Hello Everyone!
My name is Tommi Lynn. I'm 42, married to a cis-hetero woman, and have finally accepted that I am a woman.
Without the life story, I always wanted to be one of the girls. Never one of the boys. My father made it quite clear that being gay wouldn't be tolerated. Being trans? not even on my radar.
Fast forward through mostly fantasies to about age 25. What to dress up as for Halloween? My GF at the time suggested I go to work dressed as a woman. She helped me prepare, make up, outfit, shoes, nails, wig, etc. That Halloween I went out into the world for the first time en Femme. Yes, it was a cheat day, but still. I got to work and... No one noticed - they thought I had quit and a new girl was hired. Needless to say, it was a great day.
Afterwards I realized how much I enjoyed it - would buy clothes and makeup and play on the weekends, while only having nail polish obvious and ladies underclothes on at work... When I told my GF I was liking this a *lot* she broke up with me. I went through a few rounds of binge-and-purge.
Found reasons to dress up - Rocky Horror Picture Show (Queen of Mardi Gras
), Started going to goth clubs as a place to wear my corsets and be treated fine. Basically, just enough to keep sane, while fooling myself that I was just a guy who was really comfortable with his sexuality. I believed it. Others believed it. To some friends and family I came out as a crossdresser, only my mom seemed to care, but after some talking was fairly ok with it.
I found a lovely woman to put up with me. She's known about my crossdressing the whole time, and has been supportive, even encouraging of it.
A few years ago I decided to continue growing my hair out. The pre-tense being "I've never done it before, may as well before I lose it." From the get-go I tried to find ways to subtly make it more girly. I started to rethink my crossdressing, and what it meant to me. I started seeing friends of mine accepting themselves and how much happier it made them.
It clicked one day - I was crossdressing to work every day. I felt like a woman (as much as I can try to understand how a cis-woman feels) and I didn't want to hide it. I got scared. What if I couldn't find a job? What if my wife would leave me like that past girlfriend did? how will my childhood friends and family react? what if what if what if.
Last week I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I scheduled an appointment to see a gender specialist, and then I spoke with my wife about it. She was less than thrilled. But, that's her - She is resistant to change. She is worried I'll change so much that I won't love her any more. I try to explain to her, it isn't me that's changing, it's my shell. She is in and out of tears and acceptance and encouragement. Finding her own way through the weirdness. I'm there for her no matter what she decides, though. Tomorrow I have a consult with a hair removal place.
I don't know where this will end up. HRT? hopefully. SRS? not sure. At least an orchiectomy. I'm excited, I am scared, I worry I'm a poser, I hope I can get off certain drugs if my mind is more in line... so much.
I joined Susan's Place mostly for resources and support. I know from what I saw in the late 90's that the LGBT community can be horrible and cruel - but that's any group of people. So I'm hoping to meet the people who are earnest and compassionate instead.
Why Tommi Lynn? Well, my initials would be the same
Nothing else calls to me, and I like when my friends call me "Tommy" as it is. "Lynn" is trading in my alcoholic-pedophile-father's middle name for my Mother's. If they knew I was a girl, I think it would have been an obvious choice.
I've now come out to 4 other people (this group doesn't count, because I am still halfway anonymous). My friends who know have been very supportive - one was so welcoming I damn near cried.
I hope to have lovely discussions with the people on this board.
<3
Tommi Lynn
