Death or Greatness...

[jessicariddhi]

My depression is taking me to the brink of total despair. My loneliness has become almost infinite. I want to transition really bad. I want to transition like - yesterday. Last night I contemplated suicide to end it all; the pain, the emptiness, the regret...the tears. I felt like I wasted my life pleasing everyone - people - who in reality never cared for me. I feel like the best years are behind me and have nothing to show for it.

Last week I posted a question 'Where To Transition' because the Caribbean doesn't give me any options at all. London takes too long. I know it only takes a decision. I have the advantage of having a European passport and can move anywhere in Europe if I wanted too but...

I'm afraid.

[Janes Groove]

It really sounds like your depression needs to be managed as a number one priority.  I'm sure you can at least find a therapist where you are who can at least help with that.  If you do something rash, owing to a short term depressive episode,  then you will miss out on the amazing journey that is awaiting you.

[Alora]

My depression is taking me to the brink of total despair. My loneliness has become almost infinite. I want to transition really bad. I want to transition like - yesterday. Last night I contemplated suicide to end it all; the pain, the emptiness, the regret...the tears. I felt like I wasted my life pleasing everyone - people - who in reality never cared for me. I feel like the best years are behind me and have nothing to show for it.
[/quote ]

Hey sweetie,

I know that feeling, all to well. I'm sure secretly many of us here at some point have been where you are. Ending is never an option. You'll leave this life never knowing how much better it could have been. Not to mention you'll leave this world in the wrong body. It's time to do things for you now. Start with seeing a therapist. That is going to be the most important thing you can do for yourself right now.

It's never to late to start over. You have the rest of your life to make those your best years as the really you.

Last week I posted a question 'Where To Transition' because the Caribbean doesn't give me any options at all. London takes too long. I know it only takes a decision. I have the advantage of having a European passport and can move anywhere in Europe if I wanted too but...

I'm afraid.

Now I can speak to where you should move to... But if you have the ability to move to Europe where albeit it takes longer, that is a better option then no option. In the meantime, breast forms did wonders for my psychological state. It's definitely a scary time, but for me, making the decision to transition was so much better then the alternative.

Hang in there love. And if you need to, check yourself into a hospital.

Loves [emoji182]❤️[emoji182]


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[findingreason]

I can relate to how you're feeling right now, as I've been going through a great deal of depression and despair lately; sometimes to the point of feeling suicidal. As Alora said, you will never know what good could happen if you did do something to yourself. If you are still feeling suicidal, please reach out to a crisis intervention line, or go to the hospital.

[Axolotl]

This advice is offered from my own life experiences:

It sounds like your suffering is 100% from gender dysphoria, not depression.  The cure for that is transitioning.  Please do not check into a mental health facility because they will take away your access to hygiene products including shaving your face.  Suicide is not the cure for gender dysphoria, and neither is psychiatric medicine.  Don't let anyone tell you that depression is a stronger force than the true source of your sadness (dysphoria).

I think you should move to whichever country is the most trans-friendly of your options.  When you get there, find a way to get health care access as immediately as possible and tell them you are suffering from extreme gender dysphoria that is making you feel like self harming (for example cutting your genitals) rather than suicidal.  That should shortcut around the bs of doctors misdiagnosing or trying to talk you out of transitioning.  If they give you a long wait period, make sure you periodically tell them how the extra time is adding to your suffering.

Make sure you tell people your real name (Jessica) and that you need to be refered to as female.  This includes proper pronouns.  If you ever see the wrong gender or name written on any health forms, ask to have it changed even though they probably won't let you.  Always ask.  Make sure you at least try to use the correct gender bathroom.

If you're trying to get as immediate of relief as possible, please make a list of what you want.  This means asking straightforwardly for HRT (Estradiol, Spironolactone, and possibly Finasteride), facial hair removal (insist on electrolysis), be prepared to say that electrolysis is not cosmetic but rather medically necessary, and also be prepared to answer the inevitable question "Do you want sex reassignment surgery?"  The more capable you are of answering these questions with very specific answers, the more likely you will be taken seriously and actually get the treatments you need.

I hope this helps.  Best of luck.  If you need any other ideas, don't hesitate to private message me.

[jessicariddhi]

I know suicide is not a great option but I feel completely lost and helpless. As though my life has lost all its meaning. These feelings has gotten worse ever since I returned back home to the Caribbean. I felt as though coming back home would make me feel something...anything that would make me feel better but instead it has created something very bad. My religion is giving me anxiety: am I sinning? am I going to hell? Then there's my desire to be...me. I'm really losing my insanity completely.

[Axolotl]

I'm not sure what your religion is, but my opinion is that god prefers people not be suffering.  This means, ending the suffering from gender dysphoria is the opposite of a sin.  I hope that helps, and do contact me if you want to discuss further.

[Charlie Nicki]

I know suicide is not a great option but I feel completely lost and helpless. As though my life has lost all its meaning. These feelings has gotten worse ever since I returned back home to the Caribbean. I felt as though coming back home would make me feel something...anything that would make me feel better but instead it has created something very bad. My religion is giving me anxiety: am I sinning? am I going to hell? Then there's my desire to be...me. I'm really losing my insanity completely.

I really understand what you are going through, and let me tell you, the first thing you need to do is go see a therapist to talk about your transition. Feeling that you have started doing something about it (like talking to someone about it even if you haven't started HRT) helps you with the anxiety immensely. I also feel anxious and sad at times but overall I am very calm and happy since I started therapy. 

[Alora]

I also feel anxious and sad at times but overall I am very calm and happy since I started therapy.

The idea of therapy used to freak me out. I used to worry that my therapist would tell me my wanting to be a woman was a fetish or those feeling weren't real. I seriously have the best therapist. I look forward every week to our meetings and 50 minutes never feels like enough time.

But seriously, start with finding a therapist!!!

Loves [emoji182]❤️[emoji182]


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[Charlie Nicki]

I seriously have the best therapist. I look forward every week to our meetings and 50 minutes never feels like enough time.

This is how I feel as well!! I love going there and always look forward to it. Except my therapist usually loses track of time and we end up talking for an hour and 10 or an hour and 20 if he doesn't have any other patients after me. I love it 

[JMJW]

I lived in the Caribbean for 3 years in the early 90's and you're right, I can't imagine there being anything there for transition. If Europe is an option, I say get diagnosed there, buy up all the hormones you can and carry it over. It'll be routine after you go the first time.

[jessicariddhi]

Charlie Nicki, yes, my gender therapist I had was a pleasure to talk to and our time ran more than the hour even when he had people waiting for him which made me feel a bit guilty. I miss that and it had been the first time such a talk had confirmed that I was really transgender. I loved it. He was the one who referred me to the gender clinic and I had let that slip out of my hands. I'm kicking myself.

JMJW at least you know where I'm coming from. I has not change at all and it feels me with anxiety when I go out. I don't think there are many possibility to get diagnosed on the islands. There's no doubt that I'll be heading to Europe. It's the only way.