You told your wife. She didn't bolt and run. The Earth did not open up and swallow you. A bolt of lightning didn't turn you into a pile of ashes. The meteorite missed you. And now your wife is processing all this, probably recalling the tons of shows about TG's, perhaps researching on line, or just knows someway, the trend.
A - Come out to wife
B - Come out to rest of world
C - Start presenting as female
D - HRT
E - GCS
My wife knew from about day 1, some almost 40 years ago, I had gender issues which included 2 failed transition experiments. I settled on being "Just a CD" At 6ft tall, balding since 12, big everything, it was more the reality. Especially back in the late 70's and 80's. Never the less when I dropped the T-Bomb on her 8 years ago she was in shock and one of her first questions was how soon for GCS.
The first year or so were filled lots of often difficult and emotion filled discussions of where I am and a totally unknown future for us both. My GD has never been to the point of overwhelming for any length of time. Just always there, running in the background, sometimes bubbling up to the point of near desperation.
Over the decades just cross-dressing was enough to manage it. Usually once a month I needed that total escape from maleness for the day. In the beginning my wife would spend the day out with friends or whatever. After about 6 years she started staying home after first asking if I was OK with it.
Most of us have spent a lifetime barely getting a handle on our GD. An SO has had mere milli-seconds in comparison. Right now she is still trying to get handle on future with your marriage now complete redefined. Not exactly the sort of shared future she was looking forward to.
You say now things are sort of "Derailed". To me that sort of implies, in your mind at least, it was/is "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". Perhaps even on the teary night when you dropped the T-Bomb you told her that you want or need to next do B, C and D soon.
I felt since the age of 4 or so I should have been or wanted to be born a girl. I never much cared for my body, especially since it betrayed me even as a males. I still had to make do with what I had to work with. Somehow I managed to have a totally amazing woman fall in love with me. Somehow in spite of my negative self-image I've had a remarkable career which includes a remarkable level of admiration for my abilities. There are many facets, or other aspects of who I am as a person that go beyond gender and gender presentation.
My level of GD, for the most part, does not rise above the importance of all the other aspects of my life, of all the things that also define me. I came to the point of needing to take the Trans-Beast on for real 8 years ago when I lost pretty much most of the things I defined myself by. I lost them because of how I was Not handling being trans. Today (OK the past few weeks are an exception) I am reaping the benefits of putting in all the hard work needed to heal the emotional scars acquired over a lifetime of not dealing with being trans.
Marriage is a partnership that had an implied contract, if not a real one, going into it. Dropping the T-Bomb is pretty much the equivalent of kicking over the table with the Monopoly board. Often times we want to have our cake and eat it to. We want our little corner of the world to never change, our marriage, our careers, our relationship with our kids, parents, siblings, and others. All while we ourselves change from one gender to another. Unfortunately, there are other people around us whose life's are greatly affected by our decisions and actions. If you care about those people, compromises are often needed from all parties. Which also includes compromising with yourself. Usually starting with trying to sort out simple Wants from true Needs. No easy task. As much as I thought I knew about everything about being trans, I was still in shock for days after my first ever TG Support group meeting. By the end of my third meeting, still feeling in shock afterwards, during the drive home I knew it almost too late to tell my wife what was going on. In essence dropping the T-Bomb. Escalating from being just a CD and kicking over the table.
Today we are still together. Perhaps more in love then ever before. She sees me as a far more better person having grown emotionally and spiritually into a self actualized person. She also mourns the loss of her husband though I still live, work, and present primarily as male. We still have a future that is totally unknown, a shared one unknown and impossible to even try to define with all that is going on in our lives. We both work at and compromise to keep what is truly important and satisfying of our needs. As is often the case with life, you don't always get what you want.
Right now, you and your wife need to have a lot of often difficult honest and open emotionally charged discussions about wants, needs and a totally unknown shared future. A big hint I can give is listen to the message, not to the words. During these talks the "Filters" are often off or things are said just to hurt so you feel some of the others pain.
Time is your friend
