Ashleys Paradise

[SailorMars1994]

Hey all. Yes, this is another me giving a life story but I gotta say I am feeling pretty darn good these days. From where I am now to where I was when I first joined here back in September I myself see leaps and bounds. I havent had any real dysphoria attacks latley. I mean I still get some moments of being uncomfortable and such about male-things (like the junk) but I am going much better. I had an amazing easter weekend, felt like myself and lived as who I am as i often do, but the mental connect without dysphoria and such was good. Felt so good I had motivation to do things like help make breakfast for the whole family. I am reclaiming the Ashley I knew I always had lol. Tomorrow is pay day and I am going out with one of my girly-friends. May see if we can go to the local restraunt here as it is like half price wings, after some shopping of course ... need new stuff. But yes, all in all I am feeling that I am finding myself and I am actually shedding my old male ego to the extent I havent ever before. ''It'' (cant even refer to it as ''he'' anymore) still comes thanks to what a girl named Jentay here would say, my lizard brain lol but I have noticed it has been dying off dramatically and in comes the things I actually like. I have even been planning my future for non-transition related stuff, like a career. One part of me says to do the military after surgery (like a year or 2 post-op) while another part of me is looking at going to the Assinaboine College in Brandon. I was looking at becoming a chef but I have been looking in further for things like pipe-fitting or carpentry. I still got about another 9 months left to decide but the important thing is I am really actually seeing a future again.  I am actually content

Thanks for reading, just wanting to spread my happiness -Ashley

[Amanda_Combs]

Thank God for that!  When you first showed up here, I was SO worried that you would never get to the point you're at.  It is really great to see you content with your life, it's what we all deserve and I hope it lasts forever!  [emoji170]


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[KathyLauren]

It is really good to see that you are doing so well, Ashley, and that you have some options in mind for your future.  Yay!

[SailorMars1994]

Thanks girls!! This site has helped me a lot

[Rayna]

I'm also glad to hear this, Ashley. Sounds like you've made some big improvements. Remember this time as you move forward, because we all have plateaus and setbacks, and it helps to know we can be happy and moving in a positive direction.
Love Randy

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[findingreason]

That's awesome to hear that things have been improving for you. <3 It's always awesome that life is working out well. I'm proud of you. I hope I can do the same in the not so distant future

[jentay1367]

You have grown so much and I'm so proud of you. You're a "learning" machine, girl! It also helps to be caring and smart in this life and you have proven to have both in copious amounts. Keep kicking ass honey .... You're fun to watch!

[JeanetteLW]

   My Gosh, Ashley! I am soooo glad to see the recent changes in you. Better than that is to see that you see the changes in you. Don't you ever digress. Do you hear me Ashley? You just listen to your elders in this and keep looking forward, taking those forward steps and leaving the old Ashley behind. This is such an improvement and I like it almost as much as it sound like you do.
   I am almost ashamed to admit that when I first started coming around these room I saw you happy one moment and the next you hated everything about yourself. And yes, at times it was moment to moment. I had you labeled as the resident drama queen. Yes, I'm ashamed that I had made up  my mind that you were just an attention grabber. I didn't give you much of a chance. I didn't like you and dreaded your next post. That was wrong of me.
  I'm sorry that I had that opinion of you Ashley. In time you proved me wrong. You were not just trying to get attention. Your distress and mood swings were genuine. I can see that now. I have watched you evolve and I must say you have surprised me and I have come to like you. You have grown, You have made huge strides at moving away from that wildly emotional destructive individual person you were back then and I applaud you for your progress.  More than that I applaud you for becoming a more calm, happier, forward looking young lady. Just look at you, making plans for what you want to do and who you want to be.  You could not do that before.
   You are changing Ashley. Changing for the better.  Keep it up.

  Hugs, lots of hugs Ashley,
    Jeanette

[AlyssaJ]

Great news, really hope the positive changes keep flowing and you continue to find happiness!!

[Janes Groove]

Ashley got her groove back.  You just needed to find your confidence and shed the image of your male self (which from what I can see was only a figment of your imagination).  Which you are doing. In spades.

[SailorMars1994]

Thank you so much everyone!! I appreciate it. Well, i got back from my night out with my friend. It was pretty good, we went on a walk down the water way, drove for a bit,had dinner at McDonalds (no wings for me tonight :O... ) and went back to her place to talk and watch Netflix. She is introducing me to her other friends soon and I am happy. Maybe as early as this weekend... who knows. Kinda sucks that I am making friends now and I am to move a whole other province away lol but eh, the more the marrier !!! But yes, each day is getting better. Today is another example, I havent really felt ''it'' today either !

[SailorMars1994]

   My Gosh, Ashley! I am soooo glad to see the recent changes in you. Better than that is to see that you see the changes in you. Don't you ever digress. Do you hear me Ashley? You just listen to your elders in this and keep looking forward, taking those forward steps and leaving the old Ashley behind. This is such an improvement and I like it almost as much as it sound like you do.
   I am almost ashamed to admit that when I first started coming around these room I saw you happy one moment and the next you hated everything about yourself. And yes, at times it was moment to moment. I had you labeled as the resident drama queen. Yes, I'm ashamed that I had made up  my mind that you were just an attention grabber. I didn't give you much of a chance. I didn't like you and dreaded your next post. That was wrong of me.
  I'm sorry that I had that opinion of you Ashley. In time you proved me wrong. You were not just trying to get attention. Your distress and mood swings were genuine. I can see that now. I have watched you evolve and I must say you have surprised me and I have come to like you. You have grown, You have made huge strides at moving away from that wildly emotional destructive individual person you were back then and I applaud you for your progress.  More than that I applaud you for becoming a more calm, happier, forward looking young lady. Just look at you, making plans for what you want to do and who you want to be.  You could not do that before.
   You are changing Ashley. Changing for the better.  Keep it up.

  Hugs, lots of hugs Ashley,
    Jeanette

Hahaha.. well thank you for the first paraprahp My intentions are to go foward, i really really like the newer me that i always should have been

As to the second I am kinda dont know what to say lol. I suppose I too would have found someone having mood swings on a daily basis kinda of, ''colourful'' to say the least. My yes, my mood swings were indeed genuine. I noticed you joined Susans in Janurary. And if you thought I was bad then you havent a clue, that was when I started my recovery and tried my self acceptance. Before that it was more intense. I felt like I was a lost cause myself, and I had to be everything i didnt want to be because that is who i was made to be. I was hospitalized twice, did self harm, drank my woes away (or tired), I would get so dysporic I would vomit and due to my vomitting and fear of losing weight I almost ate 3 whole bricks of butter..... I wasnt in a good place and it was an absoulet hell. Sorry to reharsh old bad times but it was true and awful. But I suppose I could see how one who doesnt know me personally could have view me as little more then a pain in the a$$, no hard feelings <3 I am better now

To your 3 paragr->-bleeped-<-h (Maybe I should learn to spell proper English before I apply to College xD) I thank you aswell, yes recently I have been thinking about asking, scratch that, begging (in a non-annoying way) m endo for an estrogen increase and once I move to Manitoba and settle with a decent job, get my arse back into laser (which i really want ) and start planning for GRS.... maybe I can get it shortly after I turn 25 or at the very least before new years day 2020 !!!

Again, much love <3!!!

[JeanetteLW]

  Hi Ashley,

  You really needn't have said anything in regards to the 2nd paragraph. I did say that I was ashamed of that opinion and I think I apologized. If I didn't then let me do so now.

  I am sorry Ashley. I was wrong.

  The only thing I could say in my defense is that you were towards the tail end of your terrible time and the beginning of the Ashley I see today. That weird transition period in your character.  Did I say I like this Ashley I see now? lol

  Again I am sorry, Ashley.

Hugs,
  Jeanette

[SailorMars1994]

  Hi Ashley,

  You really needn't have said anything in regards to the 2nd paragraph. I did say that I was ashamed of that opinion and I think I apologized. If I didn't then let me do so now.

  I am sorry Ashley. I was wrong.

  The only thing I could say in my defense is that you were towards the tail end of your terrible time and the beginning of the Ashley I see today. That weird transition period in your character.  Did I say I like this Ashley I see now? lol

  Again I am sorry, Ashley.

Hugs,
  Jeanette

No need to appologize, you already did and as I said no hard feelings !, my motto is let bygones be bygones. As I said I am so greatful for all the support I have gotten here, yours included! Its just one of those things that we can look back at and chuckle about now !!, btw I have been sober for 6 weeks starting tomorrow!!! Happy days are upon us !!

Hugs-Ashley

[JeanetteLW]

Well Congratulations on being sober 6 weeks tomorrow.  Just take it one day at a time and it will continue to add up.

Mine has. My sobriety date is 2/2/99. That was done one day at a time. Not every day is easy, but as time goes on it does get easier to say no thank you.

Jeanette

[Michelle_P]

Ashley, what a great thread to see from you!

I knew you were strong, and I knew you could do it.  Congratulations!  It sounds like you are getting your legs under you, standing for yourself, and moving forward with life.  This is a wonderful thing.

Accepting ourselves may be the hardest thing we have to do.  It sure sounds like you're doing it.

Hugs, Michelle

[SailorMars1994]

Yes I am Michelle. This road has been one for the books but I am still feeling better each day. I still plan to go through some serious therapy for other things like past truamas whereas before I was more iffy about it. I was iffy about it because  I was still stuck n the mindset of the negativity, that some in the family would somehow end up being right and if I just work on my issues I wont need to transition because I am just ''confused''. That somehow if I learn to ''love'' myself I will be happy as a man, as some have implied. Even if therapy could do that, or if I could take a magic pill to make me happy as a male I wouldnt do it. One, I am NOT a man and two I wouldnt want to do something that would change my core of who I am in such a dramatic way. Stuck in defeatism I was. However I notice now the more I feel like myself the more I genunily do want to improve myself in all areas and that once I go through therapy I wont lose myself, infact it will probably help me more go on to be who I always should have been and dammit, thats where I wana be!

Thanks-Ashley

[SailorMars1994]

Now we also just got to get this house finally sold then we can move... cross fingers for me !