*Update* I am starting to accept reality

[RobynD]

Are you in a polyamorous relationship? With a woman and a man?

Yes long term spouse (woman) and a fairly new relationship with a man, although there have been others (for both of us in the past)

[Sarah77]

Went to my therapist last night and came back a bit more positive. I want to be where I am right now although the road is rocky and I have a lot of drama to deal with. Unfortunate my boyfriend came into my life when I am not healed properly and still on my way there. When my past relationship is not completely dead yet but busy dying. For it to become something new it must first die and then stay dead for a while and hopefully a friendship will come out of that dead relationship.

But although every action that I took to rescue that relationship and me holding on to it was actually to be with my child I want to be here with him. This is what I want a life as a woman with a boyfriend. I talked to my therapist about me breaking down every time I drop her for some reason my brain responds in the way like every time I drop her it is the last time I will see her again. My therapist didn't give me a solution for the issue she said I must find a way to cope. She is worried about me every sunday knowing I am breaking down.

For me seeing my child only one day a weekend feels unfair because she has her the other six days the ideal would be to have a house close by to my ex that my child can go back and forth as she pleases. It is not to have a relationship again with my ex to have my child with me.

Im glad you are making progress. Therapy really takes it out of you. I felt great last week, utterly broken today.
Your child will always love you

[Charlie Nicki]

Yes long term spouse (woman) and a fairly new relationship with a man, although there have been others (for both of us in the past)

Sounds like fun!

[Marcy8]

Listen to your heart for that is the only reality worth living.
Too much programming in our minds gentle beings, our minds are filled with poisonous negative patterns that limit our potential and keep bringing us down.
For me the battle with my venomous mind was so intense I found myself going back and forth about suicide even though I used to be a man who, according to the society's illusionary lenses, had it "all"... [money,freedom]
But oh was the battle worth it! For I came to understand where the inner truth actually comes from. I learned how to listen to my soul and with the guidance of my heart I gathered the courage to conquer the mind and reached the point of acceptance. I am a MTF transgender! Proud and Unbreakable! For there is only one thing ONE should fear more than dying, and that is NOT LIVING!!!

[Jacqueline]

Listen to your heart for that is the only reality worth living.
Too much programming in our minds gentle beings, our minds are filled with poisonous negative patterns that limit our potential and keep bringing us down.
For me the battle with my venomous mind was so intense I found myself going back and forth about suicide even though I used to be a man who, according to the society's illusionary lenses, had it "all"... [money,freedom]
But oh was the battle worth it! For I came to understand where the inner truth actually comes from. I learned how to listen to my soul and with the guidance of my heart I gathered the courage to conquer the mind and reached the point of acceptance. I am a MTF transgender! Proud and Unbreakable! For there is only one thing ONE should fear more than dying, and that is NOT LIVING!!!

Marcy,

Hi and welcome to the site. Thanks for joining and sharing so much positive info with us. Let us know if we can be of support to you.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[pretty pauline]

My boyfriend is a real sweetheart in this situations and so caring though. I could not ask for better.

I've read  your story, you should now focus on your current relationship that really matters, and move forward towards your goal, you have a very understanding and caring boyfriend, don't jeopardize that.
In spite of my own history and disclosing, my boyfriend stood by me and was very supportive, the happiest day of my life was my wedding day when I became his wife. You have a future opportunity in having his children by your sister, your future as a woman looks very positive, when the issues with your child are sorted, your life will move on, stay strong girl.

[Amoré]

At this stage I am much more content with where I am and my future as a trans woman in a relationship with a man. I love it and it is what I dreamed about as a teen. Me having a man in my life that loves me as a woman. I wanted my ex to love me as a woman and  she couldn't. That is where the biggest problem came in I tried to force her to love me as a woman. Even when I wanted to stay male I told her I will stay a metro-sexual male but you must know I identify as female. This she couldn't handle. My boyfriend he loves me alot and I love him so much. I don't want it any other way anymore I don't want my past back and I don't want to be loved for anyone else than who I am.

He told me we would get engaged early next year I am so looking forward to it. He promised me once I walk down the isle I would be full female not have my parts that is nicknamed Voldemort. Yeah it is the root of all evil on my body LOL 

[TheLittlestSlam]

About a month ago I wrote a post on how I still have feelings for my ex and that I feel I can't be without her. Well after a few therapy sessions and a period of no contact except for her sending me statements of accounts for my child I have been slowly getting over her.

I was busy writing a response to her about how everything is her fault and memories about what I have done started popping up.

An interesting thing that happened is that I realized not all of it was her fault why things went south. I sort of blocked out all the bad things I have done that made her decision justifiable. She did give me the chance after I came out to stay a man but all that I was doing was gasping for air drowning in dysphoria and depression. I wanted to transition and frighted the whole way too let her allow me too and stay with me and not divorce or leave me. I only saw myself in this period and no one else's pain around me. I was only worried about being able to transition and keep everything I have. I wanted my toast buttered on both sides where I could only have one side.

She did not want to be with a woman. It is as simple as that. I flipped out big time with depression as a driver. I could not function in life I could not work I was paralyzed by dysphoria and depression till a couple of months that I moved out and managed to drag my sorry butt back into the world. I only started seeing life again when I started transitioning and got a new lease on life in that way. But still I wanted to turn back and go back to my past the whole time. I blamed everything on her and did not see the part I played in the whole destruction of the marriage. Today I feel like I have better insight as to what went wrong and why she divorced.

I am sitting and wondering what would have happened did I stay a man. Would I have flipped out even more eventually killing myself. I hanged myself in the bedroom and she cut me down just in time. My child saw that. How stupid was I?

I realize today that there was nothing I could do to stop divorce after that I should have just left as I was asked and respect her wishes. I only caused myself even more pain and rejection after that and made her resent me even more by trying to patch things up and begging for a second chance and being stubborn and not going my own way.
Would you stay with your spouse after two serious suicide attempts? Would you rather leave them because you can't be with them as a woman and let them transition?

I am sitting today and doubt if I would stay with my boyfriend if he was transgender and wanted to transition. I want normality in my life. What I was doing was not what she wanted and no matter how hard she convinced herself it is what she wanted it was not.

I think I have some sort of regret about it all and how I acted. Divorce was my fault in the end and I got what I deserved. She was not a walk in the park herself and have part in it all also till today she still is emotional abusive and a narcissist but that is who she is.

At least I get to live a life now as who I am with someone that loves me in all my ->-bleeped-<-. In the end I got my second chance at life and have the oppertunity to treat my dysphoria and get help for my condition by transitioning. In the end it is what I wanted but with a steep price.

Hun, I am so sorry to hear you went through that and i know this is cliche that happiness comes from within.  and it may seem hard but you would not have been happy lying to yourself and suppressing who you really are, I mean you are going through alot now but at least youre working towards bringing yourself to happiness. 
I thought the same way for i while to a point where I basically lived for my friends and to please them, I was so easily dismissed that they didn't realise something was wrong, it wasn't until someone who oddly enough cared (he felt bad for me cause he knew I was miserable.) actually ripped it out of me after a year or so.  Had he not, yeah I would have been dead, I had tried to kill myself twice up until i met him and none of my loved ones ever knew something was up. 
You have to take care of yourself first hun, never let your happiness be based off someone else's life.  I know marriage is pretty much about that dynamic, but at the same time marriage needs to be a joint effort to work things out, yes your transition did set things in motion, but your wife presenting you the ultimatum wasn't exactly a compromise.  Ypu need to find a partner not a aster/mistress and if you find someone who loves you now and understands you then you need to ask yourself, "Iam i upset because I DID lose her or am I restless because I'm constantly wondering what if?"

I hope you feel better hun we all feel yourpain
hugs!

[Amoré]

Hun, I am so sorry to hear you went through that and i know this is cliche that happiness comes from within.  and it may seem hard but you would not have been happy lying to yourself and suppressing who you really are, I mean you are going through alot now but at least youre working towards bringing yourself to happiness. 
I thought the same way for i while to a point where I basically lived for my friends and to please them, I was so easily dismissed that they didn't realise something was wrong, it wasn't until someone who oddly enough cared (he felt bad for me cause he knew I was miserable.) actually ripped it out of me after a year or so.  Had he not, yeah I would have been dead, I had tried to kill myself twice up until i met him and none of my loved ones ever knew something was up. 
You have to take care of yourself first hun, never let your happiness be based off someone else's life.  I know marriage is pretty much about that dynamic, but at the same time marriage needs to be a joint effort to work things out, yes your transition did set things in motion, but your wife presenting you the ultimatum wasn't exactly a compromise.  Ypu need to find a partner not a aster/mistress and if you find someone who loves you now and understands you then you need to ask yourself, "Iam i upset because I DID lose her or am I restless because I'm constantly wondering what if?"

I hope you feel better hun we all feel yourpain
hugs!

I guess I have a lot of what if moments but things is starting to become clearer. My ex basically pulled it out of me the night when we where fighting. I blurted it out that I feel like a woman trapped in a mans body. I did not even know about the word transgender or any transgender person back then. I just knew this is how I feel. I only went and researched it afterwards and realized O ->-bleeped-<- I am transgender. I wished sometimes she could have done it differently she could have just stuck it out till I was a woman and then decided if it works for her or not.

This weekend when I picked up my child she looked at me in the strangest way and behaved strange also. She had her hands in her pockets keeps on looking down. When we drove out the driveway she looked at me and I could see hurt and if she wanted to say something. I think she is having regret. Here I am in a stable relationship doing the best I can where she did not find someone yet and have men coming in and out of her life. I am happy with my relationship all that I wanted was to be loved for the woman identify with. I have that now and I am grateful for the love I have and he is really special to me. I want to marry him.

So I would say the only gripe in my life is my child and how hard it is being away from her. With the rest of my life and my transition I am pretty content. I love being a woman it just fits my identity. My therapist said she doesn't have any doubt in her mind that I did the right thing and to give me the letter for surgery because I am pretty consistent with my gender identity

In the end to have done the right thing for myself came at a very steep price. But at the end of the day the price was worth it. I have a person that cares much more about me than my ex did.

[RobynD]

Your outlook is improving all the time So glad. The best thing you can do for your family including your Ex is to be healthy and have a great life with your man. Perhaps a new friendship and positive coparenting teamwork will be developed.

[Amoré]

Your outlook is improving all the time So glad. The best thing you can do for your family including your Ex is to be healthy and have a great life with your man. Perhaps a new friendship and positive coparenting teamwork will be developed.

I am hoping for a new friendship. She doesn't want too.

[Amoré]

Last night I went to fetch my child and take her out. My ex wanted to talk to us about an email that I send. I told her I am not happy with her having a revolving door when it comes to men. She told me I must get out of her personal life as I have nothing to do with it. Well She is the mother of my child I have got something to do with it. In the end she said a couple of things that really stung.

I don't know why this stung so much but her words was "Rickus the man I married is dead". It also saddens her that her child is growing up without a father. I thought the day when she stopped aknowledging that I am Rickus I would be happy. Well for some reason I was not. I guess a small part of me wished she still saw Rickus in me. That she would want him back. It sucks because even if he is dead I have all his memories I still feel him in me.

I am going to have grs this year and remove the last body part that is him. The most male part of my body. In most peoples eyes once I do that I killed him and he is gone because they attach him to my male genitals. They say it is the last part of him that remains. It makes me sad that despite my effort and how I look that they can be so shallow. My dad stopped talking to me after I told him I am having the op. He told my mother that his son is dead now. He only had a son not a daughter. So I lost family in this journey. I lost family for something I did not choose to have.In their mind I chose this and how dare I do this to everyone. Well I wish I chose it. I would have chosen different then.

[Thessa]

I'm sorry for you!
Yesterday I got a similar WhatsApp from my Ex about choice.
I fear some people will never be able to understand that it's not a choice or lifestyle decision.

[Amoré]

I'm sorry for you!
Yesterday I got a similar WhatsApp from my Ex about choice.
I fear some people will never be able to understand that it's not a choice or lifestyle decision.

I guess I personally wish it was a choice I know what I would have chosen. The best thing in life is not to be a woman for me but to feel that I can be who I am. If I had a choice to be a guy and all worked well with who I am I would have chosen that. If there was a cure to take dysphoria away and make me synchronize with my birth gender I would have taken it in a heartbeat because being a woman is not all it is made out to be. Each gender has its downsides. Being a woman did not make all my problems go away. It actually created more.

The problem is I have to life as a woman otherwise my depression gets too much to deal with and I start doing silly things. Not drugs and stuff but I crawl into a hole I would hide from the world stay two weeks in bed and try not to kill myself the whole time because of how bad I feel. So in the end I did not have a choice in this it was transition and give my brain what it wanted or keep on fighting against what it tells me it wants and end up killing myself. I was suicidal.

When I divorced I knew I had to give myself a chance and the only chance I had at life was transition. This morning after what she said I feel that there is nothing to go back too. Everyone knows who I am now and they will know if I go back I am only hiding her. I guess it is when you are ready for grs. When you know you can't turn around and you want a body to suit the life you are living now. You had a body when you where living male to suit that role and you could have sex as a man. Well now I want a body to suit this role. I don't want my body to give me the doubt anymore with what I have in between my legs that I can go back if I wanted too because it makes me uncomfortable to be a man.

[Jacqueline]

Amoré,

It sounds very uncomfortable and painful. Sorry things are so hard and you have lost so much. The only thing you chose, as you state, was to live. I applaud you for that. That is sometimes the hardest thing to choose.

If people could understand the cost(financially and emotionally) as well as the pain(physically and mentally) one must go through to transition... Until people become empaths and we can share that with them, I am afraid people will think it is a choice.

Try to stay strong. From what you said, either your deadname would have to die or you would. One of the ways would have deprived your daughter of any contact.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Amoré]

Sometimes I feel like I am overthinking it too much. Overthinking what happened to me and how I could have changed it to have a normal life. I dream about how it would have been if I was not transgender and was happy in my birth gender. I guess it would be something like now where my gender that I am living as doesn't plague me each day and I don't really think about it like I did when I was living as male. I don't really think much about being a woman except when it comes to my plumbing and I find that piece in my pants.

The biggest transgender challenge I face is my voice. Get sir over the phone. But it is okay they don't know better. So basically the main thing is I am sort of comfortable for the first time in my life in my body. If it wasn't for the male part in between my legs I think the level of comfort would have been a lot more.

Like they describe it as transgender people experience a discomfort between the gender they where assigned at birth and who they feel they are. I am trying to get myself as comfortable as possible.

I find myself going back and asking a lot of what if questions. I hate it because i gives me false hope. I must stop myself from doing that.

[Jacqueline]

Amoré,

I don't like to tell people what to do. However, what I think you must do is what you just said...

...So basically the main thing is I am sort of comfortable for the first time in my life in my body.

Like they describe it as transgender people experience a discomfort between the gender they where assigned at birth and who they feel they are. I am trying to get myself as comfortable as possible.

Then, you need to cut yourself some slack. Truth be told all this advice I am giving you should be bounced back at me too. So, hello pot. My name is kettle.

I  think you have been doing really well. Your progress from when you started here is great. It is nearly time to grab your life and make it yours. Sadness and what ifs happen. Just try not to dwell on it too much.

Take care.

Warmly,

Joanna

[Amoré]

Life update. I resigned from my job today it is more emotional than I thought. Me and my boyfriend is starting a software development company together. But I am scared as hell. I sort of made the decision because it was an emotional choice with my boss being a creep. But now I feel unsure about my future. My boyfriend keeps insuring me everything is going to be okay but I feel unsure.

We have the money to cover my pay for about a year. So I guess I am okay and I get to pick a new car end of the month. I don't know why I must always be scared of my own choices and why I am so indecisive.

[Paige]

Sadness and what ifs happen. Just try not to dwell on it too much.

That's definitely the trick to this I think.  We can't change the past, we can only change the future.  Dwelling on what we might have done is just another way of driving ourselves crazy.  Now I just need to tell myself this, every time I start dwelling on the past  

Life update. I resigned from my job today it is more emotional than I thought. Me and my boyfriend is starting a software development company together. But I am scared as hell. I sort of made the decision because it was an emotional choice with my boss being a creep. But now I feel unsure about my future. My boyfriend keeps insuring me everything is going to be okay but I feel unsure.

We have the money to cover my pay for about a year. So I guess I am okay and I get to pick a new car end of the month. I don't know why I must always be scared of my own choices and why I am so indecisive.

Hi Amoré,

It's very scary, but at the same time very freeing and exciting.  I'm in the same boat.  I've been on my own for a bit trying to develop a software business.  Corporate life made me feel like a drone in Sector C.  This was the only way forward for me.  I hope it works out for you and your boyfriend.

Good luck,
Paige

[FTMDiaries]

Congrats! It's good that you have the financial security to quit that job and get away from that creep, and to launch your own business. That took enormous courage, and I hope it goes well for you.