(As usual, sorry if this is in the wrong place, and please feel free to move.)
Last time I was active on here I was very sad and very confused. I'm still a little sad and a bit confused, but things have gotten better.
Six months ago (gosh! it's been the long!) I came out to my parents as a butch lesbian and told them my "best friend" is actually my girlfriend. My dad already knew and was delighted. My mom was weird at first but warmed up to it. My two younger brothers couldn't care less and I accidentally made them uncomfortable by being so dramatic about it, lol. All in all, the main family and my close friends are supportive and they all like my gf. So what's the problem?
As usual, I come back to not feeling cis, and not relating to female terms. I've tried being butch to the point of often passing for a man, but I'm just not at ease. Recently I read some books discussing gender, and allowed myself to really pay attention to my mind and body and how the two interact (because of the isolated and stunted way I was raised, I tend to live in my own head and ignore any thoughts that don't match what my parents and peers told me I am.... but that's another post). I'm coming to realize that while I still identify as genderqueer, I may be happier if I were to transition. When calm and rational, the thought of starting hormones makes me excited and hopeful. (When I'm anxious I just tend to be depressed and self loathing, so I try not to think on serious things when I'm like that because it does more harm than good.)
Currently I have an ill fitting binder that I bought over a year ago, wore once, then threw in a drawer because I was disgusted with myself. It still doesn't fit great, but it does alleviate chest dysphoria and just makes me feel GOOD. Reading "gender outlaw" and "butch is a noun" have also helped.
My greatest fear about transitioning is I'll change too much and my girlfriend won't love me the same. Because of this I haven't yet directly told her I'm thinking about seeing a therapist or thinking I'm trans, but she's not stupid. I've always acted masculine. I've referred to myself as a man casually. I've told her I enjoy when I'm mistaken for her boyfriend (or son! lol!). She sees me reading these gender books and being uncharacteristically quiet and unwilling to talk about what's on my mind. We've known each other for four years and have been intimate for two of them. She knows what's up.
Recently she told me it's fine if I'm trans. I don't remember the wording exactly, but it was something like "Whatever happens, you'll always be my K, it's fine." A moment passed, then this conversation:
Me, "Whatever I figure out, I'll always be your girl."
Her, "Yeah.... but you could be my big boyo (boy-oh)."
Me, blushing with delight before realizing, "Wait, is that because we call the dog boyo?"
Her, cackling, "Yeah. I'd have my little boyo and my big boyo <3"
It's like when you find out Indiana Jones is named after the family dog, lol
And today I wore my binder all day, and she remarked that I'm getting better at flattening my chest, and that she likes how it feels when she rests her hands on me. Man, I was wondering if I was just being weird by binding but I was so over the moon at that comment that I know I must be on to something good here.
So, yeah. Just a little update I guess. Thought it would be nice to share the good stuff as well as the bad. Things are a little weird right now regarding finances/housing, so this summer I'm just going to take it easy and experiment with binding and focus on eating healthier and exercising more. Things should settle down in the fall, so I think I'll look for a gender therapist around then.
I still worry that T may change me emotionally or physically to the point where she doesn't see me the same, but I guess I'll deal with that when it happens. She's mentioned repeatedly that while cis men make her uncomfortable, she's attracted to transmen and could happily date a transguy. Actually, before I started really paying attention to my gender, she said something like, "I could date a transguy. I mean obviously, or you and I wouldn't be together." Like she knew I was genderqueer and questioning from the start and has been all right with it all along
Maybe worrying about her not liking me the same is silly, but having her be supportive like that takes a load off my mind and makes me feel so much better about looking into transition.
