Joanna
I did see your first reply to my last post and was about to reply when it 'disappeared' which was a shame as you made some very good points in there that didn't reappear in the final version. It does look as if your feelings of dysphoria are perhaps a little deeper set than you were describing in the first version - no problem at all with that as, more than anything, it's important that you know yourself and are prepared to question yourself.
This community is a wonderful support, particularly for those of us who have to live our TG life in isolation. However, as many of us start off by looking through the 'before and after' thread, it's very easy to believe that transition is, the answer to all our problems, it's also going to be a walk in the park and we're going to change from an average looking guy into our dream woman. The reality, of course, is almost always very different as the 'significant others' and 'coming out of the closet' threads testify and we then have to find an equilibrium which enables us to live our life. Yes, I may well be lying on my death bed regretting that I didn't pursue the dream but, equally, I may be lying there surrounded by my wife, kids & (hopefully) grandchildren feeling proud. Of course, I may also be lying there looking fabulous thanks to HRT, FFS and GCS! I honestly don't know which (although the 'fabulous' one is the least likely by a long way) and, of course, won't be in a position to report back as one tends to die on one's death bed!
Joking apart, you'll get as many opinions from this community as people giving them and what it's important for you to do is to continue to participate fully in these forums so that you understand yourself fully - where you lie on the TG spectrum, what (if anything) you want to do about it and the maximum price (in terms of what you'd be prepared to give up rather than dollars/pounds/euros) you'd be prepared to pay. As far as your wife is concerned, if you're going to do much more than dream what might have been, she has a right to know. It also mitigates the risk of major fallout if she finds your stash of clothes and other female items.
It's easy to say that, if I had my time over again, I'd do things differently but I'm really not sure that I'd be that sensible. What I would definitely do, though, is package the confession very differently. I did a typically male thing - just blurted everything out assuming she'd be fine with it. What I would have liked to have done is to concentrate more on the struggles of living with GD and the possibility that it was caused by medication my mother may have taken during pregnancy; by gaining her understanding of the situation, she may have been more tolerant of the collateral activities. Instead, it's a subject not ever to be discussed and this, combined with my unwillingness to risk losing everything we have achieved has effectively driven me back into the closet.
From your point of view, the fact that you have at least a couple of giveaway incidents during your marriage will in all probability reduce the probability of any revelations coming as a complete surprise to your wife. Equally, by talking about it before the dysphoria has a chance to take hold may open the door for the two of you to see a therapist jointly and work towards a mutually acceptable solution - at the end of the day 'I'm struggling with my gender and want to do something about it, please will you help me' is far less destructive to a marriage than 'I've been crossdressing for years and have a secret stash of women's clothes, hope you don't mind'.
I hope that you soon find a solution that works for you and please keep us posted!
