about many bills because I'm in the barracks. I have a baby sister, though, and she is the light of my life. She's two now, and I like to think of myself as an extra parent- seeing as how I was the only one with my mother through the whole pregnancy, was one of the first people to hear her heartbeat, was my mom's birth coach, and was one of the first people to hold her. The first time she smiled at me, my heart melted and she had me wrapped around her finger. If there's an equivalent to being "whipped" when it comes to a baby sibling, I'm that.
I haven't been able to get access to therapy and counseling and whatnot, because up until recently the Army frowned upon it, and I'm still not sure how comfortable I would be with being 'out' in my environment. It's already tough for people born female because of the male-dominated environment and I hear way to often about... things... happening to those who aren't careful enough/ get caught without a battle buddy. I'd almost rather be in a room where I know I'm most likely to be safe from that, rather than somewhere where someone has full, immediate, unhindered access to me- since I'm a small person and no match for most of the guys I work with, or just see around, on a daily basis. And they would know as soon as I started even talking about medically transitioning - seeing as how chain of command and NCO support channels HAVE to know, and things like that tend to not stay in between just the people who absolutely need to know. They've all about figured out that I'm somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, but I think most of them just think I'm a really butch lesbian, if that. In any case, that's less likely to get you into a tight spot here than being openly trans. I want to be open, but my safety is a huge concern- the new policy is basically that the minute you have a "determined medically necessary gender diagnosis" (or something along those lines, can't remember exactly how the policy worded it), you live that life- bedroom, bathroom, PT test, etc. The PT test isn't feasible for me right now, I just don't have the capabilities of most the cis males I know (yet. I'm working on that. Slowly getting there). And as I mentioned above- this environment scares me, ESPECIALLY on deployment when people are feeling deprived and like they're entitled to something.
I guess I'm here because I don't know what all this means necessarily. I'm confused about me, the world, and life in general. Like I mentioned before, I was raised in a small town, and it was pretty conservative when it came to this kind of thing.
All I know is I've never felt comfortable. I never really identified with girls, and I don't understand them. Guys I knew would always come up and say "hey, you're a girl, what do you think about..." My response has always been, "Dude, I never claimed to be a girl, or to think like the rest of them. Ask your mom, I have no idea." Although for a while in high school it was almost a joke, lately it's become less of a joke and more of a reality- I think that statement held a lot more truth than I was ever willing to admit, or really knew to admit for that matter. I hate the feeling of having boobs; I hate them. They get in the way and they're useless and they just shouldn't be there. I feel that way about other aspects of my body- hips, for example. They make jeans a nightmare. I'd rather they just, like, disappear. I've never used them and don't really plan to. I don't know if that makes me really dysphoric about certain aspects of my body, or just means I have an incredibly low sense of self-image. But I hate most aspects because they're just not what I see when I close my eyes and think about who I should be.
Also, I grew up Mormon. And I'm trying to go through this and still maintain my relationship with the church. This is a hard one, because when I spoke with my church presidency about it, they said they'd basically have to revoke my membership and ban me from certain meetings since I won't be in either the priesthood or relief society if I decide to continue on this path. This has been a really tough dilemma for me, and its almost making me rethink my life decisions to be okay with being lesbian, and more recently, transgender. Since I started having relationships with females, I haven't been allowed in the temple- and it hurts every time they announce temple recommend interviews and I know I won't be able to hold one. If I make decisions about this, I might never be able to enter a temple again. That's something that's important to me, but being happy is important too, and I've just never been happy the way I am now.
Relationships tend to not work out for me- mostly because I don't put much stock, or any really, in the more intimate physical aspect of it. I just don't need it.
That's probably a contributor to some the days when I have a more negative outlook on life. Whenever I'm out of a relationship, I crave the companionship, but when I'm in one, I feel like I'm pressed to do things that I just really have no desire for, in order to fill their needs. It just never ends well.
That all might have been TMI, but... as long as I'm introducing myself, I figured I might as well.
Anyway.
In addition to being what sort of amounts to an IT desk soldier, I'm an aspiring writer. It accounts for a lot of my free time, along with reading, playing the video games, and binge-watching netflix.
So, that's me in a nutshell!
