The dysphoria of body was always there, I mean that's how I knew I had a problem, but I was good at compartmentalizing it for a while and carrying on.
My voice I feel better about it than before - except I have to learn to use it again because it's still "weak" and not finished developing/lowering. I'd learned how to use my old voice but now I have to find all the tones I can and can't reach over again. Since it keeps changing and has good days and bad days, I try a few exercises with it each day and try to explore what it can do. But the fact it's not settled and probably won't be for some time is a bit irritating. It still surprises me to laugh on reflex and how much louder my laugh sounds than it ever did before. If I raise my voice at all for any reason, it seems almost twice as loud. I didn't expect that, somehow.
The hip/waist ratio thing I was always aware of and always wore things that meant I didn't have to see it. I don't think that's worse on T - it seems as if the fat is melting off my legs and appearing on my stomach so I'm expecting it'll shift from there too. I don't think it's too noticeable as a skeletal thing since I'm pretty well developed in the back and shoulders. The appearance comes from the ratio between the hip size and the rest of the body so I guess it's less obvious than it was when I was a kid - before I took up weights and swimming. I just took up swimming again after a long absence, and that's always great for the upper body. Just yesterday one of my friends described my build as "brick ****house" so I guess whatever my bones are like down there doesn't really come first to mind over the V-shape of the upper body. It may mean I end up with a top heavy set figure, as opposed to a lithe one (I've never been too lithe I suppose) but as long as it's muscle and not flab, all's good.
But the facial hair thing - I wasn't especially bothered about it before T - now I am anticipating it, and some of it's started to appear but I know that's a long process. I've had a complete/unexpected U turn on my view of facial hair and its relation to masculinity would like to hope I'll get a good distribution of it. I actually feel somewhat naked without it which is a weird thought for someone who's never had it to begin with. I'm not sure if the T is partly responsible for this or what, but I definitely feel as though part of me is missing because it's not all there yet, and feels like it should be there. It doesn't seem like a fully conscious desire, like I didn't get up yesterday and think "damn, where's my beard?" but more like I absently rub my face from time to time and expect a full roughness that's not quite there yet. It's sort of there, because the hairs are getting coarser, and the skin is a little coarser, too. If the body is changing then I suppose things in my mind are also changing, whether I want them to or not. Luckily they are changing in a way that fits what's happening to me.
On the whole, what T is doing to my body is all very cool to observe; I feel less dysphoric about most things and more motivated to fix the ones that bother me still. It feels like there will be an end in sight to hating or ignoring my own flesh, which is a relief I'd forgotten I badly needed.
