Eye of the beholder

[Rebecca]

I'll be using we but maybe it's just me.

We have all stood before the mirror and analysed ourselves.
Highlighting every feature we do not like and flagging it as the other gender.
It hurts but we do it anyway as on one level it is a necessity at least at first.

As time goes on though and our physical changes become more obvious we are so used to finding those traits that do not belong we become hyperanalytical to find them and it still hurts perhaps even more than ever. The closer we get to our best the more we fixate on what is left. It is our curse even when every other person says hand on heart "You look amazing" we dismiss it trusting only our own eyes.


Should we really trust our own eyes?   


The question itself seems absurd but have you every truly looked at another person the way you look at yourself?

This happened a good while ago but don't think I ever got around to sharing it properly.

Basically, I did it but it was more by accident than design but whatever it was got kinda stuck for a while and I looked at other women the way I looked at myself. What I saw was guys everywhere as my mind sought out and held onto every feature needed to pull them from female to male with zero effort or time needed.

I'm no prize but I couldn't help but think I look better than many of these women; not from any pride or arrogance but a deep rooted bitterness that when looking in the mirror I'd see a guy in there staring back at me and they didn't.

So many people looking more masculine than me whilst I doubted anyone ever seeing me as female helped to put things in perspective.

Our curse is twofold but usually we only notice half of it.

1. We see a guy looking at us in the mirror
2. We look for him until we find him

The tiniest shift in the mind to see others as I saw myself was an interesting experience.
I can now do it at will and can't explain it but it's easy to do once you've done it which can be pretty funny/scary.

The bigger and harder trick is to see yourself as others see you. To not look at yourself "that" way and to stop looking for anyone that isn't you in the mirror.

Once you recognise and break that lock you just might catch your reflection smiling at you.

On a good day I'll catch my reflection in a window/mirror/anywhere and smile seeing my eyes sparkle and light up making me feel amazing.

On a bad day I might look in the mirror and sigh but that's just seeing that old woman sneaking up on me 
(just like any other 30 something woman  ok ok almost 40 but not yet so I'm still 30 something until then dammit  )

In closing just remember the good old "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and thank whoever you like we are not judged by our own eyes.

As a woman I no longer worry about finding "him" anywhere but I have enough to worry about with everything else diet, exercise, hair, nails, brows, bikini/leg laser, fashion, socialising, education, family etc.

Just wanted to share when the time comes bury who you were and stop looking for them because nobody else is.

Happy Friday y'all x

[AlyssaJ]

I actually understand exactly what you're talking about both from the self-analytical perspective and looking for the masculine features in other women.  I've been doing that for a while too for the same reason, it reminds me that while I do have some masculine features that I wish were more feminine, so do many other women out there.

This makes me wonder, since we can pick apart a woman's appearance and find the masculine features, can we then also train ourselves when looking in the mirror to pick out the feminine features.  Perhaps a stronger focus on that would be good for our self-esteem?  I think you've inspired me to at least give this a shot.

[Rebecca]

Hey AlyssaJ

It's kinda fun being able to play with our perceptions.
For me the funny part is I can't do it in reverse it could be said I'm blind to feminine features in a way.
Wish I could as it would be funny as hell to gender switch my boss in my head 

My best explanation is like when I do a wee perception exercise with the kids I get a fresh sheet of paper and put a tiny dot in the middle then ask them what they see. Invariably everyone says a "wee dot" then are surprised when I point out that the dot is probably less than a 1000th of that bit of paper but everyone ignores the sheet of paper.

I think part of my problem was that all things feminine were the paper to me so all I could see was that which was different ie masculine features.

You've equally inspired me to see if I can manage to identify feminine features the same way.
Quickly grabbed my mirror from my desk drawer at work and I can't do it 

I tried and focussed then flitted about my eyes, eyebrows, lips, nose, cheekbones, hair, earrings etc and it doesn't work the same way but as soon as I zoomed out to view myself as my whole face I couldn't help but smile.

Guess that's the ultimate test to take your entire face into account and if you can smile you've done it 

[Justine]

Hi Jerrica

I have been thinking about this exact same thing a lot lately as well. I totally agree with your point. When I look at myself I see all the things that make me feel like I will never be able to pass. I know my ribs are too big, as well as my feet, and that is something I can never change. I feel like my skeleton is too big, and it makes me feel scared about possibly never being accepted as a woman. I also notice the things that I can change through ffs to make me prettier and more feminine like my nose, jawline and chin. You look at yourself with such a critical eye, bit when you start looking around at other women with the same critical eye, you start to notice a lot of the same things that make you depressed and make you feel like you will never be able to look like a proper woman. I see women with bigger frames than me, with bigger noses and with features that are less feminine than the very ones that keep on making me feel so depressed. These women do not have to fear, or feel depressed about never passing or being accepted as women. They have happy lives and a lot of them are married happily with children etc.

We as transgender people are hyper critical on ourselves. This can both be a good and a bad thing. I just feel we should stop doubting ourselves so much. You are totally right, we need to learn to do away with low self esteem and once we have made the choice to transition, we need to learn to see the feminine features in ourselves and stop staring at the masculine features that make us feel so depressed. It is good to sometimes be critical on ourselves since that causes us to better ourselves but we are women just as much as any cisgender women out there. We all have faults.

I know this is almost exactly what you said, but this is the way I have been thinking lately, and I wanted to also post it here.

Hugs

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

[Sinclair]

Hey AlyssaJ

Guess that's the ultimate test to take your entire face into account and if you can smile you've done it 

It seems to be universal to focus on our flaws. I like the smile test. Sometimes, first thing in the morning I go into the bathroom with the light off, and then turn it on and quickly look in the mirror to get my brain's quick first impression. It's usually, I see a woman, and it makes me smile. Now, if I stare in that mirror and look for every flaw, I could beat myself up. But I don't, because, in that flash impression what I see is likely how most see me upon their first gaze. I do work on my appearance, but that morning flash check is comforting to me when my brain instantly messages ... "female", and that makes me smile all day long.