Questioning who I am now?

[Krystina52]

I have been on HRT since February 10, I was switched over to EV injections, 3 weeks ago. I am definitely seeing a difference from the HRT. My facial hair is almost totally blonde, the hair on my arms is slowing in growth and I have started to develop breasts. But, suddenly, I am not feeling like I am Krystina anymore. I have no desire to dress, put on makeup or feel feminine at all. It is like she is gone. I am very confused. I cannot see my therapist because of my current financial situation. I am wondering if this is an effect of the HRT? I just feel like she has disappeared from my psyche, this has me seriously considering detransitioning. Does anyone have any insight?
Krystina, (or at least I was)

[SailorMars1994]

It may be a scary thing to go through, but I suggest really thinking about the root of your current issue. See, HRT has a funny effect on some people. They become much more mentally calmer about their life to the point that a lot of their dysphoria will subside. I think thats what you got, and if I were to bet some money I would say if you were to stop HRT your dysphoria would come back. There are also some people who all they need is HRT to feel better. You could also be non-binary, or this could just be one of the moments where all your mental noise is quite so you think you may be ''cured'' of your dyphoria. I have heard many o storys of some girls going through the same thing. They, many further a long then you, perhaps a year or even 2 in their transition will have the boobs at a decent cup, long hair, looking great to where they should have always been, ect. Then they question themselves to the point of doubt about everything, only to stop HRT (at times cold turkey) stop feminizing, shave their heads bald or buzz cut and within a very short period of time lose their marbles again... It happens. I would say if you are feeling emotinally better stay on HRT and play around with your identity, be that female or maybe more in the middle. Dont make any brash desicions, if anything the HRT is doing what it is suppose to do. It is making your brain run on what it always should have ran on

Hugs-Ashley

[Dena]

That is what Krystina is supposed to feel like. Eliminating gender dysphoria leaves somebody who isn't uncomfortable with their body. When I transitioned, we didn't have blockers and as the result, we lived with testosterone and the dysphoria until we had surgery. Now the blockers give you a preview of what life will be like after surgery. This is a danger point in your transition as many think they are cured and discontinue HRT only to have the dysphoria return. I have seen members who switch back and forth several times when they reach this point. Your decision will come down to how do you prefer to feel. Are you comfortable with yourself now or were you more comfortable before starting HRT.

For me, clothes are just clothes. Most of the time I kick around in jeans, blouse and maybe a sweat shirt. When I dress better, it's because I am going someplace more formal and better dress is appropriate. The excitement of dressing is long gone and so is the dysphoria. I prefer my current life to the discomfort I constantly felt before. This is a decision you need to make but it's a question of old feelings or new.

[Dani]

I have a similar situation.

I am post op and totally female, but most of the time I am wearing no makeup and shorts and a t-shirt. Clothes and makeup are just not a big deal anymore. It is just good grooming.

I am also 67 years old. Maybe it is just my age showing.

[SailorMars1994]

 I completely understand, I suppressed this for many. many years and finally at the age of 64, I told my wife. That was on December 10 and her reaction was to cry for me, for all the suffering I had endured over my life. She is now my biggest supporter, my cheerleader and my fashion consultant. I started HRT on February 10th and I have never felt better.
My wife and I and NOT splitting up! We have reconfirmed our love to each other and although she is going to miss "the man she fell in love with", she knows that this is necessary for me to truly be happy and at peace with the real me. Perhaps you can talk to your wife and get her to truly understand, this is who you really are, this is YOU!
I wish you love and good luck my friend!
Krystina52 


This is what you wrote once, never forget moments like this. You have had about 6.5 decades worth of repression so of course your new freedom, as great as it is may be making you second guess your self. That is your lizard brain pulling the strings. Just compare where you are to where you were all those years ago.... Give it time, and enjoy you life
   

[Janes Groove]

Now that the androgen is pretty well gone, I don't get at all sexually excited by dressing anymore.   But I get aesthetically and stylistically very excited.  It's like having a party in my closet.  I never used to care about my appearance when I lived as a fake man, but now it's VERY important to me.  For the first time in my life I can actually express myself with the way I look.  It feels like I can breathe again.

[Krystina52]

Thank you everyone. I was considering stopping my HRT, but now I am not so sure. I am definitely happier now that the dysphoria is gone. I kind of suspected that this had to do with the HRT. I just feel kind of lost and empty. I will be seeing my counselor very soon and I will see what she has to say. Thank you all again.
Krystina52

[KayXo]

Too much of a drop and inhibition of testosterone can have adverse effects on some, in terms of mood, excitement, feeling alive, feeling motivated, etc. This is why some women post-op choose to take some testosterone as this makes them more interested in life, in things, gets them going, increases libido, etc. This is why I added A LITTLE testosterone back in hopes of reigniting all these things. I am also on EV injections but post-op and on HRT since 2004. I do find since adding T, I am more active. Progesterone also seems to help in that department, for some, including myself.

[josie76]

I got that same moment of doubts. The thoughts of "maybe I can just make it through life on low dose", "why was life so hard as a man? I can cope". Oh how life would be so much more convenient if I could just keep living as a man.

But then I know deep down that giving up this hope I have found is a path to certain dispair. The hrt made the background anxiety so much less I was questioning what was right. What it comes down to is living as a man is just for the convenience of others expectations. Transitioning is for me. I'm still scared of the process of passing through society physically in between. But what good is the rest of my time on this Earth if I spend it feeling like the first part.