Getting through the fear of transition?

[Paige]

Hi All,

So my therapist thinks I'm just looking for the courage to transition.  She has no doubt full transition is what I want and need, but I just can't get past the fear.  I suggested going off my low dose HRT to her and my doctor to see if I could try one last time to be my old self.  She thought this was just my way of determining there's no alternative and convincing myself that I needed to do this.  She said I already knew this and the test was probably pointless.   She and my doctor both reminded me how much better HRT makes me feel.  Neither thought this was a good idea.

I'm almost 55, I've struggled with bad dysphoria my whole life.  I'm married and have two college aged daughters.  I just don't know how I can do this.  I'll lose my wife for sure, she's said as much.  My current breast growth is definitely not helping the situation.  I'm also not sure how my daughters will react.  I'm sure my family will have a hard time with this.

I'm also terrified by how other family, friends and the greater society will react.  I don't really fear death compared to this.  I'm also terrified that the grass may not be greener on the other side. 

I'm sure lots of you have battled this.  So my question to you, is there something a therapist or someone else said to you that help you to go forward.  Is there something you realized that got you to commit to this process?

Thanks,
Paige

[Axolotl]

One thing that may help you with the fear is thinking about how you feel about yourself.  How much better do you feel about yourself as a woman?  The answer for me is: As a woman I feel much more true, correct, willing to defend myself, not compromising anymore, not letting people influence me anymore, and taking as much control of my life as I can.  The difference is so extreme that there's no way I could ever want to be seen as a guy ever again. (Not that I ever really wanted to be a guy)

If you feel anything like that, then you are ready for your transition.  Another thing that may help is visualizing what you will look like as you transition or after a successful transition.  If that's not exciting, then maybe it explains your hesitation.  I hope you find the courage you need.

[Dayta]

Hey Paige! 

I was 56 when I made my appointment and sat with my doctor to get my prescription for hormones. For years before, I had been quietly and secretly making little changes in my appearance and dress, trying to get "close enough," but I eventually realized what I really wanted.  It's not wrong to go forward, nor is it wrong to stop, or even wrong to trudge along halfway. 

Think about this, though.  All of those things that you are afraid to lose by transitioning, you might very well lose them due to some other reason.  You don't have control over anyone else's choices but your own, and even for those it doesn't always seem like you have power or choice.   But you do, so make your choice, when you're ready, and then do your best to handle what comes.  And good luck to you! 

Erin

[Kaylin]

I too fear transition, albeit for different reasons. I have no solution (I am still struggling to get help figuring this all out), but I wanted you to know that you are not the only person feeling this. Right now. At this very moment. I feel your fear, and I fight it with you.

Kaylin

[Janes Groove]

Do you have a real life support group that you attend?   

Also, one of the best questions my therapist asked me was, "Where do you see this going?"  I blurted something out and she interrupted me, "No. I mean long term."
She asked the question after I had been seeing her once a week for about 4 mos.  It was on the eve of my 1st HTR therapy appt.  I was having last minute jitters and even considering canceling.  When she asked it I, usually quite loquacious, was dumbstruck.   It took to awhile to verbalize it but when I did the only answer I could honestly come up with was, "Transition."
I had avoided saying it like the plague because when I did it made it real. Looking back now I can see it was kind of a breakthrough moment in my therapy.  Now I don't have any trouble saying it at all whatsoever. In fact I say it all the time now, "I'm a transitioning transgender woman."
Once I was clear about what I wanted and needed, I was able to put everything else, all (well, the lion's share at least) the fears and doubts, in the past and move on.  I think maybe what my therapist was getting at is if one can't really see a positive future for oneself. Visualize it. If the vision is always dark, negative and fraught with foreboding then it's going to be tough to realize a positive future.

[The Flying Lemur]

My therapist recommended a book called "You And Your Gender Identity: A Guide To Discovery" by Dara Hoffman-Fox and Zinnia Jones.  It deals a fair amount with fear, and chapter 3 addresses it specially.  The book's a little expensive, but you might be able to get it out of a library and spare yourself the cost. 

[Paige]

One thing that may help you with the fear is thinking about how you feel about yourself.  How much better do you feel about yourself as a woman?  The answer for me is: As a woman I feel much more true, correct, willing to defend myself, not compromising anymore, not letting people influence me anymore, and taking as much control of my life as I can.  The difference is so extreme that there's no way I could ever want to be seen as a guy ever again. (Not that I ever really wanted to be a guy)

If you feel anything like that, then you are ready for your transition.  Another thing that may help is visualizing what you will look like as you transition or after a successful transition.  If that's not exciting, then maybe it explains your hesitation.  I hope you find the courage you need.

Hi Axoloti,

I'm not sure, I believe I would feel more correct but I've never really lived it yet.  I suspect this would be the case.  Having small breasts certainly makes me feel better about myself.  Thanks for the response.

Think about this, though.  All of those things that you are afraid to lose by transitioning, you might very well lose them due to some other reason.  You don't have control over anyone else's choices but your own, and even for those it doesn't always seem like you have power or choice.   But you do, so make your choice, when you're ready, and then do your best to handle what comes.  And good luck to you! 

Erin

Hi Erin,

Thanks.  I guess I don't really feel I'll lose my friends and family if I don't transition.   No I'm pretty sure that would be okay.  I may not survive but friends and family would.

No I'm much more concerned with dumping this on my wife and daughters.  I don't like the idea of adding a major disruption into their lives.  Perhaps this is my biggest fear and makes me want to crawl under a rock.  I know people say I may be surprised by how they'll react.  Maybe.  I do know they'll have me to explain to society once I transition because I'm pretty sure they'll get lots of questions and comments.

Thanks for the help.

I too fear transition, albeit for different reasons. I have no solution (I am still struggling to get help figuring this all out), but I wanted you to know that you are not the only person feeling this. Right now. At this very moment. I feel your fear, and I fight it with you.

Kaylin

Thanks Kaylin for that.  Good luck to you in your struggles.

Visualize it. If the vision is always dark, negative and fraught with foreboding then it's going to be tough to realize a positive future.

Hi Jane Emily,

I'm trying to positively visualize either transitioning or non-transitioning but I just see the dark side of both.  I think I'll have to work on that   Thanks for that

My therapist recommended a book called "You And Your Gender Identity: A Guide To Discovery" by Dara Hoffman-Fox and Zinnia Jones.  It deals a fair amount with fear, and chapter 3 addresses it specially.  The book's a little expensive, but you might be able to get it out of a library and spare yourself the cost. 

Thanks for the suggestion.  I think I'll pick it up.

[Amoré]

My therapist told me there is no greater pleasure in life than being your authentic self. Today I understand what she said because I never knew what it was to be my authentic self and just be me.

[AnonyMs]

I'm pretty scared of it too, and I'm not about to walk out my front door presenting female.

I suspect I'll end up socially transitioning one small step at a time. I took the step from low to full dose HRT a few years ago, but that didn't do it. I've started looking at electrolysis, and I guess each time I do some of that I'll be a bit closer to mail fail. If that doesn't do it there's always FFS.

I'm not deciding to transition at each step, but one day I'll probably cross a line without really trying.

[Amoré]

I'm pretty scared of it too, and I'm not about to walk out my front door presenting female.

I suspect I'll end up socially transitioning one small step at a time. I took the step from low to full dose HRT a few years ago, but that didn't do it. I've started looking at electrolysis, and I guess each time I do some of that I'll be a bit closer to mail fail. If that doesn't do it there's always FFS.

I'm not deciding to transition at each step, but one day I'll probably cross a line without really trying.

I too had this notion of taking it a small step at a time. I went from presenting male too presenting androgynous for a while to female when people started clocking me more as female than male in androgynous clothes. Now I can wear male clothes and still pass as female (did the test). So crossing the line without really trying is possible.

[Kylo]

Unlike you I had nothing to lose, so it wasn't hard at all to decide and commit.

I guess my advice would be that every hopeless-looking situation like that only looks hopeless from the inside, when you can't imagine not being in it, or don't want to imagine not being in it. You don't know what happiness lies outside. And there's definitely the potential for a lot of happiness outside of any situation.