Gay Transman Anxieties D:

[delzebub]

Hello. Yet another anxiety-ridden post by me, but here we go!

I'm sort of having another panicky moment in my life. Well, more than a moment. I have struggled with my gender identity for a long while; I've been on and off T, I've seen a therapist for it (among just generalized anxiety and depression) but still I haven't reached a personal conclusion. I need to reach out because I'm very desperate and feeling very hopeless. Again.

I know that none of you can just tell me I'm trans, or whatever. That's not really what I'm looking for. I guess I'm just looking to hear some experiences and see if any of it is relatable?

Anyway. Ever since I was a kid, or at least capable or romantic fantasies, I've always dreamed up male/male things. These fantasies continue into adulthood, where I am now thank you, and it's troubled me. The only time I can get aroused as a "female" is in really manipulative atmospheres. This is not who I feel I am as a person. When I was in high school, and I was just starting being put into therapy for social anxiety (many kids thought I was actually mute because I literally never spoke) I wrote several journal entries that said things along the lines of, "I think I was supposed to be a gay man and this is a mistake," and such.

I did actually come out as trans to my parents some 5 years ago. It didn't go well. My mom was convinced that I should live my life more as a woman before I make that kind of decision, and my father told me to my face that I was (hopefully the censor is ok) "messed up."

The thing is... I really admire certain women. Sometimes I feel good when I try to copy these strong-willed women I admire, and feel happy when I can see bits of them in me. But this issue keeps plaguing me where I feel very strongly that, sexually, I am actually a gay man. And it makes me so, so, SO heartbroken because that would mean letting go of that strong-willed woman that I have the potential to be.

I've thought so many years on this. Being seen as male in day to day life is also an urge that comes and goes. I sometimes feel like I really wish I had the ability to grow a sweet beard and gain muscle mass, and yet also this feels like a betrayal to the "woman" in me.

I've also thought about the fact that I could be non-binary; in my soul I believe this is true. I'm just having a really hard time navigating what decisions I want to make, as currently (and for a long time) I have felt very unsatisfied and that I feel misrepresented.

I don't think I could really go on T again. I feel like the psychological unrest may kill me. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I can just... Live my life like this, not with this level of intense desire that I seem like I can't achieve. It's like either direction has a give or take to it.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life, making good decisions. I'm going to be going to school again, for a career that will let me feel capable and good. I'm going to be moving. I have a good friend. I feel like now would be the best time to really hash this out; I'm very much in the mood to clean up and move on with things.

Any discussion would be greatly appreciated. Whenever I post on here, I feel like I just get so much support or feedback, and it's so lovely to have. Thank you so much.

[Dena]

For CIS people, they don't think about their gender identity. I was transsexual and it was pretty clear to me what I needed to do. Along the line I would sometimes ask myself if I was doing the right thing but it was pretty clear to me that their was no other option. It sounds like you are non binary though you could be bi gender/gender fluid or one of the mixes of both genders. That is something you should be discussing with a gender therapist as it requires far more detail that we can get into here.

Living in the non binary can be complicate. Some people have a full transition but still live somewhere in the middle. Others may change their presentation from day to day while others blend both genders into their presentation. As T hasn't worked for you so far, working on an acceptable presentation might help you find the solution.

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome!

I don't have all the answers - nobody here does - but there are a couple of things in your post that I'd like to comment on, that might help you work through it.

I haven't reached a personal conclusion. I need to reach out because I'm very desperate and feeling very hopeless. Again.

I realised I was trans when I was 19 but didn't transition until I was 40. I had those long periods of sticking my fingers in my ears & going 'la la la' too. Most of us go through them. And then the dysphoria hits like a freight train and we're left reeling. Right? That's the nature of dysphoria: it keeps ebbing & flowing until you eventually reach a crisis point & realise you have no choice but to transition. You may be going through one of those ebb & flow phases, or you may be reaching your crisis point. Only you know which is the truth.

Ever since I was a kid, or at least capable or romantic fantasies, I've always dreamed up male/male things.

Me too. When I was a teenager there was a show on TV with a gay cop, and it was the first time I'd been exposed to a gay character portrayed as a real person (rather than a  stereotype) on TV. I identified with him very strongly, and it broke my heart when I realised that no other man would see me the way he was seen. He seemed so free to just be himself & live the life he should be living, whilst I felt like I was being forcibly disguised as someone else & was invisible to other people who should be interested in me. Does that make sense?

I do have to say though: there are a lot of heterosexual (and even homosexual!) women out there who fantasise about male/male things. Take a look at fanfic: most slash stories are written by straight women. So just because you fantasise about male/male stuff, that doesn't necessarily mean anything about how you identify.

"I think I was supposed to be a gay man and this is a mistake," and such.

That was my exact thought too. And now, after spending several long years undergoing medical transition & sacrificing a great deal of my personal & professional life,  I am a gay man. And it's wonderful. Those sacrifices were definitely worth it, but I really do wish I hadn't been forced by other people to make them. Being trans is an excellent way of figuring out which people in your life are complete tools.

The thing is... I really admire certain women. Sometimes I feel good when I try to copy these strong-willed women I admire, and feel happy when I can see bits of them in me. But this issue keeps plaguing me where I feel very strongly that, sexually, I am actually a gay man. And it makes me so, so, SO heartbroken because that would mean letting go of that strong-willed woman that I have the potential to be.

I used to be a staunch, bra-burning, man-hating feminist in my early 20s. Part of that, I think, was my internalised anger at my inability to be the man I knew I should be. Who's telling you that you should be a strong-willed woman? I thought it was myself that was giving me that message, but it turned out that it was me responding to other people's expectations of who I should be. You can still be a man and a feminist. You can still be a man and support & uplift strong women. You don't have to be a woman to do that.

I've thought so many years on this. Being seen as male in day to day life is also an urge that comes and goes. I sometimes feel like I really wish I had the ability to grow a sweet beard and gain muscle mass, and yet also this feels like a betrayal to the "woman" in me.

I have that sweet beard, and I have that muscle mass. I'm seen as being male in my day-to-day life. I don't have a 'woman' in me. I tried to have one, but it never felt right & I had this constant noise of discomfort in the back of my mind. But now, the painful voice that told me that I had to keep trying to be a woman, and that I shouldn't give up, and that I was supposed to figure out how to do it right... that voice has been silenced permanently, and I'm at peace.

I've also thought about the fact that I could be non-binary; in my soul I believe this is true. I'm just having a really hard time navigating what decisions I want to make, as currently (and for a long time) I have felt very unsatisfied and that I feel misrepresented.

Non-binary identities are, I think, the most difficult to navigate. I'm fortunate in that I'm very much binary, but even that's difficult because I was raised & socialised as female so I had to try to discard that indoctrination & find a new path for myself. But that's what we all have to do: life is about figuring out who you are and what it means to be you. And that's true for everyone - including cis people who appear on the outside to have it all figured out.

I don't think I could really go on T again. I feel like the psychological unrest may kill me. But at the same time, I'm not sure if I can just... Live my life like this, not with this level of intense desire that I seem like I can't achieve. It's like either direction has a give or take to it.

Yes, both main gender expressions have upsides and downsides. It's all about finding what's right for you. And there's no rush: you don't have to go back on T, but it's always there should you change your mind in the future. Just take your time & figure out what's right for you.

I'm starting a new chapter in my life, making good decisions. I'm going to be going to school again, for a career that will let me feel capable and good. I'm going to be moving. I have a good friend. I feel like now would be the best time to really hash this out; I'm very much in the mood to clean up and move on with things.

Good for you! Take your time and remember that no matter what you decide now, you can always change your mind later.

[Kylo]

Not sure why you can't admire or identify to a degree with a strong woman as a man. When I was a kid I identified with and emulated those who had "good" qualities to me. It didn't matter the sex, if I thought someone was cool, they were cool. It doesn't affect my identity as a man that I like certain women in that way.

All women have 'masculine' qualities to them and all men have 'feminine' ones if we have to give them labels. They may not be obvious at first but nobody is 100% masculine or feminine in traits, there's a lot under the surface you don't see. No-one is a cardboard standee. Figuring that out early meant that it never gave me problems when it came to the sort of man I was; I've avoided the trap of being a walking stereotype or trying to be one.

Being non-binary isn't something I understand, but I do feel that the experience of gender is so often boiled down by people into something so simple it's like caricature and destined to leave anyone feeling inadequate and/or unsatisfied if they try to embody it. So don't, because it won't satisfy. If I were you I would try to find the most comfortable expression of yourself through how it feels, not by trying to navigate by other people's crude definitions.

[kylen kantari]

First off, you're not alone. I've spent years almost exactly where you are. Personally I would say I'm more genderfluid than binary, and it is the most frustrating thing in the world. There will be days where I feel like I'll die if I don't transition, and then the next day I'll feel like I'm okay with being a girl, sometimes I even like it. Most of the time though, I'll be somewhere in the middle. And I'd wish more than anything that my gender identity would just settle somewhere. I didn't even care where, as long as it remained constant. For me, after several years it did. Hopefully it will for you too. My decision to transition though wasn't just about how male I feel and how often, I had to evaluate some things and make decisions about the things I want in life.

Like you, every romantic fantasy I've had since about the age of twelve has been a male/male situation. I identified as gay long before I identified as trans. I've been single my whole life because I can't even bring myself to think about being in a heterosexual relationship without ending up in a panic attack. So one of the main reasons I decided to transition was the fact that the only way I can ever be in a relationship with anyone the way I want to be, is to transition to male. This is something maybe you should think about, not saying that this decision is for you, only you can decide these things. Also, you should google "girl->-bleeped-<-s" I identified as this for a while before I identified as trans, maybe this would fit you better.

Also, there is no reason you should have give up on the those qualities of strong women that you like. There are men who are feminist and there is no reason that just because you transition that means you have to be super macho. Something that really helped me deal with the war between the female and male side is this. You are a gay man. I hate to use stereotypes, but gay men can be super feminine, heck, its almost expected of us to some extent. So if you want to be an awesome, strong, feminine gay man, that's totally cool! This helped me a lot, because I would look at the things that I liked about being female and would make me sad to give up and think, "it's not girly, it's just...gay, and that's okay because I am gay."

You can also choose to identify as nonbinary/androgynous. Lots of people do, check out the nonbinary forum. Just remember that there is one way that you have to do things, just do what you feel is best for you.

Hope this helps with some of the anxiety.

[jknfromnc]

I went around for a long time saying, "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body". Everybody got a good laugh out of it. I even laughed at myself.

But, I finally realized the truth. "I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body".

However, I'm also a person. A strong person.

This is what we have to remember whatever our gender identity and whatever choices we make. Our basic personality, our likes and dislikes, our skills and talents, our abilities are not gender specific.

Even though I've decided to transition and identify as a male, I still have what others identify as "female characteristics". I crochet. I like bright colors and prints. So, I guess when I become a guy, I'll be a bit of a flaming gay guy 

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is you are a person first! You don't need to throw any of yourself away.